Emotional intelligence: how to learn to understand your own and others’ emotions

Emotional intelligence is twice as important as hard skills and IQ for career success. Together with Doctor of Psychology Viktoria Shimanskaya, we tell you where emotions come from, how to manage them and better understand other people

What is emotional intelligence and why is it important

Emotional Intelligence (Emotional Quotient) is the ability to recognize emotions, intentions, motivation, desires of oneself and other people and manage it. The skill helps to solve practical problems and achieve goals in life and at work. People with developed emotional intelligence are able to negotiate with other people, make decisions and respond correctly to negative situations.

Through emotions we react to events, words and circumstances. If they are not understood, what is happening will be distorted. For example, at work they made a remark to you, and you began to argue and conflict. As a result, this will lead to neurosis, apathy and other depressive states. At the same time, depression does not go away quickly: in 15–39% of people, it lasts more than a year.

A person with developed emotional intelligence responds to causes, not actions or emotions. This helps him to perceive criticism correctly, understand other people and respond to them with an adequate reaction.

The concept of emotional intelligence became popular after the publication of the book of the same name by science journalist Daniel Goleman in 1995. According to According to Goleman’s research, people with developed emotional intelligence have better mental health, work efficiency and leadership skills. At the same time, 67% of leadership abilities fall on emotional intelligence. It is more important than technical knowledge and IQ twice.

This is confirmed by a study by Egon Zehnder. They analyzed 515 senior executives and found that people with developed emotional intelligence are more likely to succeed. The Carnegie Institute of Technology reported that 85% of our financial success comes from emotional intelligence, leadership, and communication skills. Only 15% depend on technical knowledge. Soft human skills, closely related to emotional intelligence, are the most important skills in the present and the future.

How Emotional Intelligence Works

Let’s analyze the model that was presented by the EQ-factor laboratory under the leadership of Nicolas Koro and Victoria Shimanskaya in 2014. It clearly shows the coefficients that form the intellectual-emotional profile of a person – IEPP.

Emotional intelligence does not exist apart from intelligence, it is not its opposite. Emotional intelligence EQ and mental intelligence IQ cannot be separated from each other. Moreover, if EQ is not developed, a person will not have a high IQ.

To develop emotional intelligence, you need to focus on four drivers: awareness, self-esteem, motivation, and adaptability. The development of each of the drivers forms the development of the corresponding emotional-intellectual strategy.

Emotional intelligence is the base of the pyramid of personality. The larger the volume of this pyramid, the more opportunities and influence a person can have on his life, the lives of other people and the world as a whole.

All four profiles are equally promising. To build an effective life strategy, you need to understand your strong drivers and pay attention to the weak ones. In conjunction with the IQ intelligence vector, emotional intelligence forms the life strategy of the “Creators”. It helps to realize the potential of a person and achieve the highest level of self-realization.

How to develop emotional intelligence

Honesty and the correct assessment of one’s behavior are key factors for the development of EQ, says Victoria Shimanskaya, a doctor of psychology and an expert in the development of emotional intelligence.

Honesty. To test your honesty, do a simple exercise – write down on paper three personality traits that you do not like about yourself. For example, “I wake up late”, “I’m lazy”, and “I get easily irritated”. According to the first principle of the concept of emotional intelligence, there is a positive intention in every action we take. Think about why you wake up late and what is the positive intention behind this action. For example, because you get very tired at work and worry about a new project.

Behavior evaluation. It is difficult to answer the question why we behave this way in a particular situation. But an honest answer gives a reaction on three levels: meaning, body and emotions – this is the second paradigm in the concept of emotional intelligence. If you change the reaction at one of these levels, the rest will change. For example, you are doing a good job, but you realized that customers do not return again because you do not know how to communicate with them. Because of this, you are annoyed, but the awareness of this thing will give a state of insight at the level of meaning. At the level of the body, there will be relaxation and a feeling, “as if a mountain has fallen from the shoulders.” At the level of emotions, it will become easier. You have found the true cause of anger and irritation, although it is difficult to admit.

Emotional Intelligence Development Tools

There are four components to the development of emotional intelligence. Self-awareness and self-control help you work with yourself, while social competence and relationship management help you build strong relationships with others.

• Mindfulness

Emotional intelligence should begin with awareness of what is happening to you. You need to learn to separate yourself and emotions, to present them as a separate phenomenon and look at it from the side. Emotions are your reaction to what is happening around you. They change with changes in external circumstances, so remember: you ≠ your emotions. The ability to separate emotion from yourself will help you assess the situation, make a decision and respond correctly.

