Golden Autumn is an example of overcoming a psychotherapeutic attitude

Question

Dear (I have been 13 years old) Nikolai Ivanovich. Here’s my hopefully reasonable question.

I really need practical advice from an experienced psychologist, which you are. In short, the problem is that I’m used to bad things. Details: I came to this forum with a question to the counselor about an incomprehensible feeling. Together, we found out that this is the love and relationship with the father that was not received in childhood. I understand that our generation (I am 35 years old) is basically disliked in childhood — 10 days in the maternity hospital separately from my mother, feeding by the hour, sleeping alone, a nursery, a garden (Soviet!). As I approached adolescence, I began to clearly feel the dislike of my dad. Throughout my growing up, he showed his contempt for me in every possible way, convinced me that I was nothing of myself, all this in a gooey martinet manner (he is a military man). Mom was an emotional and unbalanced person — she could “press to the heart”, she could “send to hell”. I more or less began to understand them at the age of 18 — my father had a difficult life, he grew up without a dad, his mother was a strong-willed and harsh woman. My mother also had problems in the family, she ran away in marriage. And she lived all her life in marriage with a drinking husband, working 2-3 jobs, and they had three children. I always loved my mother, I hated my father for a while. Now, for 10 years, there is no hatred towards him at all. There is an understanding when it is difficult for him — I help. But my problems remain. I see such negative consequences: before marriage, I only had relationships with married men; she adjusted to her husband for a long time, overcame many of her complexes and wrong reactions (such as being offended, demanding, waiting for something), but the fact is that the husband is always dissatisfied; For some reason, I agree to a «hemorrhoid» job without hesitation, I work a lot, I earn little; I am sympathetic to people who make me feel bad. There are also achievements: I have two absolutely wonderful children, I manage my time myself (I work as an accountant at home), I have passions — I drive a car (and continue to study it seriously), master the piano (a childhood dream), following the child got on skates; my head works well, I can be a valuable worker if the authorities have the mind to direct me in the right direction. I don’t suffer from lack of communication either. But here is a characteristic feature — I can’t get rid of excess weight — as I understand it, the problem is psychological, it’s like protecting me from the dislike of others, and protecting others from my aggression. It dawned on me literally a day ago: after another attempt to bring my body back to normal, I injured my back, it was very painful. The doctor conjured over me, but it was impossible to immediately relieve the pain. I’m going home, and I have tears in a stream from pain, and suddenly the thought — why is there always suffering? I want good things, but it turns out that I suffer all the time — from pain, from overstrain at work, from lack of sleep, from my husband’s indifference, from lack of money, from a mismatch between my inner feeling of myself and my appearance. Yes, I’m just used to the bad! Therefore, I easily agree to it!

What options do I know? Love yourself. But how is it? The blocker is standing and I can not remove it. Enter into a love relationship on the side, so that someone would save me with their love? Firstly, you can “break wood”, and secondly, if I subconsciously do not believe that I can be loved, then who will love me?

I think that this is a common problem, especially among women, for sure you, Nikolai Ivanovich, have ready-made recommendations. Here is the question: how to solve this problem at the root — how to want and strive for good for yourself, and not for suffering, on a subconscious level? And the second: how to make up for the lack of self-love and believe that you can love me?

Your answer is very important to me and I will be grateful for any of your advice.

Sincerely, Golden Autumn.

Response

Autumn is golden and good, ready to help you when you start to turn on your head. Until I see it.

There is no demonstrative logic here, the construction is completely arbitrary. Then why do you understand that? why did you come up with this? To relieve yourself of responsibility for your lifestyle, when you eat more than you should and move less than you should?

Autumn is golden, but is there really logic in this set of words? Or if something seemed to you — well, enough to consider it as the truth, for another «enlightenment» and start thinking like that?

Just don’t tell me that you don’t know how to think at all: you have a head, and a good head. You write competently, state everything sensibly, you drive a car and play the piano: admiration and respect for you! Total: in fact, you are not a fool at all, you are efficient and you are smart.

I am familiar with this common problem among women — to confuse themselves with thoughts, that is, fears, and not do anything.

You see, Autumn, what an unfortunate victim you are, you can’t do anything and you can’t do anything. Indeed, if the blocker is standing (although no one has seen it), then is Autumn now able to do something? She can do nothing now but complain.

In addition to oohs and fears, what did you really do?

What goals did you set, what things did you plan for yourself to achieve them, how many times (or how many minutes) did you do something for this, what are the results?

Question

Nikolay Ivanovich, thank you for your answer and for the kind words.

To specific questions — specific answers (everything on the topic — love yourself).

