Memory loss, speech difficulties, disorientation in time and space… Noticing these and other symptoms of dementia in an elderly father or mother, their children receive a signal that the family is about to undergo major changes. The first and main of which is the rotation of roles.
Taking full responsibility for the lives of aging parents… sometimes we just have no other choice. Degradation of memory, thinking, behavior — brain disorders gradually change the personality of an elderly relative and turn the life of the whole family upside down.
“To realize and accept the fact that a parent is no longer able to decide how and where to live, how and with whom to be treated is difficult,” says geriatric psychiatrist Karine Yeganyan. — The situation is often complicated by the resistance of the patient himself. Many of them defend their independence and refuse to accept help, although they cannot cope with everyday life: they forget to eat and take medicine, turn off the gas, they can get lost or give away all the money in the store.”
Adult children will not only have to bring their father or mother to the doctor, but also organize the care process for years to come.
Search for compromise
It’s hard to switch roles with dad, who just yesterday scolded you for returning home late, it’s unthinkable to stand your ground in front of a strong mother who is used to running the household.
“Violence cannot be shown,” Karine Yeganyan is convinced. “In response to pressure, we get equally tough resistance. The participation of a specialist, a doctor, a social worker or a psychologist will help here, who will act as a mediator, find arguments so that your father agrees to visit a nurse, and your mother does not refuse to wear a geolocation bracelet when going out.”
At the stage when your relative fails to serve himself, you have to act tactfully, but decisively
“Taking the patient home or making a decision against his will, adult children behave like parents who enforce the rules for a small child: they express sympathy and show understanding, but still stand their ground, because they are responsible for his life and health. «.
We do not have the right to demand from an elderly father or mother: “Do as I said,” but with all due respect we must insist on our own, understanding that we have before us a separate person with his own opinion, judgments, and experience. Even if this personality is being destroyed before our eyes.
Request for help
It will be easier for us to interact with a relative whose cognitive functions are weakening if we clearly understand what is happening.
“What an older person says and does doesn’t always match what they really think or feel about you,” explains Karine Yeganyan. — Irritation, whims, mood swings, accusations against you (“you rarely call, you don’t love”), delusional ideas (“you want to evict me, poison me, rob me …”) are most often a consequence of dementia. The picture of his world is changing, the feeling of stability, predictability and clarity disappears. And this gives rise to constant anxiety in him.
Often children tend to devote themselves entirely to caring for loved ones, believing that their moral duty is precisely in full dedication.
Such an attitude is exhausting physically and mentally and dramatically worsens family relationships.
“Seeking help is necessary in order to endure the test in the long term,” the geriatric psychiatrist insists. — Try to keep your life with personal interests and free time. Separate your roles as much as possible: nurses — and wives, girlfriends … «
Through the social security system, you can place a mother or father in a day care group or send them to a nursing home for a month — this is the best way to recuperate. Consult with doctors, read literature. Find a group of like-minded people on the Internet: those who care for relatives will share their experience and provide support in difficult times.