Blended family: 12 tips to overcome obstacles

Stop believing that love will break down all obstacles

One of the most dangerous lures for those who take up the challenge of starting a blended family is this belief that love, by its power alone, will overcome all difficulties. It is not because we madly love a man that we are going to love our children! It is quite conceivable not to love your partner’s children as you love your own. That doesn’t stop you from being attentive, treating them with respect, and building a positive relationship with them. This is also valid for stepchildren. You don’t force yourself to love, if it’s there, it’s great, but it’s not the end of the world if it isn’t. Don’t make your child love your new companion.

Give up the ideal family

Another formidable lure is that of wanting everything to go well at all costs. The children adore each other, they adore their stepfather, his children adore you, it’s amazing! But behind these deceptive appearances hides a less glamorous reality. Everyone strives to maintain a positive outward image and suffers within. Just because there aren’t any open conflicts doesn’t mean it works and everyone’s cool. Conflict is part of any healthy human relationship. When it bursts, it’s a good sign. Of course, it is painful to live, but it is positive because things are said and externalized. When it never breaks out, everyone will internalize their grievances, their resentment, and isolate themselves.

Blended family: don’t do everything together!

In the TV ad, the members of the Ricoré family do not leave each other all day! But that is an advertisement! In real life, group outings shouldn’t become mandatory to reassure you about the strength of your new family. Everyone has their desires, everyone has the right to sometimes have a privileged relationship as a duo with their parent or with their lover. Everyone also needs to spend some time alone.

Blended family: give everyone time to tame

Children need observation time to adjust to their new life. No need to rush them, if your loved ones notice that their step-parent is a factor of stability, if the new family brings a balance, joy of life, security in the house, their outlook will become positive. The same goes for you and your new companion. We rarely love our stepchildren from the first moment, we appreciate them over time, it can take months, even years. No need to force yourself: if your attitude is faked, everyone will notice it.

Agree on the exercise of authority

A family that is being reconstituted, these are two systems of values, of habits, of educational practices which collide. For one, it’s compulsory to go to bed at 20 p.m., for the other, it’s no sweets or sodas! These differences are sometimes seen by children as injustices, especially if the rules of life are the opposite for the other parent. Dialogue is the key to success, co-parenting is a choice that is based on precise rules and attributions. Express what you expect from your new companion, ask him what he expects from you. You will avoid a lot of quarrels by immediately setting concrete limits on what everyone agrees to do and what they absolutely do not want to do. Once you agree, talk to your respective children. Your new companion will say to his family: “This lady is my new lover. As she is an adult, that she is my companion and that she will live with us, she has the right to tell you what to do in this house. Here there are rules and they also apply to you. I love you, but I will always agree with her because we discussed it together. And you will say the same to your child about your new lover.

Take into account the psychological fragility of children

Any child confronted with the separation of his parents is weakened, destabilized. This must be taken into account. As Virginie Megglé underlines: “We all carry within us a dream of eternal love and we all want our parents to stay together, as in fairy tales. Seeing his parents separate is a great pain, the child feels abandoned, he often thinks that he is not well enough for them to stay together. When one of his parents rebuilds his life and remarries, he feels abandoned a second time. Even if it is hard to bear, it must be understood that the aggressiveness of a child seeing a new woman or a new man land in his life is natural, he reacts to the situation that stresses him. The child feels insecure, he fears losing the love of his parent, he thinks that the latter will love him less. This is why it is essential to reassure him and to secure him by reaffirming to him how much he matters, by telling him in simple words that parental love exists forever, no matter what, even if his mum and daddy have separated, even though they each have a new spouse in their life.

