“What are you, it’s cute!” But persuasion does not help: even if we do not panic because our face is flooded with color, we are seized by awkwardness and shame. What do these feelings say? And how to stop blushing because we blush?
I stand in front of a dozen pairs of eyes fixed on me. The pause has been going on for over a minute. I had to say something – but all the words disappeared somewhere. My cheeks are burning, I’m hot, but I still resist and try to take a deep breath – it’s useless. His chest constricts, some wheezing wheezing flies out of his throat. Someone smiles, someone delicately looks away. Most of all, I want to immediately fall through the ground …
Under the influence of strong emotions – anger, shame, joy, surprise, curiosity – everyone blushes, some more, some less. In people with dark skin, this is not so noticeable, however, they also feel how their face is burning. Some lucky people do not attach any importance to this, but for others, like for me, an unsolicited blush becomes an almost insoluble problem.
We blushed when we were called to the blackboard at school, we blush even now when they stare at us or turn to us with a question. And also when the conversation turns to love or something intimate. Everything that in any way affects us personally, throws us into a fever! We are just getting ready to enter into a conversation – and it’s already scary: “Suddenly I again …” We are embarrassed and try to overcome our natural inclination, but nothing comes of it: the feeling of shame and helplessness only intensifies. And then we give up our ambitions, we begin to avoid public speaking and friendly companies, we may have difficulties at work and in relationships with the opposite sex … But blushing is completely natural!
natural mechanism
“We blush at the moment when our capillaries, small blood vessels, expand,” says biologist and psychotherapist Yakov Kochetkov. “This physiological response helps the body quickly lower skin temperature. It happens to different people at different speeds and intensities. When we are hot, the vessels expand, giving off heat – that’s why we blush in the heat. When it’s cold, the blood vessels constrict and we turn pale. However, after some time, the skin can freeze, and we have a compensatory expansion – this is how we blush in the cold.
Some people tend to blush more than others. It depends on their temperament, physique, skin features. This usually manifests itself in those parts of it that are not covered by clothing and are in direct contact with the environment – face, ears, neck, décolleté. This feature is more pronounced in those who have a dense network of capillaries from birth.
Even thinking about how another person perceives us can provoke anxiety.
But we blush not only because of the weather, we blush and when, for example, a passer-by is looking at us attentively or someone is giving us a compliment. Why is this happening? “Expansion and narrowing of blood vessels is regulated by the sympathetic nervous system,” explains Yakov Kochetkov. – It reacts to stress (weather, physical activity, other people’s interest in us) and acts independently of our will, bringing the body into a state of “combat readiness”: the heart rate quickens, adrenaline is released, muscles tense up. The parasympathetic nervous system is connected with it – on the contrary, it reduces the protective tension, and the body relaxes.
“I” and “they”
Animals don’t blush, only people blush. And only when we find ourselves among other people: babies do not blush, rarely – older people, more often than others – teenagers. But no one blushes alone with himself. It happens when we suddenly become aware that we are being seen. Even thinking about how another person perceives us can provoke an excitement that has come up – and we are unable to cope with it. It is not known where the feeling of shame arises, as if our weakness, our shortcomings were put on display.
“At such moments, the image of a self-confident, self-possessed person, to which we are accustomed to resorting in communication, in professional and sometimes even personal life, suddenly cracks,” explains psychologist Maria Andrianova. We feel like the other person knows more about us than we do ourselves. There is a painful feeling of insecurity from someone else’s gaze and a fear of losing control. We feel pathetic, ridiculous, and we feel clearly inconsistent with how we would like to look.
Psychoanalyst Marie-Madeleine Lessana reflects: “To be successful, we must look confident. To do this, we often put on impenetrable armor. But this armor is cut out of cardboard, it does not correspond to our true personality – sensitive and diverse. It is in this inner space that the blush of shame is born – we blush from internal inconsistency, from self-doubt. We do not know what to do with ourselves, we would like to fall through the ground, and our desire to evaporate finds a physical embodiment. Some of my patients are so afraid of blushing that they prefer not to leave the house.”