Goals, what I did and results:

Slender figure: over the past 25 years, alternately periodically (if all diversity is taken for one thing, then almost regularly — with breaks for illness, injury, pregnancy, and just absolutely no time, because the baby and work at the same time) — dancing, jogging, all kinds of gymnastics , horseback riding, long walks at a fast pace (5 km to work and back), bicycle, skates, spinning a hoop, special water procedures. The result is a waist. Diets, all kinds of nutrition systems, long-term rejection of sweet, fatty, starchy foods and any unhealthy. The result — I learned not to overeat, eat only if I’m hungry and the food is really good, I eat really little sweet, fatty and starchy foods! Now 76 kg. For the last 9 years, everything has been around this figure — sometimes more (up to 92 kg), sometimes the same, less — no way. Up to a normal kind of another 16 kg.

Lifestyle: in order to raise children myself, feed them and my husband with homemade food, manage my time and not sit at work for 3 kopecks, go on vacation when I need to, and not according to the schedule — I left work, recruited companies, I serve them as clients. Result: there is always a fresh lunch at home, the children did not go to kindergarten, but go to music and sports schools, get enough sleep and are happy. The main thing is that no one bothers me (in the form of bosses — you work little! I pay a lot of money!). I do not sell my time — I sell the result — reports are submitted, taxes are acceptable — pay the bill, please. what does not suit you — in order to earn money for current expenses, you have to work very hard — often both nights and weekends; and also — I earn twice as much as my husband — the question is: why me and not him?

Moral qualities and personality development: 15 years ago I was a pronounced hysteroid, I respected yours, N.I. books, did something — I don’t remember what — somehow tracked, restrained, stopped. Then a psychologist came to the firm and conducted tests — it turned out that I was still the same hysteroid! I won’t say exactly what I did — I read a lot of all sorts of books, applied it, and life itself teaches. I remember exactly how I deliberately changed negative thoughts into positive ones. I read Sergey Lazarev. I realized that arrogance and contempt for people go off scale. Somehow I worked on it — I changed my thoughts. Absolutely, everything is much better now — I notice these feelings if they appear and change my thoughts. Of course, I remained a hysteroid, but I declare with responsibility: I no longer draw attention to myself, I am attentive to people, I like to ask questions and listen to people more; I depend much less on the attitude of others, more I choose with whom to communicate, and do not wait for who will choose me; I avoid superficiality in judgments — if I know little about something, I’d rather listen to others than pass it off as the tip of the iceberg of my knowledge.

A separate issue is self-esteem. From the age of 12, this interested me — I read, thought, observed, checked. Only now I began to understand what it means to feel it and how to behave with dignity.

Regarding “it seemed”: I trust such insights of mine, because they turn out to be true. It is like the answer of the Universe to the question you ask it. I wonder, I catch sensations on this topic, I think it over, and after a while a new thought comes, from a different angle of view! It’s like solving a mathematical problem — you twist it, you twist it, you try all sorts of approaches, then once — that’s it! I know that I can think, and thoughts do not just come to mind, they all have a prehistory and some kind of path.

Even after talking on this forum, I made a list of affirmations (I think that’s what it’s called) and I read it every day several times. but that’s only a week.

About the blocker.

10 years ago, a very good woman removed the damage from me (not for money — I just made her a symbolic present) (by the way, the egg really went rotten during this procedure). After her departure, the rest of the day I was in such a state in which I would always like to be — there was a feeling of complete harmony with the Universe, I felt calm and strong, that everything was as it should be, as if I myself were the Universe. It was not euphoria — I am also familiar with this feeling — I was not excited, but on the contrary, calm, cheerful and powerful in a good way. I understood what it means to have no «blockers» in my head. Now they are definitely there, I can feel them.

My appeal looks like a complaint. I complain about things I can’t handle myself. I myself was able to turn from a dull, naive, unable to behave and communicate with people, a shy, fearful, indecisive girl into a cheerful, sociable, attractive in many respects, a determined woman who commands both respect and sometimes admiration, and often a desire to be friends. and communicate. Now I can calmly and with mutual pleasure communicate with beautiful and interesting people, but before I fell into a stupor, like an ugly duckling in front of a swan. But the fact is, I don’t love and I’m not loved. And I think the main reason is a subconscious disbelief in the possibility of mutual love. It is driven into my head that I am «no one and nothing.» What exactly needs to be done to change this? I will do it.

With respect and interest, Autumn is golden.

Qualification

Refinement.

Nikolai Ivanovich, don’t misunderstand me. If there is no love, and there is no way without it, then it will be found. But if I subconsciously choose a relationship that brings suffering, then I will again run into “dislike”. I am no longer free, many may suffer from my wrong choice. Therefore, the blocker must be removed. Then everything will fall into place (most likely).

Response

Autumn, you puzzled me. If you ask me how you can lose 16 kg, if you do everything that depends on you, then this is not for psychologists, but for doctors. A psychologist can help if you do not do everything that depends on you: but you write how smart you are, right? Or are you still missing something?

