“Forbidden Pleasures”: Doing things you weren’t allowed to do as a child

I walked down the street and carried a pie. Delicious, warm, freshly bought from a mini-bakery on the way home. And as soon as I brought it to my mouth, my grandmother’s voice arose in my head: “Don’t bite! Don’t eat on the go!”

Each of us has our own little joys – guilty pleasures, as they are called in the English-speaking world. There is something psychologically accurate in this expression – more accurate than even “forbidden” or “secret” joys. Perhaps “innocent” in Russian is closer, but the “not” particle radically changes the meaning. The whole charm is just, it seems, in this very feeling of guilt. Guilt is translated from English as “wine”. These are pleasures for which we feel guilty. Where does it come from?

Of course, this is the forbidden fruit. Forbidden and sweet. Many of us were given limits and rules as children. Violating them, we naturally felt guilty – for possible, as it seemed to us, negative consequences for ourselves or others – “grandmother will be upset if you do not eat the dinner she cooked”, “eating on the go is bad for digestion.” Sometimes we felt a sense of shame – if the violation had witnesses, especially those who set the ban on us.

In 1909, the Hungarian psychoanalyst Sandor Ferenczi coined the term “introjection”. So he called the unconscious process, as a result of which we take on faith in childhood, include in our inner world “introjects” – beliefs, views, rules or attitudes received from others: society, teachers, family.

This may be necessary in order for the child to comply with safety rules, norms of behavior in society and the laws of his country. But some introjects relate to everyday activities or habits. And, growing up, we can rethink them, discarding or appropriating already consciously. For example, when we care about healthy eating, mom’s “eat soup” and “do not abuse sweets” can become our own choice.

For many people, introjects remain inside, influencing behavior. Someone just continues subconsciously to fight with them, “getting stuck” in a teenage protest. And someone, not allowing himself to violate the prohibitions, fiercely condemns others for their freedom of action.

Sometimes, in the process of rethinking, parental or teacher logic can be rejected, and then we destroy the introject, “spitting out” a prohibition that does not suit us.

Here is what social media users write about their guilty pleasures:

• “I dance to music with headphones on as I walk down the street.”
• “I can make a salad out of just tomatoes! It turns out that cucumbers are optional!”
• “I eat jam straight from the jar, without transferring it to a vase. From the point of view of the grandmother, this is a sin!”
• “I can do something in the evening: go to the store at eight, start cooking soup at eleven. The family believed that everything should be done in the morning – the sooner the better. Sometimes it made sense. For example, in the store, of course, by the evening it was empty – they “threw out” something worthwhile in the morning. But then the rational basis was forgotten, and the routine remained: in the morning you can’t read, watch a movie, wallow, drink coffee for a long time … ”
• “I dip pancakes directly into a jar of sour cream while cooking.”
• “Grown up – and I can clean up when I feel like it, and not necessarily on Saturday morning.”
• “I drink condensed cocoa straight from the can! You make two holes – and voila, the nectar is pouring!
• “I don’t “stretch” delicacies like parmesan or jamon for a long time, I eat it right away.”
• “Going out to the store or with dogs in sweatpants. Parents would be shocked.”
• “When I want to do a general cleaning or wash windows, I invite a cleaning service: it’s just a pity to waste your time on this. I can spend the whole day with a book on the weekend, if I so desire, and not do any business.
• “I walk around the house naked (sometimes I play the guitar like that).”

It turns out that in different families the attitudes could be diametrically opposed:

• “I started wearing skirts and makeup!”
• “As a child, I was not allowed to walk around in jeans and pants, because #you are a girl. Needless to say, in my adult life I wear skirts and dresses at best once or twice a year.

Interestingly, the most popular comments include “I don’t iron,” “I clean when I want, or I don’t clean for a long time,” and “I don’t make my bed.” Perhaps in our childhood these parental demands were repeated especially often.

• “I killed half of my childhood for this! When I remember the mountain of linen that I had to iron, I will shudder so!”
• “I didn’t make shelves and open cabinets in my own house so as not to wipe the dust there, picking up every item.”

