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While there is talk of a “new phenomenon” in society, the next victims are suffering somewhere. We understand why in recent years there have been so many abusers, where they were before, and why some are still convinced that the one who suffered from it is to blame for the manifestations of abuse.
The word «abuse» is increasingly appearing on the pages of print and online publications. But what it is and why abusive relationships are dangerous is still not understood by everyone. Some even say that this is nothing more than marketing (books with the term «abuse» in the title break all sales records, and online courses for victims of abuse are replicated by millions of launches).
But in fact, the new word gave its name to an old and rooted phenomenon in our society.
What is an abusive relationship
Abusive relationships are those in which one person violates the personal boundaries of another, humiliates, allows cruelty in communication and actions in order to suppress the will of the victim. Usually abusive relationships — in a couple, between relatives, parents and children, or a boss and subordinate — develop on the rise. First, this is a violation of boundaries and a slight, as if by chance, suppression of the will, then personal and financial isolation. Insults and manifestations of cruelty are the extreme points of an abusive relationship.
Abuse in cinema and literature
“But what about crazy love, like Romeo and Juliet?” — you ask. This is also an abusive relationship. And any other romantic stories are from the same opera. When he achieves her, and she refuses him, then succumbs to his pressure, and then throws herself off a cliff, because her beloved has died or gone to another, this is also not about love. It’s about codependency. Without it, there would be no interesting novel or memorable film.
The film industry has romanticized abuse. And this is one of the reasons why unhealthy relationships seem to us exactly what we have been looking for all our lives.
Stories like Juliet, John and Elizabeth from 9 ½ Weeks, Daenerys and Khala Drogo from Game of Thrones, happening to real people, worry psychologists. Society, on the contrary, relishes them, finding them romantic, entertaining and even instructive.
If someone’s relationship develops smoothly, is based on equal partnership and trust, for many it seems boring or even suspicious. There is no sentimental drama, butterflies in the stomach, a sea of tears, a woman does not fight in hysterics, a man does not kill an opponent in a duel — a mess …
If your relationship is developing like a movie, we most likely have bad news for you.
«Abuse is fashion»
There are many opinions about why abusive relationships are suddenly in the spotlight. Often they are diametrically opposed. As always, the truth is somewhere in the middle.
Most often you can hear the idea that modern people have become too pampered — sensual and vulnerable. Any unusual situation can lead to stress, and even to suicide. “If they tried to talk about some kind of abuse in the First or Second World War or in Stalin’s time. And in general, with an attitude like that of modern youth, no war can be won.
No matter how harsh this opinion may sound, there is some truth in it. In the XNUMXth century, especially in its beginning and middle, people were more «thick-skinned». Yes, they felt pain — physical and psychological, experienced, losing loved ones, fell in love and were upset, if the feeling was not mutual, but not as exaggerated as the modern generation. And there is a logical explanation for this.
At that time, people literally survived — the First World War, the revolution of 1917, the famine of 1932-1933, the Second World War, post-war devastation and famine. The country more or less recovered from these events only by the reign of Khrushchev. If the people of that time were as sensitive as we are, they simply would not have survived all those horrors.
Adult abuser is a traumatized child
Modern conditions of existence are not so cruel and difficult, which means that human feelings can develop. This led to the fact that people began to be born with a more vulnerable psyche. For them, situations that are only remotely similar to those that took place at the beginning and middle of the XNUMXth century are a real disaster.
Increasingly, psychologists meet people with a deep «dislike» in childhood at sessions. Although, it would seem, a modern mother has much more time and energy for a child than an average mother in the middle of the last century.
These children grow up to be wounded adults, and often abusers. Patterns from the past encourage them to receive love in certain, non-environmental ways, or to become victims who do not know how to get out of a vicious relationship. Such people meet a partner, become attached to him with all their heart and begin to be jealous, control, limit communication, destroy self-esteem, and exert pressure.
Sources of legalized abuse
But abuse has always existed and is unlikely to disappear from our lives. Just before there were no experts who would dare to raise this topic. And this is a global trend.
Unhealthy interpersonal relationships are everywhere. The leaders in abuse between a man and a woman are the Middle Eastern countries, where they still raise children within the framework of outdated traditions and conventions, put unhealthy ideas about marriage and rights in it into their heads.
In Russian culture, abuse is also an integral part of life. Just remember «Domostroy», where a woman is a slave of her husband, obedient, submissive and silent. But until now, many believe that domostroevsky relations are right. And there are experts who broadcast it to the masses and get a great response from the audience (and, surprisingly, from women).
Let’s get back to our story. Second half of the XX century. A huge number of soldiers did not return from the war, in cities and villages there is a total shortage of men. Women accepted anyone — both crippled, and drinkers, and those whose psyche suffered.
The man in the house was a guarantee of survival in difficult times. Often he lived in two or even three families, and openly
This practice was especially widespread in the villages. Women wanted children and a family so much that they even agreed to such conditions, because there were only two options: “either this way or no way.”
Many modern installations are rooted there — from our grandmothers and great-grandmothers. What seemed to be the norm during the period of acute shortage of men is unacceptable today, but some women continue to live like this. After all, my grandmother also bequeathed: “well, let him beat sometimes, but he doesn’t drink and brings money into the house.” However, do not forget that the abuser is not tied to the male sex — a woman can also act as an abuser in the family.
Today we have all the resources to live a harmonious and happy life. The world is finally talking about codependencies, aggressors and victims. Whoever you are, you don’t have to live the way seven generations before you lived. You can get out of the script familiar to society and ancestors and live in respect and acceptance.