As for the lifestyle — what is the question? Because you’re underpaid? What is the husband’s salary? Refine your request.

Moral qualities — respect and admiration for you, you are well done, be proud of yourself. It’s all right here, right?

Regarding your regular communication with the Universe, I think that after all this is not for psychologists. Psychologists do not know such phenomena.

As for the removal of damage — especially not to me.

If you want to start loving someone or something, raise the question about it, but then everything from the beginning: is the goal exactly the same, what have you already done for this, what are you planning, and so on.

Question

Thank you for your reply, Nikolay Ivanovich.

Perhaps a lot of text on my part.

I write how smart I am, so that it would be clear that I am ready for action.

Regarding the removal of damage, I did not contact you, as well as about getting rid of extra pounds.

Detailed descriptions are given for the sake of completeness, so that an image close to reality would be formed — I am not an unfortunate victim who, shedding tears and stuffing a pie into her mouth, yells “help me lose weight and in general, no one loves me! a-a-a-a!» I can act decisively and systematically. I hasten to assure you that I have an active life position, but there are unresolved problems that need to be resolved. She said about excess weight, because she considered it a characteristic detail when describing her problem, I need to understand what is inside me, if it is outside. In fact, measures are being taken, I am a stubborn person (as for doctors, I am absolutely healthy).

In my opinion, my question was lost behind my attempt to describe the whole picture.

We have: throughout my life I choose men who do not love me, who are inclined to cause suffering (and not only to me). Reason: I see it in my relationship with my father (described in previous letters). Question: if a person was disliked in childhood and accustomed to a bad attitude from a loved one, how can you fill in your soul the missing love for yourself and teach your subconscious mind to choose a good attitude towards yourself and adequately perceive it.

What did you do to solve the problem:

— nurtured self-esteem;

— got rid of the notorious «inferiority complex»;

— tamed her hysteria;

— I learned to love and respect people not because they love me, but because they are worthy of love and respect;

— I develop different facets of my personality — friendship, communication, profession, family, hobbies, music, sports;

— I made a list of phrases for self-hypnosis and every day I re-read it many times with feeling.

While I was compiling this message, the thought came that for some time all the actions and all the phrases of those around me in relation to me should be analyzed for the presence of manifestations of a good or bad attitude towards me in them — to collect statistics, and then somehow change a situation with a bad attitude towards oneself — to force oneself to be respected (I am not talking about fair criticism, although it can be presented in different ways and demonstrate both a good and a bad attitude of the critic towards the personality of the criticized). But here, as it were, the story with the jack did not work out (until I got to the car service, I wound myself up so much that instead of “hello”, I gave out “yes, choke on your jack!”)

Nikolai Ivanovich, I am determined. What exactly can be done?

With gratitude for communication, Golden Autumn.

Response

Autumn, I thought about you all the time, but put off the answer: it’s not easy for you to answer, and there are a lot of things that I really want to do …

So.

FIRSTTD Question: if a person was disliked in childhood and accustomed to a bad attitude from a loved one, how can you fill in your soul the missing love for yourself and teach your subconscious mind to choose a good attitude towards yourself and adequately perceive it.

Answer: all nonsense.

There is no scientific evidence that love or not love in childhood FATALLY determines the behavior of an adult. On the contrary, research suggests that the relationship between today’s behavior and childhood events is very weak.

Further. If you expect that your subconscious mind should do everything for you, and you will not do anything and just enjoy life and the good work of your wise subconscious mind — no, dear, such a freebie is not provided for in any psyche.

To adequately perceive the attitude of different people towards you and a person close to you is your business, and not the business of your subconscious.

Don’t look for freebies. Take responsibility for your life and your behavior in your own hands.

And now constructive.

If you have been taught to be treated poorly by a loved one, then this is just a habit. And a habit changes simply and stupidly, like any habit: you think over a new behavior and methodically accustom yourself to it.

Are you ready to do it? In detail, in vivid and accurate pictures, imagine how people (a close person) can and should treat you, how and what they say, how do you answer them? Think about which appeal you respond positively to — with a warm smile, like the Queen, and which one — negatively, although also with a warm smile and just like the Queen.

Think over the level, because it can neither be underestimated nor overestimated. If suddenly you decide that everyone should smile joyfully at the sight of you and express their love to you — well, you understand, this simply will not happen. And not because you are accustomed to a bad attitude towards you, but because — and does a loved one have a motive, an interest in treating you this way?

And secondly, think about how you can learn to control the behavior of others so that they gradually learn to treat you better. With whom you can talk openly, reasonably and kindly — talk like that. With whom it is useless to talk — it is easier to use Ericksonian hypnosis or start training. Both of those are fun.

Smile more!