«I think I’m a bad mother»: what to do?

Am I a good mother? Every woman asks herself this question at least sometimes in the first year after the birth of a baby. Modern society imposes the image of an ideal mother, who succeeds in everything easily: she devotes herself to the baby, never loses her temper, does not get tired and does not get upset over trifles.

In reality, many women experience social isolation, postpartum depression, and chronic sleep deprivation. All this deprives the body, which did not have time to recover after childbirth, of its last strength. Young mothers feel exhausted, nervous, useless.

And then doubts arise: “Will I be able to become a good mother? How can I raise a child if I can’t handle myself? I don’t have time for anything!» The emergence of such thoughts is quite logical. But in order to drive doubts away, let’s look at the reasons for their appearance.

Society pressure

Sociologist Gerard Neirand, co-author of Father, Mother and Indefinite Functions, sees the reason for the anxiety of young mothers in the fact that today the upbringing of the child is too «psychologized». We are told that mistakes in upbringing or lack of love in childhood can seriously ruin a child’s life. All the failures of adult life are often attributed to childhood problems and the mistakes of parents.

As a result, young mothers feel excessive responsibility for the future of the baby and are afraid to make a fatal mistake. Suddenly, it is because of her that the son will become an egoist, a criminal, will not be able to start a family and fulfill himself? All this gives rise to anxiety and increased demands on oneself.

far-fetched ideals

Marion Conyard, a psychologist who specializes in parenting, notes that the reason many women worry is the desire to be on time and in control.

They want to combine motherhood, career, personal life and hobbies. And at the same time they are trying to give all the best on all fronts, to be ideals to follow. “Their desires are numerous and sometimes contradictory, which creates psychological conflict,” says Marion Conyard.

In addition, many are in captivity of stereotypes. For example, that spending time on yourself when you have a small child is selfish, or that a mother of many children cannot hold an important leadership position. The desire to fight such stereotypes also creates problems.

maternal neurosis

“Becoming a mother is a big shock. Everything changes: lifestyle, status, responsibilities, desires, aspirations and beliefs, etc. This inevitably destabilizes the perception of oneself,” continues Marion Conyard.

The psyche of a woman after the birth of a child loses all points of support. Naturally, there are doubts and fears. Young mothers feel fragile and vulnerable.

“When a woman asks herself or her loved ones if they consider her a bad mother, she subconsciously seeks comfort and support. She, like a child, needs others to praise her, rebut her fears and help her gain self-confidence, ”explains the expert.

What to do?

If you are faced with such fears and doubts, do not keep them to yourself. The more you wind yourself up, the more difficult it is to cope with your responsibilities.

1. Believe that everything is not so scary

The appearance of such fears in itself indicates that you are a responsible mother. Which means you’re doing a good job. Recall that, most likely, your mother could devote less time to you, she had less information about raising children, but you grew up and were able to organize your life.

“First of all, you need to believe in yourself, your strength, trust your intuition. Do not put «smart books» at the head of everything. Raise a child according to your abilities, ideals and ideas about what is good and what is bad,” says sociologist Gerard Neirand. Mistakes in education can be corrected. The child will even benefit from it.

2. Ask for help

There is nothing wrong with turning to the help of a nanny, relatives, husband, leaving a child with them and devoting time to yourself. This allows you to switch and then even better cope with your duties. Don’t try to do everything on your own. Sleep, go to a beauty salon, chat with a friend, go to the theater — all these little joys make every day of motherhood more calm and harmonious.

3. Forget about guilt

“A child does not need a perfect mother,” says psychologist Marion Conyard. “The most important thing is his safety, which can be provided by a reliable, calm and confident parent.” Therefore, there is no need to cultivate a sense of guilt. Instead, praise yourself for how well you are doing. The more you try to forbid yourself to be “bad”, the more difficult it is to control your own emotions.