How to deal with cold people

We all remember the fairy tale about the boy Kai, whose heart became «hard and icy» because of the fragments of the devil’s mirror. He was able to regain feelings and become himself only thanks to the love of Gerda. And what about Kai, who we can meet in real life? Can you teach him to feel?

What do we know about Kai?

• He easily becomes attached to people. Kai does not believe in his happiness and the constancy of the feelings of another person, so he regularly checks his strength and every time rejoices at the result, but does not show emotions. At the same time, he is characterized by a sharp transition from «I want to handle» to upholding independence and independence. Express to him an even, calm, constant feeling, but sometimes take it on your hands, because he is “very adult and very small.”
• Afraid of his feelings. Kai is wary of admitting he is «bad» and rejects the possibility of hatred. And in general, he treats all strong feelings ambivalently: he wants and is afraid of them.
• He has many small fears. There are big fears — for example, to die and go crazy. Here Kai treats them quite calmly. He is afraid of being rejected, weak, unsuitable, therefore he constantly asks himself the question: «I am strong or weak.»
• Disassembles all concepts into parts and reassembles in his version. Everything Kai touches should become «his» — as if he puts his mark or seal.
• His bad condition — lack of will, motivation and energy. Kai can’t function when he doesn’t have all the things that usually keep him moving forward. In this state, it will seem to the interlocutor that Kai’s gears do not rotate — in front of him is a smooth inert log.
• Shows polarized feelings towards others. There is no golden mean: it is either a very high sensitivity, or — stiffness and coldness, because of which he is not capable of elementary attentiveness to the experiences of the interlocutor.
• Rarely is alone. Most often, Kai can be found in a company that is friendly and warm. He deliberately looks for similar ones and creates them himself, but quickly loses contact with the participants.

Coaching with Kai

In working with Kai, gradualness and consistency are important, otherwise sharp rollbacks and regressions occur. Also essential are a sense of affection and trust, melody and intonation, which he lacks, but which he appreciates in others.

• Engage his body constantly. You need to find different excuses for this, but you can start with bodily practices, and short ones. They are reminiscent of the density of the body, which means they give Kai the feeling of some guaranteed existence. “In the near future, no one will eat me,” he rejoices.
• Advise him on a trade. Become a shoemaker, sew, knit, carpentry … Fine motor skills awaken and normalize Kai. Moreover, the more work, the less he mumbles to himself.
• Discuss feelings with Kai. First, this must be done abstractly: in what situations, by whom and how they manifest themselves, for example, in books and films. And only then celebrate them in life. Let him learn to fix his own feelings, and then other people’s: «Guess what I felt when you told me this in such a tone.»
• Don’t take him out of his stupor. He must do it on his own and of his own free will. Will and emotions never dry up to the bottom — there is always something left, so you should not pull them out through a violent «come on, one, two.»
• But don’t leave Kai in his imaginary reality. It is huge, it is easy for him in it, much easier than in the real one. Do not give in to his “we feel so good here, we are like in our mother’s tummy, why do we need some kind of outside world there?”. Do not be fooled by the usual cozy theoretical conversations, drag him into life — gently and persistently.