All people had to experience fear — a strong and all-consuming feeling. It includes a feeling of panic, paralysis and a lot of bodily sensations: dry mouth, often beats and “squeezes” the heart, trembling hands and feet, sweating palms … Children experience a sense of fear more often than adults-how to help them cope with this, says our psychologist Vera Yasnaya.
Children’s fears often seem irrational, incomprehensible to adults, they are very diverse and sometimes bizarre. Fear is built into us by nature to help us avoid danger and survive, but it may well have nothing to do with the present moment at all. Every child is afraid of something — the dark, loneliness, dogs, monsters, bad grades… From children, you can hear: “I’m afraid to go to kindergarten” or “I’m afraid to go to school.” There are many reasons for these fears.
Fear in a child may appear because he was very afraid of something in the past. And now the feeling of fear that has not been fully experienced appears again and again, although it could have been quite a long time. Remember together with the child the situation that frightened him, talk about his experiences at that time, give him the opportunity to relive these feelings again in a safe environment near you. It is important to comfort the child, then he will learn to comfort himself. Often in such a situation, it is better to consult a psychologist, so that the child does not have any traumatic experiences.
Children who have a good imagination are afraid. It happens that at the age of 3-4 years, a child suddenly begins to be afraid of something, for example, the dark or monsters. At this age, children actively develop imagination — the child begins to imagine what he saw on TV or what he read in a book, as if it is present here and now. In addition, children with a good imagination easily predict the consequences of their own and others ‘ actions, so they are often more timid and indecisive.
The child’s anxiety and fears can be a reflection of the parents ‘ fears. Sometimes parents are aware of their anxiety, and sometimes it sits very deep and adults “do not feel”it. But children as locators “catch” the state of their parents and themselves begin to be afraid, because if the strongest and most reliable people in the world — dad and mom-are afraid, then it’s really scary. In addition, anxious parents often warn the child against various dangers: “Careful, you’ll fall!”,” Don’t cut yourself!”,”Don’t go there, it’s dangerous!”. As a result, he develops an idea of the world as a dangerous and unreliable place, where it really makes sense to be afraid.
Children are afraid when their parents pay too much attention to them and live for them. On the one hand, a lot of attention is good, such children quickly develop intellectually and emotionally. But their social development — mastering the world of people and relationships outside the home-can be delayed. By themselves, without the support of an adult, they feel weak and defenseless, in the children’s team, due to the lack of experience of independent contacts with peers and the inability to protect themselves, they feel insecure. It is important to gradually include such a child in the children’s team, the relationships in which are not fully controlled by adults. For this purpose, a kindergarten is very useful.
Children who are angry with their parents are afraid. A child up to 6-7 years old cannot accept the fact that the same object or person can simultaneously possess opposite qualities. For example, that mom can be kind and very fond of him, and very angry when he did something wrong. And then the mother who is angry turns into some terrible creature that lives under the bed, in a book, in a dark room, or somewhere else. This is possible if the child is frightened when the parents are angry, or if the parents are angry often.
If you want to solve the problem radically, you should not resort to means that give only a temporary result, namely:
– saying “don’t be afraid”: fear is not under our control, and trying not to be afraid only increases it;
– to shame, scold and punish for fear or its manifestations: fear does not go away, and the child feels abandoned and alone;
– to deny fear (“There is nothing to be afraid of”) or not to take it seriously (“Get distracted, it will pass by itself”, ” Oh, what nonsense»): the child feels misunderstood and helpless, because for him fear is a real and serious problem;
– make the child responsible for their fear (“I’ve seen enough TV again, now you’re afraid»): in addition to the fear, the child has a sense of guilt;
– try to distract the child (“Think of something pleasant»): the fear goes into the background, but it does not disappear anywhere and then it will manifest itself with a new force.
– relieve the child from the feeling of fear in “home” ways (“Draw fear on paper and flush it down the toilet»): in this case, the fear will also return again after a short time;
– solve the problem for the child, for example, taking him to bed when he is afraid, or transferring him to another school: this brings temporary relief, but does not solve the problem at the root.
How to help your child cope with fear? The best thing is to consult a psychologist, this will save a lot of time and worries for both the child and adults. But you can try to help the child a little on your own: respect his feelings and ask him to tell you about what he is afraid of, and about the condition that occurs in this case. And be sure to listen carefully — to get rid of fear, the child needs to look at it closer and understand its cause together with an adult. An adult can help by asking: when children are afraid, they become small regardless of their age. It is worth supporting and feeling sorry for this “little one”.
And most importantly: trust your child. No one knows more about his fear than he does.