Ksenia Andreeva is a business woman, writer, artist and finalist of the beauty and talent contest “Mrs. Russia – 2018”. And a mother of many children. She manages to keep up with everything. How? Ksenia talks about this in her new book “Mom-Management”, which will be published this spring. Today we publish an article by Ksenia about why her husband needs to be involved in matters related to raising children, and how to do it correctly.
“Tell me, why your new book is called antifeminist, and I slept with Artyom today?” My husband, who looked a bit like a zombie after a sleepless night with a 10-month-old baby, asked me on Sunday morning. Good question! Indeed, I have long overcome my urges to trumpet about equality or, God forbid, to encroach on the main role in my relationship with my husband. Although in her youth it seemed very modern and fair: the eternal Nekrasov image of a Russian woman who would bring a galloping horse and a burning hut and bring children to the kindergarten along the way, cook a three-course dinner, and make twenty burpies at the stove in passing …
Perhaps that is why my husband helps me very well with the children: he takes the elders (4,4 and 2,5 years old) to the kindergarten, does homework with the elders, bathes them, periodically puts them to bed, and sleeps with our youngest a couple of days a week. allowing me to gain strength before the new week. The hairdresser and some doctors are also usually his area of responsibility.
Without the help of my husband, it would have been much more difficult to cope with all the chores around the house and with the children, and even to do something with my projects. I know the difference – it becomes obvious when my husband goes on a business trip – and therefore, not only do I not refuse help, but I also agree on it in advance.
Sometimes I ask myself a question: is it my merit that my husband took on several key tasks, or did he “get” me so good? So to speak, from the warm hands of my dear mother-in-law. Probably, it is difficult to separate one from the other here. But I can say that I am carefully working to ensure that he not only helps, but also does it with pleasure and is ready to help me out when some kind of force majeure develops: for example, Friday gatherings with friends or out-of-class sports.
So, with this in mind, I share with you the basic principles that I discovered for myself in the process of “redistribution” of family responsibilities.
It seems obvious to us that we are tired of doing only home and children, and we need help. The man has a different picture in his head. He goes to work: you stand on the doorstep with the children and see him off. He comes home from work: you stand on the doorstep with your children and meet him. What is the logical conclusion? It’s right that you stood there all day. The man cannot even imagine all the huge whirlwind of events between these two moments.
“The family opens a new world for a man”
Therefore, the explanation must start from scratch, patiently, calmly, solemnly, as if you were telling your child the rules of the road. We just open up a new world to a person. It’s important not just to demand help while eloquently fainting with fatigue. And explain from the standpoint of logic why you need help, and why her husband is the most wonderful candidate for her. After all, there are things that only dad can give a child. There are games, activities, certain approaches that they never get from their mother. And therefore, in order for the baby to develop this part of his horizons, it is vital that the dad spends more time with the child. That is, he helped my mother.
In addition, a happy, which means at least a rested (okay, okay, at least just a good sleep) mom is almost always happy children. I’m sure your husband is madly in love with his children. Yes, of course, he loves you too, but you understand that over time, in life together, love-passion gives way to tolerance and the search for a compromise. And therefore, a good argument will not only be that he should help for your sake, but also in order to give his children a happy childhood – that is, a happy mother.
The wisest advice I’ve ever been given in my life was from an old friend of mine. My at that time still future husband and I were just starting a life together. And the friend said: you need to sit down in advance and write down a list of responsibilities that you share around the house. And on one of the first romantic dinners, when the candles had not yet burned out, I took a piece of paper and divided it into two parts. I invited my man to agree that he can take on the tasks of the house. And it was brilliant. We saved a lot of nerves and strength. Each of us clearly understood what someone was doing and did not have high expectations for a partner. Of course, most of the work was still on me, but my husband did some small tasks himself without any reminders from me.
