Father’s Day: a gift for the step-parent?

Children of separated parents may regularly see, or even live with, their mother’s new partner. No wonder then that with the approach of Father’s Day, they express the wish to also offer him a gift. How to react and is it really advisable? Advice from Marie-Laure Vallejo, child psychiatrist.

In the social codes that circulate, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are symbolic. They are for real parents. So of course, when the father-in-law performs a paternal function, when the father is absent, it is quite normal for the child to offer him a gift. However, in other cases, even if the step-parent is involved in the child’s life, it is important to reserve this day for the father.

Parents: Sometimes it’s the mother who asks her child to give a gift to her partner …

M.-L. V. : “It is quite inadequate and suspect to ask the child to offer something to his stepfather. Here it is more the mother who gives her companion a place that is not hers. This desire must come exclusively from the child. And he will only appear if the latter feels good with his stepfather. “

What do you think of the equation: a big gift for dad and a small symbolic gesture for the step-parent?

M.-L. V. “I don’t really see the point. The father might feel in a rivalry with his ex-girlfriend’s partner. The child can give a gift to the step-parent the remaining 364 days of the year if he wishes, but keep these special days for his father and mother. In fact, the more the parent is external to the child’s life, the further he is or feels, the more he will be sensitive to social codes. “

At the same time, a step-parent who is committed to the child may feel aggrieved if no attention is paid to him that day?

M.-L. V. : “On the contrary, the more the stepfather is involved in his life, the better he will understand that it is necessary to leave this precise day to the parent so as not to overshadow him or hurt him. The stepfather is also often a dad himself. He will therefore receive gifts from his own children. Finally, it all depends on the relationships that adults have. If the father-in-law and the father get along well, the latter will perfectly accept his child’s approach. “

The step-parent may feel uncomfortable receiving a gift from their partner’s child. How should he react?

M.-L. V. : “It’s always touching to receive a gift from a child, and you obviously have to accept it and thank it. However, it is important to explain to your son-in-law or daughter-in-law, “I’m not your daddy”. Indeed, at no time should you take the place of the other. All the more so when it is a symbolic day, recognized by social codes. “

The father may also take a dim view that the step-parent has a gift at the same time as him. What advice would you give them?

M.-L. V. : “We only have one father and one mother, the child knows that, so don’t worry. But it can also give the parent pause. This status gives it rights but also duties. Such a situation can therefore lead them to wonder if they are investing enough in the life of their offspring … In any case, it is essential not to compete, to compare and keep in mind that the most important is the well-being of the child. “