How to understand that we are being manipulated

We all manipulate others at times and allow ourselves to be manipulated. Most often this happens unconsciously and does not cause much harm. But sometimes manipulation becomes dangerous and takes the form of psychological violence. How to recognize it and learn to resist it, explains behavioral therapist Zan Willines.

Emotional manipulation destroys the closest relationship, and the one who falls into this trap feels confused, worthless, helpless. Of course, we all manipulate each other at times, often quite unintentionally. In addition, this concept is so vague that any behavior can be adjusted to it, even something as natural as the crying of a hungry baby.

In what cases the desire to achieve one’s own and achieve certain goals takes the form of manipulation? When does it turn into psychological abuse? There are signs that point to serious relationship problems.

What is manipulation?

This is any attempt to influence someone’s emotional state in order to force them to perform some action or experience the necessary feelings. In personal relationships, this happens all the time, and not only there. Advertisers manipulate the emotions of potential buyers to make them want to buy a product. Politicians are voters in order to get their votes, to convince them with false assurances or to impose the right opinion.

“We are all manipulators,” says psychologist Melissa Stringer. “It’s often about socially acceptable manipulation, like smiling and making eye contact, healthy ways to strike up friendships. But when tricks are used to put yourself in the best light and establish power over someone, it is quite another.

People who do this intentionally often try to avoid direct conversations about their needs or mutual desires, for fear of appearing vulnerable.

12 Common Manipulation Techniques

Manipulators come up with hundreds of tactics, and it’s not easy to guess their intentions. However, in total it all comes down to fairly obvious ways.

1. Demonstrate strong feelings in order to subjugate another

For example, the abuser may try to force a romantic relationship. He will surround the victim with love and make beautiful gestures so that he loses his guard or feels obligated.

2. Play on other people’s weaknesses

A favorite trick of advertisers: this is how cosmetic companies impose on customers the idea that they are unattractive or old. This tactic is also common in personal relationships: for example, when one partner inspires the other that no one will ever love him again.

3. Lie and immediately withdraw your words

Manipulators are able to drown the victim in a stream of lies. If they are convicted of deceit, they assure that they did not say anything like that, or invent new lies.

4. Exaggerate and generalize

It’s hard to argue with someone who says, «You never loved me» or «You never tried.» Specific claims can be discussed, but vague allegations are much more difficult to dispute.

5. Get off topic

If a person is criticized for unacceptable actions, he may try to divert attention from himself and take the conversation to another plane. Often this is expressed in this form: «Better look at …». Let’s say one of the spouses is worried that the partner is using drugs, but in response he hears that he needs to take better care of the child.

6. Change the rules of the game

This happens when a person constantly puts forward new criteria that must be met in order for everything to suit him. Let’s say he constantly makes fun of a colleague for the way he dresses. If he changes his style, declares that nothing shines for him with such a hairstyle or such an accent, and so on.

7. Intimidate to control

For example, threaten or use physical force.

8. Self-affirm at the expense of others

In order to humiliate others or devalue their life experience, neurotic people often try to convince others that they lack intelligence.

9. Show passive aggression

This behavior involves many strategies, such as blame-shifting or questionable compliments. In general, passive aggression refers to the tendency to show displeasure or anger without explicit expression of emotions.

10. To harass with silence

Asking for time to think about a decision or telling someone who insulted you to the core that you have nothing more to talk about is fine. But ignoring a person to punish or intimidate is a manipulative tactic.

11. Gas jetting

A sophisticated form of manipulation in which a person is made to doubt the adequacy of the perception of reality. For example, the tormentor may deny the abuse and tell the victim that she has a memory problem.

12. Recruit allies

An abusive parent may call on the help of other family members to remind the child what they sacrificed for him. Under social pressure, it is not surprising to feel guilty and stop complaining about mistreatment. Manipulators are able to combine different techniques or switch between them depending on the context.

Why do people manipulate others

Not all manipulation is malicious, even if it causes harm. People resort to this behavior for several reasons.

  1. Weak communication skills. Some are embarrassed to express their thoughts directly. Others grew up in an environment where such communication was considered the norm.
  2. Trying to keep a distance. There are those who bring others to the edge, using manipulation as a tool of power. Sometimes symptoms of a personality disorder such as narcissism manifest themselves in this way.
  3. Fear. Many do this out of fear, especially if they are afraid that they are about to be left alone. This often happens during a divorce or relationship crisis.
  4. Protective mechanisms. Behind the manipulation may be an attempt to escape from feelings of guilt. Some stifle guilt with total control and abuse, while others are driven by low self-esteem, fear of judgment or unwillingness to admit their own shortcomings.
  5. social norms. Some forms of manipulation are perfectly acceptable and even useful. In this way, most of us learn that at work it is important to be affable and cheerful in order to earn the favor of colleagues and management.
  6. Marketing, advertising, financial or political motives. In fact, the entire business manipulates our emotions and consciousness, persuading us to buy products and services, change our point of view, or vote in the right way.

“Most often, manipulators are those who have not been taught effective communication skills. Even worse, they were punished when they tried to express their needs or desires. As a result, the original meaning of human relationships has been distorted and outweighed by strategies aimed at avoiding any miscalculations. Accordingly, the goal is achieved in two main ways: indirect communication and disclaimer of responsibility for their actions,” Stringer emphasizes.

How to protect yourself

If you realize that you have succumbed to manipulation more than once, you have nothing to do with it. Each of us is manipulated in one way or another, and it is impossible to prevent this.

However, there are several methods that allow you to confront and draw clear boundaries.

  • Express your thoughts directly, clearly and specifically. Direct communication helps build healthy relationships and recognize manipulation.
  • Learn to distinguish acceptable manipulation from unacceptable. Most people make passive-aggressive or manipulative lines from time to time without any ulterior motive. Signs of malicious manipulation are expressed in insults, systematic attempts to control and the desire to inflict pain.
  • Set clear boundaries. If they try to manipulate you, explain how to behave, and stick to the chosen line. For example: “Mom, I understand how much you have done for me, but this does not mean that you have the right to humiliate me.”
  • Seek advice from a third party. This can be risky, as manipulators often recruit supporters from mutual acquaintances. But if among your loved ones there is someone you can trust: a spouse, relative or friend, share with him, perhaps he will suggest a sensible solution.

Victims of chronic manipulation and psychological abuse should consult a psychotherapist. A therapist can help you spot signs of manipulation, end abusive relationships, and reduce the risk of falling into the same trap. In addition, you will learn how to build healthy boundaries and stop any intrusion attempts.


About the author: Zahn Willines is a behavioral psychotherapist and addiction specialist.

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