Don’t just focus on your new couple

We are often a little selfish, in our bubble, when we are in love. In order not to hold up your children or his, avoid demonstrations of love in front of them (before, it is their dad that their mom would kiss), which can shock them, and they do not have to be involved in adult sexuality. It is none of their business. Even if you see life in pink in the arms of your new baby, don’t forget to be available for your children. Even if they live with their father-in-law on a daily basis, don’t take their biological father out of the picture, continue to take on your parental responsibilities together. Criticisms about the biological parent are very disturbing for the child, because to devalue the adults who build him is to devalue a part of himself. Caught in a conflict of loyalty, he risks forbidding himself a relationship with his stepfather for fear of betraying his absent father.

Know how to listen to the complaints of the child “in interim”

It is difficult for a child who comes to his parent on weekends to see him take care of someone else’s children full time… Even if you do everything you can to ensure that he does not feel “just a visitor”. ”, Jealousy is inevitable. Conflicts linked to jealousy are constitutive of siblings and of humanity. It is known, it is banal, but it is always difficult to live for those who are confronted with it. We don’t like children to complain, but it is important to acknowledge receipt of their complaint so that they feel heard. No need to say “I love you so much, even if you’re only here every other weekend!” He knows very well that it is not the same as for those who are there all the time. He knows that the relationship is different, broken, that he misses everyday life. To help him not to feel less loved than others, it is important that he shares special moments with his parent, one-on-one, just for him. These singular moments, he will take them away like treasures in the other house.

Clearly explain the role of the step-parent

To structure himself, a child needs to understand the status of the adults who take care of him. Just as a father is neither a friend nor an equal, a stepfather has an educational role and responsibilities vis-à-vis his stepchildren, without taking the place of the father. It’s up to you to clarify things, to help your new companion take his place in the family. Obviously, the name “daddy” is not desirable, especially if the real dad is involved in the education of the child. In general, a stepfather is called by his first name, sometimes by a nickname. The rules concerning the common life, the organization of the house, must be stated clearly and respected by all, even if the children only share the same roof on weekends and holidays. If disagreements, inevitable, arise between you and your new companion, discuss it together one-on-one, never in front of the children.

Manage arguments between your children and theirs

You would have liked to see them play together, but they argue a lot. Admittedly, affinities cannot be controlled and conflicts in siblings (recomposed or not) are inevitable, but it is necessary to be vigilant and to regulate relations. Affinities circulate, alliances move in siblings, nothing is fixed, let the children build their relationships, but check that none are left out. If it is always the same who is excluded from the games, the big or the small who is systematically left behind, intervene. Because to say nothing is to consent. Do not endorse alliances like “Lea and Pauline get along so well both!” But with Arthur, it’s a real nightmare! Because your comments will reinforce the feeling of exclusion of one against the other. Be very careful to be fair and equitable, not to punish your child less than that of the other, not to grant him privileges, nor to favor him. Making too big a difference is very bad for your own little one. Children are in empathy: far from rejoicing in his privileged status, yours will feel that it is because of him that we do not consider his quasi-brother or quasi-sister. He will feel guilty and unhappy for them, it may affect the relationship they are building.

Blended family: don’t demonize the other’s child

Sometimes the current doesn’t flow with the other’s child at all. If this is your case, you must understand that it is your unique status as a stepmother, regardless of who you are, that motivates her hostility. It would be the same with another woman. Depersonalize the attacks, do not position yourself as an enemy of a small child who just wants to be taken care of, who expresses that he is not well and who certainly does not want to destroy your new couple! As Virginie Megglé underlines: “A child who does not feel loved will develop a very negative image of himself. It is up to us, adults, not to let him do it, to reassure him, to protect him and above all not to react as a rival. “

Know how to manage the arrival of your new couple’s baby

The birth of a child confirms and gives flesh to the new union. In the other children, his arrival awakens the lack of the original family. They put up with the separation as best they could, they could not help but the newborn who creates the union recreates the pain of the separation. This arrival is a new trauma because it reactivates a primary jealousy that has not always been expressed. This baby is spoiled, he has both parents with him all the time, it’s unfair! But the fear of being left behind for the newcomer also comes with a sense of security, because it binds the new family together. For children weakened by the break-up of a first family and who are afraid to relive the situation, it is very reassuring.

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