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Graduation from school is no less exciting event than a wedding or even the birth of a child. But sometimes parents forget that it is really important for children to hear in these moments. Family psychologist Inna Khamitova explains how to find the right words and support your adult child.
The word «graduation» sounds different to everyone. For one teenager, this is a symbolic tick in the life report card. For another, it is an opportunity to finally feel like an adult, free from the guardianship of elders. For someone — a chance to finally be yourself, throw off the annoying mask and be frank with former classmates.
Family psychologist Inna Khamitova believes that for fathers and mothers this is a good reason to leave the parent-child relationship and move to a new level — adult-adult. How not to slip into moralizing and help your teenager get the joy of this day?
Don’t «educate»
Remember that the «educational» conversation that drinking is harmful, and sex should be safe and only by mutual agreement, can cause resistance. Doubting the adequacy of the child, you let him know that you do not see him as an adult capable of being responsible for his actions.
Look at the situation realistically. If every time you gather with friends, you drink alcohol, and a teenager associates a holiday with it. A child has seen libations since childhood, and now telling him “baby, don’t you dare drink” is a double message.
How to speak constructively? Discuss the program of the evening, ask the child what they are going to do and with whom. Make it clear that it’s not important for you that your child «behaves» and «doesn’t get into trouble», but that he is in touch and not afraid to ask for help if necessary.
Understand your feelings
If you are worried, think: what are you afraid of? That a son or daughter will behave unexpectedly? Will they fall into the Moscow River? Climb on a crane? But after all, for the last 17 years you have invested something in the child, tried to become his friend, instilled your values. Is there any point in not trusting him now?
If until now you have not had contact, it is strange to think that now it will arise by itself. It is important to tell yourself: he is reasonable and, if not an adult, at least a growing person. And nothing bad can happen to him.
Support and be there
Think about the feelings of a teenager. Is he worried? Want to look good? Perhaps he needs to talk to someone, sort out the relationship? Tell me about how you felt on your prom night. What did you do, what did you talk about.
Help with a haircut, make a “bow” together and post it on Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia) — these little signs of attention will show that you understand the importance of the moment and are ready to share it with your child. Let him know that it doesn’t matter how he looks compared to the rest — it matters how he feels.
Talk about the future, talk about the past
Leaving school is a ritual. The child is freed from guardianship and is preparing to “flutter” into the big world. Talk to your teen about how they feel about it. Tell me how you felt. Find out what your teenager expects from a relationship with you, what kind of support he would like to receive. Tell him what you are grateful for, remember the joyful and funny moments from school life. Make it clear how happy his success was and worried when he was difficult.
Don’t forget about grades
It happens that a teenager did not pass exams very well and does not feel entitled to rejoice with everyone. But whatever the results of the exams, it is already in the past. This is not where life ends. It is important not to fixate on low scores, but to decide what to do next.
Failure happens to everyone — and in adulthood too. We can talk about it. We all sometimes have to show ourselves not the way we wanted. But the main thing is what conclusions we draw. You can grieve over a missed opportunity and deprive yourself of joys — or you can say to yourself: “Yes, this time it didn’t work out. Life goes on and that’s good.»
I would advise parents to prioritize and not to escalate the alarm. What do we want for our children? So that they are healthy and happy or live in eternal tension, afraid to disappoint us and become a laughingstock?
Celebrate yourself
Let your teenager know that his holiday is your holiday too. Those 11 years are over. You also have something to note. Take a break from worries and switch to joy.