We often contrast the desire for spiritual development with the materialistic desire for a successful career and a good income. But it’s not necessary to do this at all, says Elizaveta Babanova, a female psychologist and author of the bestseller “To Zen in Stiletto Heels”.
Psychologies: Elizabeth, how difficult was it to “get out of your comfort zone” and share your inner world with such frankness?
Elizabeth Babanova: I am a fairly open person, my stories of mistakes are archetypal. Almost every woman who picks up my book will recognize herself in one of the stories, and perhaps in many at once. No matter how pathetic it may sound, but this is part of my mission — to convey to women that they have the right to make mistakes.
Recently, at a women’s meeting, several people said that they were afraid to look deep into themselves. Why do you think?
Once you meet yourself, you have to do something about it. It seems to us that if we do not go where there is something new, unknown, then we remain safe. This is the very illusion, because of which we do not see our true desires and pain, which needs to be transformed.
It seems to me that your programs and book are such a course of conscious maturation. What do you think prevents people from learning from the mistakes of others?
Most likely, the lack of authority. In areas where I had absolute authority, I made far fewer mistakes.
I expected that after the church, prayer, trainings, reiki, holotropic breathing, I would definitely hear the answers. But nothing came
How would you describe your reader? What is she?
I will answer with an excerpt from the epilogue: “My ideal reader is a woman like me. Ambitious and soulful. Confident in its exclusivity and daring. At the same time, she constantly doubts herself. Therefore, I wrote it for someone who wants to realize a big dream, overcome complexes, show their talents and do something for this world, meet their love and create a fabulous relationship.
In your journey, the starting point was the departure from the Russian hinterland to the United States. There you got an education, worked in a prestigious financial corporation, achieved everything you dreamed of. But at some point there was a feeling of dissatisfaction and a desire for change. Why?
I felt a black gaping hole inside. And it could not be filled with the life that I lived, working in an investment company.
The accident that happened when you were 27 years old — is it only such tough events that can push for change?
We rarely change out of a desire to be the best. Most often, we begin to grow as a person, as a soul, or we change our body, because it’s “hot”. Then life shows that we are at the threshold of a strong transformation. True, it seems to us that after the shock we will immediately understand everything. Just as Neil Donald Walsh wrote the book Conversations with God, simply writing down what was transmitted to him from above, so I expected that after church, prayer, trainings, reiki, holotropic breathing and other things, I would definitely hear the answers. But nothing came.
What allowed you to still go forward and believe that everything will be fine?
When I told myself that I was responsible for creating my own reality, I wrote down one of the new rules. I stopped believing in something that should happen to me, I just decided — I will find my way, in the future my spiritual master, my beloved man, my favorite business, people to whom I will bring value are waiting for me. It all happened. I always recommend not to believe, but to decide and act.
What steps need to be taken to achieve the spiritual and material Balance?
Set yourself such a goal — to have two wings. If I have a luxurious house, Tesla and branded things, but I do not find answers to the main questions, then the material side will not make any sense. On the other hand, there is a bias in the spiritual life, when you are so “magical”, but at the same time you cannot help your loved ones, take care of yourself. Money is the same tool for spiritual realization, but it all depends on where you send it and with what motivation.
Please tell us how a mentor came into your life?
I went through all religions, all esoteric schools. There was a very deep request that this be the path, understandable, in which the master would accompany me. And it happened on the same day — in the book I called it «my double jackpot» — when I met both my future husband and my master.
What are the mistakes that women fail to create a relationship, even when they have met, it would seem, their ideal person.
The first mistake is to settle for less. The second is not to communicate your desires and values. The third is not to study the partner. Do not run for quick pleasures: romance, sex, hugs. Long pleasures are wonderful relationships built on mutual respect and the desire to make each other happy.
And what do you usually answer when, for example, they say to you: “But there are no ideal people”?
It’s true. There are perfect partners for each other. I’m definitely far from perfect, but my husband says that I’m perfect because I give him exactly what he needs. He is also the best partner for me, as he helps me open up as a woman and grow as a person, and does this from a state of love and care for me.
What is most important to you in a relationship?
Even when it seems to you that some situation is wrong, unfair, you work through it, but at the same time you do not stop the feeling of love for your partner. As my friend said very well, a good conflict is one that makes us better as a couple. When we began to look at conflicts in this way, we ceased to be afraid of them.