For example, on the edge of a cliff, you realize that you are afraid and move away. In this case, fear will save your life. But in negotiations with an important client, he will interfere with collecting thoughts and focusing on the result. Realizing this, you need to push the fear aside and move on.

Mark Williams and Danny Penman define emotions in their book Mindfulness: “They are clusters of thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and impulses. All the elements interact with each other and can enhance or dampen the overall mood.”

Any emotion can be accepted or rejected. At the same time, emotions cannot be suppressed. This will lead to neurosis and dissatisfaction with life.

Practice: draw a scale from 0 to 10 on paper. Mark the level of fear on it, for example, 7 bars. Now increase the level to 9, and then decrease to 5. Try to understand your feelings and experience the emotion. Reduce your fear by another 2 or 3 bars, and get down to business that you were afraid of. This is the essence of emotion management.

• Self-control

If you are aware and able to separate emotion from yourself, you will be able to control and correctly express it. This skill is especially important for leaders. To control an emotion, it must be expressed and spoken out loud.

Practice: learn to speak the language of emotions. Use a three-part phrase:

For example, I am frustrated and angry because I did not have time to prepare a presentation for a new client. I would like us to do it together, because the client is important for the company. Formulate several negative and positive emotions according to this formula.

Learning to express feelings will help methods of non-violent communication. Practice, over time it will become a habit. You will change your speech and reaction to many events.

• social competence

Social competence helps to see the essence and cause of what is happening and not get involved in emotional battles. Make smarter and more informed decisions. To do this, you need to learn to understand what is behind the behavior of another person. This way you will prevent 90% of conflicts.

Your own or another person’s reaction can be decomposed into meaning, action and intention. This will help to correctly interpret emotions and respond to them.

Your own or another person’s reaction can be decomposed into meaning, action and intention. This will help to correctly interpret emotions and respond to them.

In dealing with people, react not to actions and words, but to the intentions and reasons that lie behind them. Any reaction and behavior can be decomposed into three components:

Practice: remember a few conflict situations and try to decompose them according to this formula. Find positive intentions in your meanings and actions.

• Relationship Management

The Emotion Quadrant will help you identify your emotional state, use it, or change it. This is a coordinate system from 0 to 10 on each axis. Below are the level of mood and pleasure – gray and green squares. Above are the level of energy and physical well-being – orange and yellow squares.

The Emotion Quadrant helps you determine which emotional state is predominant in you or your employees in order to direct energy and mood for good.

The Emotion Quadrant helps you determine which emotional state is predominant in you or your employees in order to direct energy and mood for good.

How it works. For example, you didn’t make a presentation for a new client and you are worried because of this. Rate the level of mood at 3 points. At the same time, you still have a lot of strength, so the energy level will be 7 points. So you get into the red square “I’m worried.” In this state, it is better to do active work that does not require an emotional mood: tidy up the house, take out the trash, cook food.

In the green square you have a good mood, but little energy. In this case, learn new things: immerse yourself in a project or task, collect information. Do things that don’t require physical activity.

In the yellow square, mood and energy are at their maximum. This is a good opportunity for brainstorming. Come up with new ideas and projects, mix formats and look for other solutions to common problems.

There is little energy and no mood in the blue square. Here you should look for errors and shortcomings. Figure out how you can improve your daily routine and see what else you can work on.

The Emotion Quadrant will help direct free resources to the right tasks. You will be able to correctly prioritize and give clear orders to employees.

How to determine the level of development of emotional intelligence?

The author of the book “Emotional Intelligence in Practice” Justin Bariso identifies 13 criteria for a developed EQ:

Victoria Shimanskaya adds one universal, but subjective criterion – the degree of satisfaction with one’s own life. In EQ, your own feeling is more important than a measure of skill development. If you can’t ask for a raise for several years or get terribly angry when you clean your apartment, take a closer look at working with your emotions.

The hardest part about developing emotional intelligence is getting started. It is not clear at what point there is an experience that allows you to further develop your EQ skills. Begin to carefully listen to yourself and catch the emotion: name, realize, reflect, listen to your feelings. Without this exercise, no books will get you closer to feeling happy, overcoming fears, curbing anger, and other tasks that we want to solve with the help of emotion management.

Emotional intelligence lives at the intersection of meanings and the body. Only by linking knowledge with physical sensations, you can turn it on and adjust your emotional apparatus. This means that our path is to work out the connection between the body and consciousness. To do – to fix, to feel – to comprehend.