“Criticism, compliments, an attentive look or a smile are all signs that tell us how other people perceive us, treat us,” says Maria Andrianova. – But sometimes we are mistaken and can “read” a sincere smile as a grin. Or take personally something that has nothing to do with us: a colleague frowns because he has a headache, and it seems to us that he condemns us. The more anxious, insecure we feel, the greater the likelihood of such mistakes. Under their influence, there may be a fear of communication, to which experts include the obsessive fear of blushing – erythrophobia.
How do we blush
Even Charles Darwin drew attention to the fact that representatives of some races who wear few clothes blush not only the face, but also other parts of the body. He explained this by the fact that open areas of the skin are more exposed to the movement of air, the sun and temperature changes. Blood vessels there are constantly narrowing and expanding and due to this they develop more than in other parts of the body.1. So we are lucky: we only blush in the face, and the Malays can blush up to the waist.
At will
To make us erythrophobes blush, it is enough to mention this property of ours. “Are you still blushing?” a colleague asks me when he finds out that I am writing this material, and it’s ready: my cheeks and forehead are on fire. But there is also good news. If the natural tendency to blush cannot be reversed, then erythrophobia can be reduced by reducing suffering to mild discomfort. And learn to live with it…or in spite of it. “And for this you need to allow yourself to blush!” insists Maria Andrianova.
Psychologists teach patients not to avoid disturbing situations. For this, a system of gradual immersion in them has been developed, from simple to more complex. During group cognitive behavioral therapy, we may be asked to start by talking to a neighbor, for example, about the weather. Of course we blush. But still, following the instructions, we will continue the conversation – and make sure that nothing terrible has happened. We have not fallen through the ground, and the neighbor is still answering our questions. And so several times until the situation becomes familiar.
Then you can move on to more exciting stories. I have to speak publicly. “Watch how you blush,” suggests Yakov Kochetkov, “and you will notice that the excitement does not grow indefinitely. After a while, it starts to subside on its own. This means that you can endure it – and continue to make a report (or talk to a girl). And if at the same time you say to yourself: “I am blushing,” the paint of excitement will disappear even faster.
Body work
The fear that we experience at such moments manifests itself in our body: we feel constrained, our breathing is constrained, some muscles are tense, others are completely relaxed. We lose control, the body does not obey. Maria Andrianova advises: “Feeling a growing tension, lower your shoulders, relax as much as possible, push your stomach forward a little and exhale. Hold your breath for a while, inhale as calmly as possible and exhale again for a count of five. Take a few of these calm breaths and long exhalations, relaxing the body. You will feel that the heart will beat more calmly, blood circulation will slow down, the vessels will narrow, and this will reduce blood flow.
This is an advantage!
And if we are not indifferent to the person next to whom we blush? Then the fear doubles, especially if we try to hide our feeling. “The unconscious is in a hurry to demonstrate our interest as brightly as possible, painting our cheeks in all the shades of the dawn,” explains the psychoanalyst. What we so wanted to hide, suddenly turns out to be in plain sight. Our very desire to hide our feelings becomes apparent. It hurts our pride, destroys the image of ourselves. 30-year-old Sergey complains: “A man should be restrained, in control of himself. When I blush, I look like a weakling, a sensitive young lady.
One of the common beliefs: others think badly about a blushing person, consider him a loser, treat him badly. “This is not so,” Yakov Kochetkov is sure. “When I ask patients who are embarrassed by their tendency to blush if anyone has stopped communicating with them because of this, condemned or sneered, it turns out that this has never happened to anyone.” On the contrary, an undisguised blush that appears on our face can interest, touch, charm …
So, British psychologists have proven that such people evoke sympathy and affection from others, they are more likely to forgive mistakes and awkwardness than to someone who apologizes or expresses his awkwardness and shame in any other way.2. And if we are told: “Blushing is so sweet, so touching,” this is completely sincere. We are nice to the interlocutor!
1 C. Darwin “On the Expression of Emotions in Man and Animals.” Peter, 2001.
2 R. Miller, D. Fahey «Blushing as an appeasement gesture: Felt, displayed, and observed embarrassment». Journal of Nonverbal Behavior. 1999, vol. 23, № 3.