How to tell a child about the death of a loved one?

If one of the family members died, then the child should tell the truth. As life shows, all options like “Dad went on a business trip for six months” or “Grandma has moved to another city” can have negative consequences.

Firstly, the child simply will not believe or decide that you are not telling. Because he sees that something is wrong, that something has happened in the house: for some reason people are crying, mirrors are curtained, you can’t laugh out loud.

Children’s fantasy is rich, and the fears it creates for the child are quite real. The child will decide that either he or someone in the family is in danger of something terrible. Real grief is clearer and easier than all the horrors that a child can imagine.

Secondly, the child will still be told the truth by “kind” uncles, aunts, other children or compassionate grandmothers in the yard. And it is still unknown in what form. And then the feeling that his relatives lied to him will be added to grief.

Who better to speak?

The first condition: a person native to the child, the closest of all the remaining; the one who lived and will continue to live with the child; one who knows him well.

The second condition: the one who will speak must control himself in order to speak calmly, not break into hysterics or uncontrollable tears (those tears that well up in his eyes are not a hindrance). He will have to finish talking to the end and still be with the child until he realizes the bitter news.

To accomplish this task, choose a time and place when you will be «in a state of resource», and do not do this by relieving stress with alcohol. You can use light natural sedatives, such as valerian.

It seems to them that they will inflict a wound on the child, cause pain. Another fear is that the reaction that the news will provoke will be unpredictable and terrible. For example, a scream or tears that an adult won’t know how to deal with. All this is not true.

Alas, what happened happened. It was fate that struck, not the herald. The child will not blame the one who tells him about what happened: even small children distinguish between the event and the one who talks about it. As a rule, children are grateful to the one who brought them out of the unknown and provided support in a difficult moment.

Acute reactions are extremely rare, because the realization that something irreversible has happened, pain and longing come later, when the deceased begins to be missed in everyday life. The first reaction is, as a rule, amazement and attempts to imagine how it is: “died” or “died” …

When and how to talk about death

Better not to over tighten. Sometimes you have to take a little pause, because the speaker must calm down a little himself. But still, speak as quickly after the event as you can. The longer the child remains in the feeling that something bad and incomprehensible has happened, that he is alone with this unknown danger, the worse it is for him.

Choose a time when the child will not be overworked: when he has slept, eaten and does not experience physical discomfort. When the situation is as calm as possible under the circumstances.

Do it in a place where you won’t be interrupted or disturbed, where you can talk quietly. Do this in a familiar and safe place for the child (for example, at home), so that later he has the opportunity to be alone or use familiar and favorite things.

Hug a small child or take it on your knees. A teenager can be hugged by the shoulders or taken by the hand. The main thing is that this contact should not be unpleasant for the child, and also that it should not be something out of the ordinary. If hugging is not accepted in your family, then it is better not to do anything unusual in this situation.

It is important that at the same time he sees and listens to you, and does not look at the TV or window with one eye. Establish eye-to-eye contact. Be short and simple.

In this case, the main information in your message should be duplicated. “Mom died, she is no more” or “Grandfather was sick, and the doctors could not help. He died». Do not say “gone”, “fell asleep forever”, “left” — these are all euphemisms, metaphors that are not very clear to the child.

After that, pause. No more need to be said. Everything that the child still needs to know, he will ask himself.

What can children ask?

Young children may be interested in technical details. Buried or not buried? Will the worms eat it? And then he suddenly asks: “Will he come to my birthday?” Or: “Dead? Where is he now?»

No matter how strange the question the child asks, do not be surprised, do not resent, and do not consider that these are signs of disrespect. It is difficult for a small child to immediately understand what death is. Therefore, he «puts in his head» what it is. Sometimes it gets pretty weird.

To the question: “He died — how is it? And what is he now? you can answer according to your own ideas about life after death. But in any case, do not be afraid. Do not say that death is a punishment for sins, and avoid explaining that it is “like falling asleep and not waking up”: the child may become afraid to sleep or watch other adults so that they do not sleep.

Children tend to ask anxiously, «Are you going to die too?» Answer honestly that yes, but not now and not soon, but later, “when you are big, big, when you have many more people in your life who will love you and whom you will love …”.

Pay attention to the child that he has relatives, friends, that he is not alone, that he is loved by many people besides you. Say that with age there will be even more such people. For example, he will have a loved one, his own children.

The first days after the loss

After you have said the main thing — just silently stay next to him. Give your child time to absorb what they hear and respond. In the future, act in accordance with the reaction of the child:

• If he reacted to the message with questions, then answer them directly and sincerely, no matter how strange or inappropriate these questions may seem to you.
• If he sits down to play or draw, slowly join in and play or draw with him. Do not offer anything, play, act according to his rules, the way he needs.
• If he cries, hug him or take his hand. If repulsive, say «I’m there» and sit next to you without saying or doing anything. Then slowly start a conversation. Say sympathetic words. Tell us about what will happen in the near future — today and in the coming days.
• If he runs away, don’t go after him right away. Look at what he is doing in a short time, in 20-30 minutes. Whatever he does, try to determine if he wants your presence. People have the right to mourn alone, even very small ones. But this should be checked.

