Those who cannot take a step unaided are called infantile and slightly despised. Those who categorically do not accept sympathy and support are considered upstarts and proud. Both are unhappy because they cannot reach agreement with the outside world. Psychologist Israel Charney believes that everything begins in childhood, but an adult person is quite capable of developing the missing qualities in himself.
There has not yet been a sage in the world who could clearly explain why some people depend on someone all their lives and need guardianship, while others are emphatically independent and do not like to be taught, protected and given advice.
A person decides whether to be dependent or independent. From the point of view of political correctness, his behavior does not concern anyone exactly as long as it does not pose a threat or offend someone’s interests. Meanwhile, the disturbed balance of dependence and independence leads to serious distortions in relations with the outside world.
- She is a stern mother of many children, who does not have time for all sorts of tenderness and lisping. It seems to her that the children will become as strong and independent as she is, but some of them grow up angry and aggressive.
- He is extremely sweet and shy, so touchingly courting and lavishing exquisite compliments, but he is not capable of anything in bed.
- She doesn’t need anyone. She was married and it was a nightmare, and now she is finally free, she can change partners at least every day, but she will never get involved in a serious relationship. What’s more, she’s not a slave!
- He is a beloved obedient son, he is an excellent student, always smiling and friendly, adults are overjoyed. But the boy becomes a teenager and then a man, and is found to be a miserable loser. How did it happen? This is because he is not able to stand up for himself in the inevitable conflicts, he does not know how to admit mistakes and cope with shame, he is afraid of any difficulties.
Both extremes are often encountered in the practice of mental disorders. Help is required not only for passive and dependent individuals who are easily influenced and manipulated. Powerful and tough people who go ahead in life and declare that they do not need anyone’s care and love are no less often diagnosed with personality disorders.
Psychotherapists, who are firmly convinced that it is necessary to concentrate only on the feelings of patients and gradually lead them to understanding and acceptance of themselves, do not touch on deep feelings. In short, the essence of this concept is that people are as they are, and the psychotherapist’s mission is to sympathize, support, encourage, but not try to change the main type of personality.
But there are experts who think otherwise. We all need to be dependent in order to be loved and supported, but at the same time remain independent in order to face failure courageously. The problem of dependence and independence remains relevant throughout life, starting from infancy. Children so spoiled by parental care that even at a conscious age they do not know how to fall asleep in their own bed or use the toilet on their own, as a rule, grow up helpless and unable to resist the blows of fate.
It’s great if healthy addiction is harmoniously combined with independence.
On the other hand, adults who refuse to accept help, even when they are sick or in trouble, doom themselves to bitter loneliness, emotional and physical. I have seen critically ill patients chased away by medical personnel because they couldn’t afford to have anyone care for them.
It’s great if healthy addiction is harmoniously combined with independence. A love game in which both are ready to capture each other’s desires, alternately becoming imperious, then submissive, giving and receiving affection, balancing between their dependent and independent sides, brings incomparably more pleasure.
At the same time, the conventional wisdom that the highest happiness of a man or woman is a reliable partner who is ready to have sex at the first call is greatly exaggerated. This is a path to boredom and alienation, not to mention the fact that the one who is forced into the status of «resigned performer» falls into a vicious circle of burning shame and feels like a slave.
When they ask me what to do if children grow up too spineless or obstinate, I answer that everything is in the hands of the parents. Having noticed that certain signs predominate in the child’s behavior, one must thoroughly think about how to instill in him the missing qualities.
When married couples come, I also try to convey that they can influence each other. If one of them is weak-willed and indecisive, the second helps him to believe in himself and become stronger. Conversely, a softer partner is able to restrain the ambitions of the second and, if necessary, show firmness of character.
A special topic is relationships at work. So many people are absolutely unhappy due to the fact that every day they regularly do the same thing, cursing the leaders and the system in which they work. Yes, making a living is not easy, and not everyone can do what they like. But for those who are free to choose their profession, I ask: how much can one sacrifice oneself in order to keep a job?
The same applies to relations with various organizations and government services. Let’s say you need medical attention and miraculously manage to get to the famous luminary, but he turns out to be an arrogant rude and communicates in an offensive manner. Will you endure, because you want to get expert advice, or will you give a worthy rebuff?
Or, say, the tax department demands to pay an unimaginable amount, and threatens with a lawsuit and other sanctions? Will you fight against injustice, or will you immediately give in and give in to unreasonable demands in order to avoid further problems?
I once had to treat a famous scientist whose government health insurance covered the cost of psychotherapy with a clinical psychologist, provided it was recommended by a psychiatrist or neurosurgeon. This patient was referred to me «only» by a neurologist and the insurance company refused to pay.
Common sense told us both that the nitpick was unfair. I advised the patient (an extremely passive person, by the way) to stand up for his rights and promised to fight with him: do everything possible, use professional authority, call and write everywhere, file an insurance arbitration commission, whatever. Moreover, I assured that I would not demand compensation from him for my time — I myself was outraged by the behavior of the insurers. And only if he wins, I will be glad if he considers it necessary to pay me a fee for all the hours spent on his support.
He fought like a lion and became more and more confident during the proceedings, to our mutual satisfaction. He won and got the insurance payout, and I got the reward I deserved. What is most pleasant, it was not only his victory. After this incident, the insurance policy for all US government employees changed: the services of neurologists were included in medical policies.
What a beautiful goal: to be tender and tough, to love and be loved, to accept help and worthily acknowledge your addiction, and at the same time remain independent and help others.
About the author: Israel Charney, American-Israeli psychologist and sociologist, founder and president of the Israel Association of Family Therapists, co-founder and vice president of the International Association of Genocide Researchers, author of Existential-Dialectical Family Therapy: How to Unravel the Secret Code of Marriage.