Everyone understands this word in their own way. Some believe that this is the natural state of loving people, others that this is an unhealthy and destructive quality. Psychotherapist Sharon Martin deconstructs common myths strongly associated with this concept.
Myth one: codependency implies mutual assistance, sensitivity and attentiveness to a partner
In the case of co-dependence, all these laudable qualities hide, first of all, the opportunity to raise self-esteem at the expense of a partner. Such people constantly doubt the significance of their role and, under the plausible mask of care, are looking for evidence that they are loved and needed.
The help and support they provide is an attempt to control the situation and influence the partner. Thus, they struggle with internal discomfort and anxiety. And often they act to the detriment of not only themselves — after all, they are ready to literally suffocate with care in those situations when it is not needed.
A loved one may need something else — for example, to be alone. But the manifestation of independence and the ability of a partner to cope on their own is especially frightening.
Myth two: this happens in families where one of the partners suffers from alcohol addiction
The very concept of codependency really arose among psychologists in the process of studying families in which a man suffers from alcoholism, and a woman takes on the role of savior and victim. However, this phenomenon goes beyond one relationship model.
People prone to codependency were often brought up in families where they did not receive sufficient warmth and attention or were subjected to physical violence. There are those who, by their own admission, grew up with loving parents who made high demands on their children. They were brought up in the spirit of perfectionism and taught to help others at the expense of desires and interests.
All this forms co-dependence, first from mom and dad, who only with rare praise and approval made it clear to the child that he was loved. Later, a person takes the habit of constantly looking for confirmation of love into adulthood.
Myth #XNUMX: You either have it or you don’t.
Everything is not so clear. The degree may vary at different periods of our lives. Some people are fully aware that this condition is painful for them. Others do not perceive it painfully, having learned to repress uncomfortable feelings. Codependency is not a medical diagnosis, it is impossible to apply clear criteria to it and it is impossible to accurately determine the degree of its severity.
Myth #XNUMX: Codependency is only for weak-willed people.
Often these are people with stoic qualities, ready to help those who are weaker. They perfectly adapt to new life circumstances and do not complain, because they have a strong motivation — not to give up for the sake of a loved one. Connecting with a partner suffering from another addiction, whether it be alcoholism or gambling, a person thinks like this: “I have to help my loved one. If I were stronger, smarter, or kinder, he would have changed already.” This attitude makes us treat ourselves with even greater severity, although such a strategy almost always fails.
Myth #XNUMX: You can’t get rid of it
The state of co-dependence is not given to us by birth, like the shape of the eyes. Such relationships prevent one from developing and following one’s own path, and not the one that another person imposes, even if one is close and beloved. Sooner or later, this will begin to burden one of you or both, which gradually destroys the relationship. If you find the strength and courage to acknowledge codependent traits, this is the first and most important step to start making changes.
About the Expert: Sharon Martin is a psychotherapist.