Before the birth of the second child
When to tell him?
Not too early, because the relation to the time of the child is very different from that of the adult, and nine months is a long time; not too late, because he may feel that something is happening that he is not aware of! Before 18 months, it is better to wait as late as possible, that is to say around the 6th month, for the child to really see the rounded belly of his mother to understand the situation more easily.
Between 2 and 4 years old, it can be announced around the 4th month, after the first trimester and the baby is fine. For Stephan Valentin, doctor in psychology, “from the age of 5, the arrival of a baby affects the child less because he has a social life, he is less dependent on the parents. This change is often less painful to experience ”. But if you are very sick during the first trimester, you should explain the cause to him because he can see all the changes. Likewise, if everyone around you knows it, you must of course tell them!
How to announce the arrival of a baby to the oldest child?
Pick a quiet time when the three of you are together. “What is important is not to anticipate the child’s reactions,” explains Stephan Valentin. So take it easy, give him time, don’t force him to be happy! If he shows anger or dissatisfaction, respect his emotions. The psychologist offers to help you with a little book to help you find the right words.
Showing him pictures of his mother who was pregnant with him, telling the story of his birth, anecdotes from when he was a baby, can help him understand the coming of the baby. Corn do not talk to him about it all the time and let the child come to you with his questions. Sometimes you can make him participate in preparing the baby’s room: have him choose the color of a piece of furniture or a toy, using the “we”, to include him little by little in the project. And above all, you have to tell him that we love him. “It’s important that parents tell him that again!” »Insists Sandra-Elise Amado, clinical psychologist in crèche and Relais Assistante Maternelles. They can use the image of the heart that grows with the family and that there will be love for each child. »A great classic that works!
Around the birth of the baby
Notify him of your absence on D-day
The eldest child may be distressed at the idea of finding himself alone, abandoned. He must know who will be there while his parents are away: “Aunty is going to come home to look after you or you are going to spend a few days with Grandma and Grandpa”, and so on.
That’s it, he was born… how to present them to each other?
Either at the maternity ward or at home, depending on his age and the circumstances of the birth. In all cases, make sure the big one is there when the baby arrives at your house. Otherwise, he may think that this newcomer has taken his place. The important thing is first to take the time to reunite with your mother, without the baby. Then, the mother explains that the baby is there, and that he can meet him. Introduce him to his little brother (little sister), let him approach, staying nearby. You can ask him what he thinks about it. But, as in the announcement, give him time to get used to ! To accompany the event, you can then tell him how his own birth happened, show him photos. If you gave birth in the same maternity hospital, show him which room he was born in. “All this will reassure the child who will be able to have empathy towards this baby and less jealousy, because he has received the same thing as this new baby”, adds Stephan Valentin.
When the eldest talks about his little brother / sister …
“When do we return it?” “,” Why isn’t he playing train? “,” I don’t like him, he sleeps all the time? »… You have to be pedagogical, explain the reality of this baby to him and repeat to him that his parents love him and will never stop loving him.
Coming home with baby
Value your big one
It is important to tell him that he is tall and that he can do a lot of things. And even, for example, from the age of 3, Sandra-Elise Amado suggests inviting her to show the baby around the house: “Do you want to show the baby our house? “. We can also involve the elder, when he wishes, to take care of the newborn: for example, by making him participate in the bath by gently putting water on his stomach, help with the change by giving cotton or layer. He can also tell her a little story, sing her a song at bedtime …
Reassure him
No, this newcomer is not taking his place! At 1 or 2 years old, it is better to have the two children close to each other because you must not forget that the older one is also a baby. For example, while the baby is breastfeeding or bottle-fed, the other parent may suggest that the older one sit next to it with a book or a toy, or lie down next to the baby. It is also important that one of you do things alone with the big one. : square, swimming pool, bicycle, games, outings, visits … And if, as often, your eldest child regresses and “pretends to be baby” by wetting the bed again, or by no longer wanting to eat on his own, try to play down, not scold him or demean him.
How to manage your aggressiveness?
Does he squeeze his little sister (a little too) hard, pinch her or bite her? There you must be firm. Your elder needs to see that his parents will protect him too if someone tries to harm him, exactly as for his little brother or his little sister. This movement of violence reflects a fear of this rival, of losing the love of his parents. The answer: “You have the right to be angry, but I forbid you to harm him. “Hence the interest in letting him express his feelings: he can for example” draw his anger “, or transfer it to a doll that he can manhandle, scold, console … For a toddler, Stephan Valentin invites them to parents to accompany this anger: “I understand, it’s hard for you”. Not easy to share, that’s for sure!
Author: Laure Salomon