Today, they write and talk a lot about how to recognize a toxic person — someone who speaks negatively about everything, interferes in the lives of others, poisoning it, devaluing the words and actions of others. But how to understand that such a person is you yourself?
They say that someone else’s opinion of us should not worry us too much. Another thing is also true: how we are perceived by the majority can say a lot about who we really are. If you’re wondering how your actions affect others, that’s a good sign.
The most toxic do not care about such trifles. Until the last moment, they do not admit that the problem may be in themselves. If you are a 100% toxic person, then you are unlikely to pay attention to the warning signs that others use to mark boundaries.
If you understand that something is not right in your relationship and are willing to work on it, you will find the courage to agree with some of the statements:
- You suffer from social anxiety and are afraid of embarrassing yourself in public, avoiding people and criticizing them, thus controlling them.
- When your friends talk about what’s happening to them, you look for the negative instead of being happy for them.
- You are constantly trying to set the right path or «fix» someone with whom you have an unimportant relationship.
- All you do is keep talking about his unacceptable behavior, but for some reason you do not stop communicating with him.
- You have very few friends, and those that you have, you hold on to with an iron grip.
- You show love or admiration only when you need something.
- Over the past year, you have never admitted to another that you were wrong, but you will try to correct yourself.
- Your self-esteem has two poles. You either consider yourself better, higher and purer than others, or you are sure that you are one of the most miserable and unworthy people.
- You can’t say that you get along with a lot of people, but at the same time you know for sure that you can charm them in one way or another if necessary.
- People break up with you and avoid you.
- Everywhere you make enemies, everywhere there are people who speak negatively about you.
- Most likely, deep down you know what long-term trauma makes you suffer and feel vulnerable and empty.
Whether or not you recognize yourself in these statements, the litmus test that shows who you are is your answer to two questions. Are you the person who sows negativity in the life of another, but at the same time you manage to convince him not to break off relations with you? Do you ever realize that you’re hurting someone else’s feelings, but you still don’t apologize or stop doing it?
If you answered yes to both questions, you are not alone. But you have to go a long way to change. Your toxicity in relationships with others is a reflection of your toxicity in relationships with yourself.
Deep trauma prevents you from truly getting along with yourself, and this affects how you communicate with others. This is what you need to work with, ideally together with a specialist. But the first thing to do is to listen. If someone says that you hurt his or her feelings, don’t respond with reasons why you don’t. If others say that you are negatively impacting their lives, chances are you are. Such words are not thrown around in vain.
You offended others not because you are a bad person — this is your defense mechanism
Of course, it’s not possible to immediately start showing empathy for others. First, try to empathize with yourself. In the meantime, do not change, try — but only as delicately as possible! — stop communicating with those whose life your presence in it negatively affects.
The coming weeks, months, and maybe even years you have to devote to yourself and healing from long-standing injuries. You offended others not because you are a bad person — it’s just your defense mechanism. This, of course, does not justify your actions, but at least explains. This means that you can and should be healed.
If not for yourself, then for others. Don’t let the past rule your life. Of course, you can apologize to everyone who was hurt, but this will not solve the problem. You have to change, stop thinking about what is wrong with others and focus on yourself.
Feeling happier, you will become a little kinder. You are not helpless, you are just deeply hurt. But there is a light ahead. It’s time to see him.