At the end of the book, you described the essence of cause and effect in life. Have you deliberately not delved into the topic?
Yes, I did not want the book to turn into a guide to the spiritual life. I work with Christians, Muslims, Jews, and Buddhists. It is very important for me that I am not included in any one cell, and that the general principle is clear. We all need a vector of spiritual development. But what it is, each person must determine for himself.
One of the fundamental human needs is a sense of security, togetherness, belonging to a pack.
What did Tony Robbins teach you?
Chief. In the first place should be love, then everything else: development, security. This is still difficult for me, but I try to live like this. Because loving is more important than teaching. More important than being right.
What is the value of the women’s circle, what do women get when they communicate deeply with each other?
One of the fundamental human needs is a sense of security, togetherness, belonging to the pack. Often women make one mistake: they try to fulfill all their needs through a man. As a result, a woman either receives less all the time, or a man overworks, trying to give her everything she needs.
And if a man says: “But I am the sun, I cannot shine for one woman, while I love you very much”?
This means that there is no spiritual component in these relationships. This is because there is no vision beyond the material level, there is no understanding of the spiritual, sacred part of the relationship. And if you open it, there will not even be space for such a thought. We have a program called Conscious Relationships. On it, we are deeply working on this topic.
By the way, about honesty. In Legal Marriage, Elizabeth Gilbert describes her experience of remarrying. Before taking this step, she and her future husband agreed on all points that could cause disagreement in the future.
But you know how it ended up.
Yes, for me it was such a beautiful fairy tale …
I love Elizabeth Gilbert very much and follow her life, I recently went to meet her in Miami. She had a very close friend with whom they were friends for 20 years. And when she said that she had a fatal diagnosis, Elizabeth realized that she had loved her all her life, left her husband and began to take care of her. For me, this is an example of a violation of the sacredness of the union. Our relationship with Anton comes first, because they are our main spiritual practice. To betray a relationship is to betray everything. It means to betray the teacher, one’s spiritual path. It’s not just about having some fun. Everything is much deeper.
You are currently working on a new book, what is it about?
I am writing a book, The Best Year of My Life, where I show women how I live the year. diary format. There will also be continued several topics that were touched upon in the book «To Zen in Stilettos.» For example, the topic of self-love, relationships between parents and children, financial literacy.
What are your ingredients for a perfect day?
Early rise and morning filling practices. Delicious and healthy food prepared with love. Favorite work, high-quality communication. Vacation with my husband. And most importantly — a fundamentally good relationship with family.
How would you define your mission?
Become a light for yourself and for other people, pass it on. When we acquire an inner glow, it gradually fills the dark sides of the soul. I think this is the mission of every person — to find the light within themselves and shine for other people. Through the work that brings joy. For example, a teacher brings light to students, a doctor to patients, an actor to spectators.
First of all, you need to start shining for yourself. It is important to be filled with the right states: joy, love
I recently read a book by Irina Khakamada «The Tao of Life». She described the coach there as an inspiration and gave a funny example: analyzing the fear of a bicycle, the psychologist will dig into childhood, and the coach will arrive on a bicycle and ask: “Where are we going?” What tools do you prefer to use in working with women?
I have a large chest of tools. This is both classical psychology and knowledge from various trainings of world stars in coaching practice. I always set the task — where are we going, what do we want? Irina gives a good example. However, if the instrument is faulty, for example, the psyche is broken or the body is unhealthy, then the energy does not circulate in it. And very often such a breakdown is the result of unresolved childhood and teenage traumas. This must be removed, cleaned — reassemble the bike, and then say: “Well, everything is ready, let’s go!”
How can a woman find her purpose?
First of all, you need to start shining for yourself. It is important to be filled with the right states: joy, love. And for this you need to calm down, relax, let go of the grip. Simultaneously developing your mastery and releasing tension will cause the world to treat you differently.
Are there women who seem to be born with this quality and do not need to develop it?
Such women, endowed as if from birth with this light, definitely exist, and they are in our environment. But in fact, they also have to work on themselves, it’s just that this work takes place inside and is not put on display. I still admire my mom. All my life I have been looking at it and studying it as an amazing exhibit. There is so much love in her, so much of this inner light. Even when she finds herself in some incomprehensible circumstances, people come to her aid, because she herself helps others all her life. It seems to me that such a state of inner harmony is the main female treasure.