“I don’t recognize my child,” says the mother of a six-year-old. — It seems that just yesterday he was a cute obedient kid, and now he breaks toys, saying that things are his, which means that he has the right to do with them what he wants. The son is constantly grimacing, mimicking the elders — where did he even get this from ?! And recently, he took out his beloved bear, with whom he had slept since infancy, to the trash heap. And in general, I don’t understand him: on the one hand, he now denies any rules, on the other hand, he clings to my husband and me with all his might, literally chasing us, not for a second letting us be alone … ”- (materials used in the article Irina Bazan, site psi-pulse.ru, and Svetlana Feoktistova).
6-7 years old is not an easy age. At this time, the difficulties of upbringing suddenly arise again, the child begins to withdraw and becomes uncontrollable. It is as if he suddenly loses his childish naivety and spontaneity, begins to act like manners, clownish, grimace, some kind of clowning appears, the child pretends to be a jester. The child consciously takes on some role, takes some pre-prepared internal position, often not always adequate to the situation, and behaves in accordance with this internal role. Hence the unnatural behavior, the inconsistency of emotions and causeless mood swings.
Where does all this come from? According to L.I. Bozhovich, the crisis of 7 years is the period of the birth of the social «I» of the child. What it is?
First, if a preschooler was aware of himself primarily as a physically separate individual, then by the age of seven he is aware of his psychological autonomy, the presence of an inner world of feelings and experiences. The child learns the language of feelings, begins to consciously use the phrases “I am angry”, “I am kind”, “I am sad”.
Secondly, the child goes to school, explores a completely new world, and his old interests are replaced by new ones. The main activity of a preschool child was the game, and now his main activity is studying. This is a very important internal change in the child’s personality. A small schoolboy plays with enthusiasm and will play for a long time, but the game ceases to be the main content of his life. The most important thing for a student is his studies, his successes and his grades.
However, 7 years are not only personal and psychological changes. It is also a change of teeth and physical «stretching». Facial features change, the child grows rapidly, his endurance, muscle strength increase, coordination of movements improves. All this not only gives the child new opportunities, but also sets new tasks for him, and not all children cope with them equally easily.
The main reason for the crisis is that the child has exhausted the developmental possibilities of games. Now he needs more — not to imagine, but to understand how and what works. He is drawn to knowledge, strives to become an adult — after all, adults, in his opinion, have the power of omniscience. Hence the childish jealousy: what if the parents, left alone, share with each other the most valuable, secret information? Hence the denial: was it really he, almost already an adult and independent, who was once small, inept, helpless? Did he really believe in Santa Claus? Hence the vandalism towards once beloved toys: what will happen if a new supercar is assembled from three cars? Will the doll become more beautiful if you cut it?
It is not a fact that the adaptation to a new life of a child ready for school will go smoothly for him. At 6-7 years old, a child learns self-control, so that, like we adults, we can dose, restrain or express our thoughts and emotions in an acceptable form. When a baby in a full carriage shouts loudly “I want to pee!” or «what a funny uncle!» — this is cute. But adults will not understand. So the child is trying to understand: what is the right thing to do, where is the line between “possible” and “impossible”? But, as in any study, it does not work right away. Hence the kind of mannerism, theatricality of behavior. Hence the jumps: suddenly you have a serious person in front of you, reasoning and acting sensibly, then again a “kid”, impulsive and impatient.
Mom writes: “Somehow my son was not given a rhyme. Usually he memorizes them quickly, but here he got stuck on one line and not in any. Moreover, he categorically refused my help. He shouted: «I myself.» That is, each time, reaching the ill-fated place, he stammered, tried to remember, started from the beginning. Seeing his suffering, I could not stand it and prompted. Then my child threw a tantrum, began to shout: “That’s why you did it? Would I even remember? It’s all because of you. I will not learn this stupid verse. I understood that in such a situation it was impossible to put pressure. I tried to calm her down, but it only made things worse. Then I resorted to my favorite technique. She said, “Well, you don’t have to. Then Olya and I will teach. Yes, daughter? One-year-old Olya said: «U-u», which, apparently, meant her consent. I began to read Ole’s poem. Usually the child immediately joined the game, trying to remember and tell the rhyme faster than Olya. But then the child said gloomily: “You don’t have to try. You can’t get me involved.» And then I realized — the child really grew up.
Sometimes parents get the impression that their 6-7-year-old child has reached adolescence ahead of schedule. He seems to be trying to destroy what was dear to him before. The desire to fiercely defend one’s territory and rights, as well as negativism, when everything that pleased a son or daughter until recently suddenly causes a contemptuous grimace — what are the characteristic features of a teenager?
Sergey, go brush your teeth.
— What for?
— Well, so that there is no caries.
So, I haven’t eaten sweets since morning. And in general, these teeth are still milk and will soon fall out.
The child now has his own, reasoned opinion, and he begins to defend his opinion. This is HIS opinion, and he demands respect! Now the child cannot simply be told “Do as it is said!”, Argumentation is required, and he will object just as well!
— Mom, can I play on the computer?
— Not. You just watched cartoons. Do you understand that computer and TV are bad for your eyes? Do you want to wear glasses?
Yes, which means you can sit all day. Nothing to your eyes?!
— Nothing for me. I’m an adult, back off!
It’s wrong to talk like that. At the age of seven, a child is already able to catch his parents on the discrepancy between what is said and what is being done. He really has grown up!
What to do? Rejoice that the child is growing and has already matured. And prepare the child for school. Do not deal with the crisis, this is a muddy task, but simply prepare the child for school. This task is clear to you and the child, and its solution will be the solution to all other behavioral issues.
If you’re concerned about tantrums, «You don’t love me» accusations, disobedience, and other specific concerns, check out the RELATED ARTICLES section for answers to your questions.