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Relationships between brothers and sisters, it helps to grow!
They adore each other, bicker, admire each other, ignore each other, imitate each other, envy each other … Relations between brothers and sisters are an excellent opportunity to rub shoulders with others and to make their place in a group. A real laboratory for learning about life in society!
“Three little wizards of 11 months, 2 years old and soon 4 years old, it’s not easy to manage every day, but when I see them playing and laughing together, it’s such a joy that I forget my fatigue ! I, who am an only child, discover the astonishing bond that unites brothers and sisters. Like all parents, Amélie marvels at the already strong bond that unites her children. It is true that the little ones are often in awe of their elders. You just have to see how babies clap their feet and hands and smile as their siblings approach, sensing that these “tiny human beings” who look like them and seem like doing really interesting things will give them opportunities to have fun.
A frequent complicity
It is true that there is often a natural and spontaneous bond in a sibling. Suddenly, parents are convinced that fraternity implies solidarity and love, but this is not always the case! Jealousy between brothers and sisters is an almost inevitable feeling that you have to know how to recognize and learn to defuse. Likewise, we can be brothers and sisters and not have affinities because we are so different. As the psychoanalyst Dina Karoubi-Pecon underlines: “In a sibling, each child has the right to choose the brother or sister with whom he will make an alliance. But a child also has the right to choose not to make a covenant at all. It is very guilty, because it does not respond to the parents’ injunction: “You are brothers and sisters, you have the obligation to get along well and to love each other!” Yes, parents dream of siblings that would be nothing but love, but this will is not enough to create a real understanding. Feelings and complicity cannot be ordered, on the other hand, respect for the other, yes! It is up to them to establish the necessary practices and rules so that each child can position himself in relation to others and learn to defend himself when necessary.
Rivalry between siblings is normal!
A brother or sister is someone with whom we share the same genetic heritage, but above all the same roof and the same parents! And when an elder sees a newborn baby arrive, the intruder is immediately considered a “thief of parental love”. Brotherly jealousy is inescapable and quite normal. You only have to read classic fairy tales such as Cinderella to be convinced! But feelings of rivalry have positive aspects. The fact of having experienced jealousy and having overcome it can be very useful for living in society later, especially at school and in the business world where competition is raging … Rivalry between peers allows it is up to children to confront the other, to measure themselves against him, to recognize him as a being both close and different, and to gauge his strengths compared to those of others. On the other hand, the fact of seeking to attract the attention of his parents pushes each child to develop strategies of seduction to strengthen the bond which unites him to his parents and to be loved by them. It is an excellent booster, because each child tries to surpass the other, but above all to go beyond his own limits in order to “impress” them.
Elder, younger … we build ourselves together
Intense and passionate, relationships between brothers and sisters are a formidable laboratory for sociability. It is by rubbing shoulders with the differences of one’s brother and sister that one builds oneself! Elder, younger, younger, everyone will find their place! The older ones, without really wanting it, allow the younger ones to feed on everything they do not yet know how to do. Cadets observe, admire, imitate and ultimately grow up to match or even surpass their role model. This co-construction is not a one-way street because the little ones also educate the older ones. This is what Juliette, mother of Hugo and Maxime, tells us: “Hugo has always been a calm, calm boy, who liked to play alone. Obviously, when Maxime arrived, he quickly upset his brother’s habits because Maxime is a real tornado. He likes to run, play ball, heckle, climb trees. His hyperactive side rubbed off on his big brother who opened up to multi-player games. Hugo is an excellent goalkeeper, Maxime a good striker and everyone wants them in their team! “
Like Hugo and Maxime, the brothers and sisters know that there is a lot to learn from each other and that siblings work as a real growth accelerator. “Psychology still insists on parental education… But education by siblings does exist, even if it is much less recognized! », Underlines the psychologist Daniel Coum.
To each his own style
If the brothers and sisters are built by positive identification, it is just as true that they are built in opposition. As the psychoanalyst Dina Karoubi-Pecon emphasizes: “Children use others as models and as counter-models”. They seek to resemble, but also to stand out and differentiate themselves in order to exist each in their uniqueness. We all know brothers who have nothing in common, sisters who are the exact opposite of each other. This is what Paul, the father of Prune and Rose, observes: “My two daughters are only three years apart and do not look alike at all. Apart from the fact that one is blonde and the other is brunette, they are almost the opposite of each other. Prune is very girly, she loves ruffled dresses and princesses. Rose is a real tomboy, she only wants to wear pants and has decided to become an airplane pilot or a boxer! It amuses their mother a lot, who never misses an opportunity to remind me that I would have liked to have had the choice of the king and that I had predicted the arrival of a little guy before Rose was born! ”
We value every child
Whatever their style and personality, each member of a sibling should be recognized and valued for who they are. It will help them a lot to overcome their rivalries. Do not hesitate to tell your children what you have experienced as memorable moments, the arguments with your brothers and sisters, the silly things, the giggles, the adventures, the little phrases that marked the family history. “You know, I was also arguing with my sister. Do you want me to tell you about the time she pushed me through the nettles? What about the time I stuck some chewing gum in her hair? Grandpa and grandma punished us, but we laugh about it a lot together today. They will listen to you speechless and understand that conflicts between siblings do not last and that we always end up laughing.