The prohibitions that we recognize as justified are interesting, but we still deliberately violate them, deriving special pleasure from this:

• “When I go to a decent place to watch some intellectual movie, I always put a flask of Riga Balsam and a bag of chocolates or nuts in my bag. And I rustle with candy wrappers.
• “I wipe the floor with my toe after spilling sweet tea. A dubious, true, joy is stepping on a sticky floor.
• “I fry dumplings without a lid on a just washed stove.”
• “I don’t save electricity. The light is on throughout the apartment.
• “I don’t transfer food from pots and pans to containers, but just put it in the refrigerator. I have enough space, unlike my mother.

The rejection of prohibitions can also be projected onto the upbringing of children:

• “The main breaking stereotypes occur at the time of the appearance of children. You allow them what your parents did not allow you and yourself: feed when you want, sleep together, do not iron clothes (and even more so from both sides), wallow in the street in the mud, do not wear slippers, do not wear a hat in any weather. .
• “I let my son paint the wallpaper however he wanted. Everyone is happy.”

And sometimes it is during the educational process that we remember parental attitudes, recognize their expediency and pass them on to our children:

• “When you become a parent yourself, all these restrictions come back, because you have to set an example. And wear a hat, and sweets – only after eating.
• “With the advent of children, many restrictions immediately become meaningful. Well, in general, it’s stupid to go without a hat when it’s cold, and not wash your hands before eating. ”

Some pleasures simply violate certain common traditions:

• “I have one guilty pleasure, which, however, no one forbade me. I myself learned about it a few years ago from the American TV series. The pleasure lies in the fact that for dinner you eat … breakfast. Cereal with milk, toast with jam and other pleasures. It sounds crazy, but those for whom breakfast is their favorite meal should appreciate it.”

“Guilty pleasures can bring more spontaneity into our lives”

Elena Chernyaeva — psychologist, narrative practitioner

Feelings of guilt can be roughly divided into two types – healthy and unhealthy, toxic. We may feel healthy guilt when we have done something inappropriate or harmful. This kind of guilt tells us, “You made a mistake. Do something about it.” It helps us recognize our wrong actions, prompts us to repent and correct the harm done.

Toxic guilt is a feeling associated with a set of certain rules, shoulds that arose from parental, cultural or social expectations. Most often we assimilate them in childhood, we do not always realize, we do not subject them to critical evaluation, we do not examine how they correspond to the circumstances of our life.

Guilt does not arise by itself – we learn to feel it at an early age, including when we are criticized, scolded for what we do wrong from the point of view of adults: parents, grandparents, educators, teachers.

Experiencing toxic guilt is facilitated by the voice of the “inner critic”, which tells us that we are doing something wrong, do not comply with a set of rules and shoulds. This voice repeats words and phrases that we once heard from other people, most often adults.

The inner critic is constantly evaluating our words, actions and even emotions, comparing us with a fictional and hardly achievable ideal. And since we do not reach it: we do not speak, do not act, and do not feel “as it should be,” the critic will always have endless reasons to reproach us.

Therefore, it is worth being attentive to feelings of guilt. Having felt it, it is important to tell ourselves “stop” and study what is happening in our minds and what the voice of the critic is saying. It is worth asking yourself how objective this voice is, and what kind of duty or rule is behind the feeling of guilt. Are these rules, the expectations by which we are judged by the inner critic, outdated? Perhaps by now we have already formed new ideas about how to act.

And, of course, it is important to determine the consequences of applying the rule in a particular situation. What are its short and long term implications for us and the other people involved? Does this rule make sense, given who it will harm and help? One can ask oneself whether it is suitable for us today, whether it helps us to satisfy our most important needs.

When we realize what and how influences our behavior, it becomes possible to make our own choice, in accordance with our preferences and values. As a result, we may experience a sense of greater freedom and the ability to influence our lives. Therefore, guilty pleasures can bring more joy and spontaneity into our lives and be steps towards the life that we design ourselves, rejecting what is outdated and does not benefit us, taking away what was reasonable in our past, and bringing what -something new.

***

I grew up a long time ago, and the well-meaning restrictions that were put into my head still ring in my memory. And I, already an adult, can make a conscious choice: be patient and bring the pie home to eat it with homemade (grandmother, you would be proud of me!) Borscht, or destroy it right on the go, getting great pleasure, enhanced by the same childish sense of the forbidden fetus. A feeling that, as you know, is sometimes the best seasoning for small joys.