«I’m not talking to you!» — if you hear these words from your partner too often, if then there is silence for many days and as a result you have to make excuses, beg, ask for forgiveness, and for what — you yourself don’t know, maybe it’s time to think about whether a loved one is manipulating you .
Ivan understood that he was guilty of something, but did not know what. For the past few days, his wife has stubbornly refused to talk to him. It was obvious that she was offended by something. The problem was that she literally criticized him every day for some mistakes and transgressions, so he had no idea what provoked the boycott on her part.
She recently had a corporate party at work, maybe he drank too much and said something stupid there? Or was she pissed off by the pile of unwashed dishes piled up in the kitchen? Or maybe he began to spend too much on food, trying to stick to a healthy diet? The other day, he sent a sarcastic message to a friend that his wife was unhappy with him again, maybe she read it?
Usually Ivan in such situations confessed to all conceivable and unthinkable sins, apologized and begged her to start talking to him again. He couldn’t bear her silence. She, in turn, reluctantly accepted his apology, scolded him severely, and gradually resumed communication. Unfortunately, this whole process kept repeating about every two weeks.
But this time, he decided he had had enough. He was tired of being treated like a child. He began to understand that with the help of boycotts, his wife controls his behavior and forces him to take on excessive responsibility. At the beginning of the relationship, he considered her taciturnity a sign of sophistication, but now he clearly saw that this was just manipulation.
A boycott in a relationship is a form of psychological abuse. The most common forms.
1. Ignoring. By ignoring you, the partner shows neglect. He clearly shows that he does not appreciate you and is trying to subordinate you to his will. For example, he does not seem to notice you, as if you are not there, pretends not to hear your words, “forgets” about joint plans, looks at you condescendingly.
2. Avoiding the conversation. Sometimes the partner does not completely ignore you, but closes, diligently avoiding communication. For example, he gives one-syllable answers to all your questions, does not look you in the eye, gets off with general remarks when you ask about something specific, mutters under his breath or avoids answering by abruptly changing the subject. Thus, he deprives the conversation of any meaning and again shows his dismissive attitude.
3. Sabotage. Such a partner surreptitiously tries to deprive you of self-confidence. He does not recognize your achievements, does not allow you to fulfill your duties on your own, suddenly changes his requirements, secretly prevents you from achieving success. Usually this is done secretly and at first you do not even understand what is happening.
4. Rejection of physical intimacy. Rejecting manifestations of affection and love on your part, he, in fact, rejects you. Often this happens without words: the partner avoids your touches or kisses, avoids any physical intimacy. He may refuse sex, claim that sexuality is not important to him.
5. Isolation from loved ones. He is trying to limit your social life. For example, he forbids communicating with relatives who could protect you from him, justifying this by saying that they are trying to destroy relationships, “they hate me,” “they really don’t give a damn about you.” Thus, the boycott extends not only to you, but also to your relatives, who are unaware of anything.
6. Damage to reputation. In this way, the partner is trying to isolate you from a whole group of people: friends, colleagues, buddies in sections and groups. He gets them to boycott you by spreading false rumors that tarnish your reputation.
For example, if you are a believer and regularly visit the same temple, your partner may spread a rumor that you have lost your faith or are behaving inappropriately. You have to make excuses, which is always hard and unpleasant.
When Ivan realized what methods of manipulation and psychological violence his wife uses, he finally decided to leave her.
About the Expert: Kristin Hammond is a counseling psychologist and expert in dealing with family conflicts.