A breakup doesn’t always put an end to a relationship with an ex who continues to influence your life, behaving unpredictably and rudely. He is rude, presses, insults, forces to change decisions and plans. How to behave in such a situation? What to do to stop the aggression against you?
The ex-husband sent Natalia a message that contained insults and a threat to her life. So he reacted to the refusal to change the schedule of his meetings with his son. It was not the first time he threatened her – most often he began to attack at a meeting, if he could not put pressure in other ways.
But this time the threat was recorded on the phone, and Natalya showed the message to the police. In response, the husband hired a lawyer and said that the ex-wife was the first to threaten him. I had to join the war that he unleashed. Courts, lawyers demanded money, communication with a former spouse was exhausting. Natalya was tired, she needed a break. She was looking for a way to protect herself, to limit communication with him without the intervention of the court and the police.
7 simple steps helped put her ex-husband in his place.
1. Decide why you are in a relationship
Natalya was afraid of her ex-husband, but she had to communicate with him, because they were united by a common child, a common past. But when discussing affairs and problems, he often turned to personalities, recalled old grievances, insulted, led away from the topic of conversation.
“Every time you interact with a person, remind yourself why you are in contact with him. In each case, it is appropriate to set certain limits and strictly adhere to them, ”advises counseling psychologist Christine Hammond.
2. Set boundaries
Openness and honesty in a relationship is only possible when you feel safe. In a state of conflict, on the contrary, it is necessary to establish rigid boundaries and protect them, no matter how the former partner resists.
“Do not be afraid to set limits, for example, refuse verbal communication, personal meetings, discuss business only in messages. It is not necessary to explain the reasons, it is enough just to put the aggressor before the fact, ”says Christine Hammond.
3. Accept that your ex won’t change.
Of course, we do not expect love and understanding from a dangerous and aggressive person. However, Natalya hoped that if she agreed with her husband’s demands, he would stop insulting her. But this did not happen. She had to rethink her expectations. She realized that she could not change his behavior in any way and was not responsible for him.
4. Protect yourself
It always hurts to realize that we trusted the wrong person. But that doesn’t mean we can’t protect ourselves. In order to hide from the anger and rudeness of her former partner, Natalya began to imagine that his rudeness and insults seemed to bounce off her without causing harm.
5. “Test” your ex
Previously, when the ex-husband behaved peacefully for some time, Natalya began to believe that this would always be the case, and each time she was mistaken. Over time, taught by bitter experience, she began to “test” him. For example, she told him something and checked whether he would abuse her trust. I read his messages on social networks in order to know in advance what mood he is in and prepare for a conversation with him.
6. Do not hurry
Natalya limited the time of conversations by planning phone calls about the child in advance. If a personal meeting could not be avoided, she took one of her friends or relatives with her. She was no longer in a hurry to respond to his messages and requests, and carefully considered every word and decision.
7. Formulate communication rules
When dealing with an aggressive person, you must always strictly adhere to the restrictions that you have set for him. If your partner is rude and raises his voice, just stop talking. When Natalya’s ex-husband began to insult her, she wrote: “we’ll talk later.” If he did not let up, she turned off the phone.
This is an example of behavior modification. For a “good” person receives a reward – they continue the conversation with him. For the “bad” awaits “punishment” – communication immediately stops. In some cases, Natalya showed her husband’s messages to one of her friends or relatives and asked them to answer for her.
Since she started using the seven ways to protect herself from aggression, her relationship with her ex-husband has improved. Sometimes he again took up the old, but Natalya was ready for this. Over time, he realized that he could no longer manipulate Natalia and achieve what he wanted with the help of insults. There was no point in aggression now.
About the Expert: Kristin Hammond is a counseling psychologist, family conflict expert, and author of The Exhausted Woman’s Handbook (Xulon Press, 2014).