Therefore, the best thing to do in anticipation of the birth of a baby is to agree in advance about what things dad can take on. True, when it comes to the first child, we ourselves hardly understand what matters our everyday life will consist of. And the main thing is that these processes also change rapidly with age. But there are also universal things. For example, our streams of business for three children today consist of cooking, feeding, walking, laying down, educational games, homework, bathing, washing after changing diapers, reading books, getting ready and going to and from kindergarten, going to the doctor, to hairdressing salon, purchases of everything necessary for children. And in everything, of course, the help of the Pope will be very useful.
Try to write a rough list of tasks to do each day, and discuss with your husband which of these tasks is convenient and preferable for him to take on. Even a few tasks that the husband can refer to his area of responsibility will greatly help you and relieve you in the future.
We discuss what tasks the husband can take on REGULARLY
The most valuable things a husband can take on are those that he can do on a regular basis, without you being reminded or sharing responsibilities every night. Therefore, in a conversation with my husband, we need not only to agree that he will try to help more, but also to discuss what exactly he can take upon himself without separate negotiations or agreements. I emphasize the importance of this, because this is the only way we can understand how much time we have for rest or other business as a result, and also save ourselves from unnecessary negotiations.
If this system fails, that’s okay. After all, when a rule becomes a habit, it takes time: by all accounts, at least 28 days. So even if our newly-made assistant forgot that it is his duty to put the children to bed on even days, it’s not scary: calmly remind us that this is the agreement, and if he is especially tired today, then you can change, but then tomorrow is his turn.
And this is where the magic begins. After all, it is important not only to formally agree on a list of male responsibilities, but also to create at home the environment to which a man seeks to return after work and where he wants to spend more time – of course, participating in family life.
“Why is it always a woman? – you ask. “A man should also work on creating an atmosphere!” I will agree with you. This is a mutual affair. But I believe that only we can start the initial processes, since we have a stronger emotional beginning. By nature, women are closer to such matters as happiness, mood, sensations, she feels them more subtly and at least intuitively understands what to do with it. So it is in our hands to make sure that everyone, including children, was calm and happy to be at home.
“I praise, praise, praise: my husband’s success at work, help with children”
How to do it? My “recipes” are as follows: I reduce all conflict moments to calm negotiations. I do not allow screams, I do not allow to raise my voice at me, but at the same time I myself do not allow myself such a tone. I always try to share positive impressions of the day. I thank my husband for all the help and how he tries at work to provide for our family (although I also contribute to the family budget). I try to help from my side as much as I can: for example, if my husband slept with the baby at night, I give him a few hours to sleep during the day. I cover dinner for him myself, even if he is ready and on the stove, I bring tea. And also – I praise, praise, praise: his success at work, help with children, contribution to household chores. But what is there: if he has successfully chosen a film for evening viewing, I also praise him – this is necessary, what a fine fellow, how does he do it so well! How lucky I am with him!
Many of my friends practice “dad’s day.” Sometimes it is also called “Mom’s Day”, thus emphasizing its essence: on this day, dad stays with the children and does all the tasks around the house, and mom … and mom has a day off! She goes for a manicure, meets with her friends, goes shopping and in every possible way enjoys this “childish” part of her life.
An excellent ritual, it seems to me! In our country, however, it is no longer very relevant for various reasons. One of them is that it is quite difficult for one adult with three children of our age: after all, a nursing baby sometimes requires full-fledged two hands, and our two others are also almost babies. Therefore, for now, the only person who can stay with them for a long time is me. And then, of course, I will not say that it is easy for me these days. When it happened that my husband was in another country, and I was completely without helpers and there was not even a normal kindergarten, then in a few days I became not the mother I dream of for my children: I lack strength and patience. But if you know how to cope more easily with your number of children, I’m sure “Daddy’s Day” is a great practice. In the meantime, we are content with a “family day” on Sundays, when we have some joint activities planned.
Now that I am 33 years old, I have three small children, and at the same time the work ardor and creative enthusiasm remain, I look at things less radically than in my youth. I allow myself to be non-feministic. And I believe that only in a house where a man feels that he is in charge, you can count on his help. But this must be negotiated from the standpoint of logic, common sense and understanding that family, children and a home are a common cause, and the strength and time of each parent is henceforth a kind of single vessel that must be periodically replenished.