Do not try to do something exceptional for the child, such as giving chocolate that is usually forbidden to him, or cooking something that is usually eaten in the family for the holidays. Let the food be ordinary and also the one that the child will eat. Neither you nor he has the strength to argue about “tasteless but healthy” on this day.

Before going to bed, sit with him longer or, if necessary, until he falls asleep. Let me leave the lights on if he’s afraid. If the child is scared and asks to go to bed with you, you can take him to your place on the first night, but do not offer it yourself and try not to make it a habit: it’s better to sit next to him until he falls asleep.

Tell him what life will be like next: what will happen tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, in a week, in a month. Fame is comforting. Make plans and carry them out.

Participation in commemorations and funerals

It is worth taking a child to a funeral and a wake only if there is a person next to him whom the child trusts and who can only deal with him: take him away in time, calm him down if he cries.

Someone who can calmly explain to the child what is happening, and protect (if necessary) from too insistent condolences. If they begin to lament over the child “oh you are an orphan” or “how are you now” — this is useless.

In addition, you must be sure that the funeral (or wake) will be held in a moderate atmosphere — someone’s tantrum can scare a child.

It is quite possible to ask a child how he would like to say goodbye: to go to the funeral, or maybe it would be better for him to go to the grave with you later?

If you think it is better for the child not to attend the funeral and want to send him to another place, for example, to relatives, then tell him where he will go, why, who will be there with him and when you will pick him up. For example: “Tomorrow you will stay with your grandmother, because here a lot of different people will come to us, they will cry, and this is hard. I’ll pick you up at 8 o’clock.»

Of course, the people with whom the child remains should be, if possible, “their own”: those acquaintances or relatives to whom the child often visits and is familiar with their daily routine. Also agree that they treat the child “as always”, that is, they do not regret, do not cry over him.

The deceased family member performed some functions in relation to the child. Maybe he bathed or took away from kindergarten, or maybe it was he who read a fairy tale to the child before going to bed. Do not try to replace the deceased and return to the child all the lost pleasant activities. But try to save the most important, the lack of which will be especially noticeable.

Most likely, at these very moments, the longing for the departed will be sharper than usual. Therefore, be tolerant of irritability, crying, anger. To the fact that the child is unhappy with the way you do it, to the fact that the child wants to be alone and will avoid you.

The child has the right to grieve

Avoid talking about death. As the topic of death is “processed”, the child will come up and ask questions. This is fine. The child is trying to understand and accept very complex things, using the mental arsenal that he has.

The theme of death may appear in his games, for example, he will bury toys, in drawings. Do not be afraid that at first these games or drawings will have an aggressive character: cruel “tearing off” the arms and legs of toys; blood, skulls, the predominance of dark colors in the drawings. Death has taken away a loved one from the child, and he has the right to be angry and “speak” with her in his own language.

Do not rush to turn off the TV if the theme of death flashes in a program or cartoon. Do not specifically remove books in which this topic is present. It may even be better if you have a «starting point» to talk to him again.

Do not try to distract from such conversations and questions. The questions will not disappear, but the child will go with them not to you or decide that something terrible is being hidden from him that threatens you or him.

Even in the weeping of adults, the motive “to whom did you leave us” slips. Therefore, do not forbid the child to express his anger. Let him speak out, and only then repeat to him that the deceased did not want to leave him, but it just so happened. That no one is to blame. That the deceased loved him and, if he could, would never leave him.

On average, the period of acute grief lasts 6-8 weeks. If after this time the child does not leave fears, if he urinates in bed, grinds his teeth in a dream, sucks or bites his fingers, twists, tears his eyebrows or hair, swings in a chair, runs on tiptoe for a long time, is afraid to be without you even on a short time — all these are signals for contacting specialists.

If the child has become aggressive, pugnacious or has begun to receive minor injuries, if, on the contrary, he is too obedient, tries to stay near you, often says pleasant things to you or fawns — these are also reasons for alarm.

Key Message: Life Goes On

Everything you say and do should carry one basic message: “A woe has happened. It’s scary, it hurts, it’s bad. And yet life goes on and everything will get better.” Reread this phrase again and say it to yourself, even if the deceased is so dear to you that you refuse to believe in life without him.

If you are reading this, you are a person who is not indifferent to children’s grief. You have someone to support and something to live for. And you, too, have the right to your acute grief, you have the right to support, to medical and psychological assistance.

From grief itself, as such, no one has yet died: any grief, even the worst, passes sooner or later, it is inherent in us by nature. But it happens that grief seems unbearable and life is given with great difficulty. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too.

The material was prepared on the basis of lectures by psychologist and psychotherapist Varvara Sidorova.