Stress is unpredictable. It can be provided not only by the tyrant boss, but also by a charming angel-like baby. How not to succumb to irritation if people around you cause problems not out of a desire to anger you, but due to a lack of upbringing?
… Sunday afternoon. Finally, my husband and I found time to visit the Great Impressionists exhibition. At the entrance there is a queue both for the wardrobe and for tickets: there are many people who want to enjoy the work of outstanding painters among Nizhny Novgorod residents. Barely stepping over the threshold of the hall, we find ourselves in a truly magical world: muted light, quiet music of the XNUMXth century, dancing weightless ballerinas, and around – canvases by Edgar Degas, Claude Monet and Auguste Renoir, projected on large screens. All the shops and pear-shaped poufs are occupied by spectators immersed in this unreal atmosphere.
Reality, alas, turned out to be stronger than the art world. Two little boys of four or five years old, with noise and joyful shouts, jump on poufs. Their young well-dressed mothers have no time to look at the pictures – they are concerned about the safety of overly mischievous children. As a result, it is impossible to perceive the impressionists within a radius of twenty meters from the frolicking kids. We approach the mothers and politely ask them to calm the children down. One of the mothers looks up in surprise: “You need to – you and calm them down!” The boys hear these words and demonstratively increase both the intensity of the jumps and the number of decibels. The poufs around are starting to empty: the audience silently moves to where it is less noisy. Twenty minutes pass. Children are frolicking, mothers are unperturbed. And we, realizing that in such an atmosphere, works of art are not perceived as they should, we leave the hall. The long-awaited visit to the exhibition did not bring pleasure, time and money were wasted. In our disappointment, we were not alone: in the wardrobe, intelligent ladies were quietly indignant, why bring children to such events.
And really, why? The desire of mothers from an early age to instill in children a love of beauty should not contradict their age-related ability to perceive such spectacles. Well, the little ones are not interested in the impressionists! And the installations of world-famous paintings are perceived by children as a play of sunbeams, nothing more. And when children are frankly bored, they begin to entertain themselves as much as they can: they jump, laugh, shout. And, of course, they interfere with all those who did not come for outdoor games.
No, we did not blame the noisy kids for the ruined day. Children behave as adults allow them. The visit to the exhibition was ruined for us by their mothers. Who, either because of great love for their children, or because of boundless selfishness, did not want to reckon with other people. In the long term, of course, such a position will inevitably turn into a boomerang: a child, whom his mother allows not to bother with the opinions of others, will not be receptive to her needs and wishes. But these will be her problems. But what about everyone else? What to do – enter into a conflict and spoil your mood even more or learn to abstract yourself from the results of such educational helplessness?
The psychologists’ point of view is on the next page.
Is someone else’s child bothering you? Tell him about it!
Svetlana Gamzaeva, practicing psychologist, author of the Spices of the Soul project:
“A good question: is it possible to abstract from what is happening next to you? And is it possible at all? How to deal with your irritation, with annoyance? With the fact that you are neglected, easily violate your boundaries, and when you try to talk about it – refuse to hear about your needs?
The first desire, it would seem, is not to react. To score on everything and have fun. According to my observations, not reacting is such a social dream of ours. There are many things that annoy us in this life, but we try not to react like enlightened Buddhist monks. And as a result, we neglect ourselves – our feelings, needs, interests. We push deep into or displace our experiences. And then they either break out of place, or develop, for example, into various symptoms and even diseases.
You say you don’t blame the kids for ruining the day. Why don’t you blame? Didn’t they ruin it? We usually hesitate to contact children directly if they are close to their parents. As if children are the property of their parents. Or some kind of untouchable creature.
It seems to us that we have no right to interfere with the upbringing of other people’s children. In education – maybe it’s true, no. And if we started to say: “Children, do not make noise. There’s a museum here. It is customary in the museum to be quiet. You interfere with others, ”that would be insincere moralizing. It is important to be sincere with children, then they are able to hear you. And if you tell the child specifically about yourself, your needs, with the fullness of your trampled feelings: “Stop! You’re bothering me! You jump and scream, and it distracts me terribly. It makes me very angry actually. I cannot relax and feel this amazing painting. After all, I came here to relax and enjoy. So please stop yelling and jumping. “
Such sincerity is important for children. It is important for them to see that the people around them are able to defend their needs. And that people care how they behave as children.
Perhaps, by starting to jump more violently, the children provoked you to precisely this response. If their parents are afraid to pull them up, then let at least an outside adult do it. Children want to be pulled back – if on business. The worst thing for them is indifference. When they, for example, interfere with others, and others do not react. And then they start to interfere stronger and stronger. Just to be heard.
And, finally, you can protect your rights with the administration. After all, you paid money to be able to watch the exhibit in peace. And the organizers of the exhibition, by selling the service, are also selling the conditions in which it will take place. That is, the appropriate atmosphere. It is their responsibility to ensure that the exhibition does not turn into a gym.
Of course, we are not going to the exhibition in order to enter into conflicts and defend our rights. But even here one cannot hide from life. And accepting your feelings in order to protect your interests is still more careful with yourself than hiding from your own experiences and trying not to react to yourself and those around you. It means allowing yourself to be alive. “
Tatiana Yurievna Sokolova, perinatal psychologist, host of the School of expectant mothers (Persona clinic):
“It will help you cope with stress by knowing that you are the only one responsible for your emotions. Unfortunately, there are a lot of situations in our life that we cannot change. After all, you cannot re-educate ill-bred children, just as you cannot force their mothers to become wiser, attentive to the needs of others.
There are two ways. Or you follow the path of reaction (you get irritated, get angry, try to reason with frivolous mothers, complain to the organizers of the exhibition, then you cannot calm down for a long time, discuss this situation with your friends, play it in your head for a long time, like a monk from a parable about a girl who was carried across the river his friend (see below)). But that is not all. As a result, your blood pressure may rise, your head aches, and as a result, ruin the rest of your day.
There is also a second way. You say to yourself, “Yes, this situation is unpleasant. The impression from the exhibition is spoiled. Yes, I’m annoyed, upset right now. And finally, the key phrase: “I forbid negative emotions to destroy themselves.” There are two important things you do this way. First, you stop negative emotional reactions. In addition, you begin to manage these emotions. You are them, not they are you! You start thinking intelligently, constructively, and rationally. And emotions gradually recede. It is not easy, but it is the path to success.
Believe me, it was not these children and their mothers who spoiled the impression of the exhibition, but you yourself allowed someone to spoil your mood. Realizing this, we take responsibility for what happens to us. And these are the first important steps in managing your life, your emotions, your health. “
The parable of the monks
Somehow old and young monks were returning to their monastery. Their path was crossed by a river, which, due to the rains, overflowed. There was a woman on the bank who needed to get to the opposite bank, but she could not do without outside help. The vow strictly forbade monks to touch women. The young monk, noticing the woman, defiantly turned away, and the old monk approached her, picked her up and carried her across the river. The monks remained silent for the rest of the journey, but at the monastery itself the young monk could not resist:
– How could you touch a woman !? You made a vow!
To which the old replied:
“I carried it over and left it on the bank of the river, and you still carry it.