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Why, when you finally decide to break off the relationship that has exhausted you, does your partner, as luck would have it, become active and begin to loom before your eyes? Either he will remind you of himself with a call or a gift, or he will simply come and spin in a passionate embrace? How to leave if he won’t let go?
We all want to live harmoniously and happily, but, unfortunately, this is not always the case. Some women suffer a lot in relationships. In an attempt to return love, they try a variety of means, but as soon as they exhale with relief that everything has worked out, the idyll collapses in an instant. They live from scandal to scandal. Sometimes quarrels can be accompanied by beatings.
One day they decide that it can’t go on like this, but breaking off relations, it turns out, is not so easy.
“I would leave, but he won’t let me go,” they explain. In fact, the reason is that such women are not ready to take responsibility for their lives, and it is beneficial for them to remain emotionally dependent on a partner. Let’s see why this happens and what to do about it.
The root of the problem
Relationships in which partners “cannot live without each other” are rooted in childhood. Children not only copy the models of parental relationships, but they themselves are formed in an environment where they love or seek to remake, respect or suppress each other’s desires, where they are confident or doubt the strength of each family member.
If relationships in childhood were far from healthy, children grow up to be underformed adults looking for a «soul mate» in order to fill in the gaps in themselves. For example, if parents imposed their desires, they hardly understand what they want, they are looking for someone who will take care of them, and in fact they give responsibility for their lives to another person.
As a result, even when relationships cause unbearable suffering, it seems impossible to decide on a breakup. In psychology, such relationships are called co-dependent, that is, those in which partners depend on each other.
Why is it so hard to decide to leave?
1. Lack of understanding that another, happy life is possible
It seems that the current life is the norm, because there was simply no other experience before my eyes. The fear of the unknown is incredibly strong — or you just don’t want to “change the awl for soap”.
2. Anxiety that things will get worse after a breakup
Now we live at the very least, and what will happen next is unclear.
3. Fear of being alone
«No one will love you like he does, or no one will love in principle.» There is no experience of a happy life with oneself, so the fear of leaving a relationship is tantamount to the fear of dying.
4. Need for protection
It is terrible not to cope with a new life — with providing for yourself and your children, if any. I want to be protected by someone big and strong.
The list of fears is endless, and they will definitely win and will not let go until the woman realizes the main reason. It consists in the fact that both partners have certain unconscious benefits of remaining in a painful relationship. Both him and her.
The psychological model of co-dependent relationships is perfectly described by the Karpman triangle
Its essence is that each partner appears in one of the three roles: Rescuer, Victim or Persecutor. The victim constantly suffers, complains that life is unfair, but is in no hurry to correct the situation, but waits for the Rescuer to come to the rescue, sympathize with her and protect her. The Rescuer comes, but sooner or later, due to fatigue and the inability to move the Victim, he gets tired and turns into a Persecutor, punishing the Victim for helplessness.
This triangle is incredibly stable and lasts as long as the participants have secondary benefits to stay in it.
Secondary Benefits of Staying in a Relationship
The Rescuer gains confidence in the need of the Victim: he sees that she is not going anywhere from him.
The victim can be weak, complain about others and thus receive the protection of the Rescuer.
The persecutor, bringing down his anger on the Victim, feels stronger and can assert himself at her expense.
Thus, in order to receive benefits, each in the triangle needs the other. Sometimes such relationships last a lifetime, and the participants in the triangle can periodically change roles.
How to get out of such a relationship?
It is possible to break this cycle only after realizing what is happening and turning from a person dependent on another person into an independent, responsible person.
Once upon a time, I myself fell into the trap of codependency and went a long way before leaving a painful relationship and building a healthy one. Recovery can take place in different ways, but the main stages are similar. I will describe them with my example.
1. Understand the secondary benefits of the current union
The fact that you are in a co-dependent relationship indicates that you are missing something. Now you meet these needs at the expense of a partner, but in fact you can do it without him, although you don’t know how yet.
2. Realize what price you get love.
In my case, it was constantly frustrated plans, persistent anxiety, poor health, lack of rest, depression, and ultimately the loss of myself as a woman. Understanding this gave me the opportunity to see what I had turned my life into, to feel my “bottom” and push off from it.
3. Learn to meet your needs to help yourself
And for this it is important to hear them, to become a good parent to yourself, to learn to ask for help and accept it. This can be done, for example, by gaining new experience of healthy relationships in the psychologist’s office and gradually integrating it into your life.
4. Get to know yourself
Yes, this may surprise you, but by focusing on something else, we go far away from ourselves, we cannot distinguish our desires from what our partner wants. And how can we help ourselves if we do not understand who we are? One of the best ways to find out is by dating yourself. How do they happen?
You need to prepare, appoint a time and place, as when meeting with a lover. Think about where you would like to go: to the cinema, for a walk, to a restaurant. It is important that these are not gatherings with friends, an evening in front of the phone screen, but a full-fledged living and being included in a date with yourself.
At first, the idea itself may seem wild, but over time, this practice allows you to get to know your wants and needs better, indulge yourself and, getting to know yourself, reduce the fear of loneliness.
5. Recognize that each partner is responsible for themselves and their lives
And stop thinking that we can change the life of another. To do this, it is at least important to accept that it is up to you whether you can satisfy your needs or not. As mentioned earlier, it is important to learn to ask for help and accept it, and also not to perceive refusals to help as a tragedy. It’s important to be able to say «no» when you don’t want something.
Surprisingly, when we walk this path, fears begin to recede and strength gradually appears.
This does not mean that it will not hurt and your life will immediately sparkle with all colors. It takes time to let go of a once so meaningful relationship. But you will return your life to yourself and the desires previously locked in a dungeon will be released.
After leaving a painful relationship, my clients often start the business they have been dreaming of for so long, become more relaxed and confident, begin to enjoy life, breathe deeply and are surprised that they can be fine with themselves.
I myself, being in a painful relationship, did not even imagine what opportunities life could give. Now I’m writing a book, running my co-dependent group, building a healthy relationship with my husband, quitting my job to live my own life. It turns out that everything is possible. You just need to want to help yourself and stop hoping that someone else will do it for you.