How to survive in the office if your boss is a narcissist?

Five years, exactly half of my office term, I “rewound” under the guidance of a narcissistic boss. In fact, I was his right hand. Who are narcissists, then I had no idea — in front of me was a lively, self-confident person who clearly knew what he was doing and did not deviate from the intended goal. A charming scoundrel — in corporations, such people are on a special account, they are respected and even feared.

But fears and insecurities turned me into a devoted watchdog. I guarded the peace of «Mr. Boss» at the cost of my own health and self-realization, and I was well paid for this. But emotionally, I was exhausted to the limit — three years after escaping from the office, the words «work» and «money» were strongly associated with the prison regime of extreme severity.

Leader must be chosen

Trite, but true: the boss must be chosen. At the first meeting, take a closer look at him, follow the sensations, find out information. In fact, we work more for a particular person than for ourselves or even for the corporation as a whole. It’s worth doing this, even if nothing bothers you right away — after all, daffodils can be extremely charming and cute!

My mistake was that I agreed in absentia to work under the guidance of a man whom I had never seen in my life. At that time, I had already gone to interviews for a long time, and when a friend mentioned that they were looking for a PR manager for the team, I gladly agreed.

The conditions were good, I trusted a friend, so even when I suspected something was wrong (while making inquiries, I found out that he was simply fired from one of the previous jobs that my future boss boasted about), I didn’t tell anyone anything.

If it seems to you, then it doesn’t seem to you

Narcissism is based on deceit. Denying their essence in the name of a socially approved image, narcissists constantly embellish the reality around them. In order to look better in the eyes of others, they manipulate others, replace facts with fiction — and now black becomes white. At first, I regularly noticed contradictions and inconsistencies.

Never before had I come across a person so selflessly lying. It was like a movie I was watching — a delicate lace of lies, recreating the smallest details of a non-existent meeting, for example. The danger lies in the fact that the distortion broadcast by narcissists is toxic.

Lies are confusing, blur the boundaries of reality and make you doubt yourself: “Maybe I don’t understand something?” In work, it becomes difficult to separate facts from conjectures and fantasies, to draw your own conclusions and rely on them. Especially if the narcissist is endowed with more power by default, and it is impossible to verify the information.

Keep a safe distance

The narcissistic boss needs close emotional contact, his power is based on vigilant control and fear. At first, he captivates and fascinates you, but soon, without noticing it, you find yourself on a short leash — you completely obey him, without missing a single SMS. My boss and I bonded quickly. He is a senior comrade, charming and friendly, his competence beyond suspicion.

We have ambitious tasks ahead of us, we are launching a new brand and preparing for a press conference for days. And a year later we spend half a day in confidential conversations. The relationship seems safe, but when I return to my floor, I feel as if I have been “shaken”, turned upside down. In fact, communication was initially too intense, toxic, but also magnetically attractive at the same time.

I waited for an audience for weeks, and after that I sat “on the carpet” (as I jokingly called our meetings) for hours, afraid to move: to be distracted by the phone or go to the toilet. I was enthusiastic and naive, I was flattered by the attention, the proximity to the center of decision-making and power was captivating. We stayed in the office until late at night, I canceled meetings with friends, skipped the gym, consoling myself that it was so necessary for work.

Complaining is OK

Most of all, narcissists fear exposure. They perceive the threat to a false image as quite real, therefore they guard their “legend” with all their might. Truth and facts are to them like an aspen stake to vampires — and this is your main trump card in the web of manipulation and lies. Of course, as a disciplined, responsible and systematic person, it was extremely uncomfortable for me to work in the fog.

I had to make a lot of efforts to understand what was happening, to achieve clarity. We did not have demarcated powers, most decisions were made ad hoc, there was no planning or logic in them, and the result was required immediately. I was under tremendous stress.

I looked for an opportunity to clarify the situation, asked questions, even wrote emails a couple of times, they remained unanswered. But it never crossed my mind to complain: I valued the boss’s location too much, looked for the reason in myself and continued to try.

Boost your professional self-esteem

Narcissists are demanding, secretive and suspicious. They evade responsibility, do not forgive mistakes, and regularly make you feel guilty even for minor shortcomings. But they tend to embellish the significance of their own efforts and benefactors, and also constantly demonstrate superiority. To please the boss, I worked in “Cinderella mode”: I brought food to the office, ran for flowers so that he could congratulate his colleagues, and won back checks for accounting in restaurants forgotten after business meetings.

I was in touch around the clock and allowed myself to be used. At meetings and events, I conveyed greetings to the right people using prompts from SMS, expressed ostentatious admiration and did not dare to say a word across — for disagreeing I was scolded and accused of unprofessionalism. I felt humiliated, I felt communication with strangers like a hundred-pound weight hanging around my neck, and then there were special tasks …

But I was afraid of looking weak, I felt indebted, and glad to be of service. I had a complex about my competence. For twelve months, I proved that I was worthy of a new position.

Form your team

Narcissists don’t like competition. Being in a special position with the leadership, in a state of permanent war for the title of «the best», they often push people around with their foreheads. As a result, relationships within the team rot, become hostile and competitive. Unnecessarily idealizing the boss, I got angry and annoyed at those around me, it seemed that there were enemies all around.

Once I learned about the meeting, which was to be held with the key vice president, after it had begun. I didn’t present any agenda or tasks, it’s good at least I ended up in the office — all the information was “stuck” at the boss level. I had to take a hit on myself — the tension from the current situation and the unwillingness of our unit to make contact resulted in a public squabble in front of the top management.

As I understand now, I lacked respect and recognition. I was not taken seriously, they did not share the partnership approach to work. It was only after I was appointed head that I delegated part of the functions, the concern for the boss (thanks to circumstances) came to naught — and an understandable and clear system was formed in the department.

I found “my” person as an assistant, and after six months of working together, the project, which I had been working on alone for several years, reached a new level. The changes freed up the resource, I felt confident and supported and finally decided to leave the office.

This story taught me that being yourself is the most winning strategy for yourself and those around you. And for that knowledge, I am eternally grateful to my narcissistic boss.