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“You are not my mother! You have nothing to tell me! “ Such is often the virulent response to an order given to the child of his companion, when relations are strained.
Before interfering in his upbringing (table dress, haircut, phone use, bedtime, etc.), get to know and love the child. Do not remain unspoken either. “As long as you live under the same roof, calmly explain to her what the rules are for your home. Otherwise, the tension would build up and end up exploding suddenly ”, explains the child psychiatrist Edwige Antier.
Everyone has their own role. Advice from Marie-Dominique Linder, psychoanalyst *
The parents’ responsibility is to lay down the fundamental principles: on education (guidance, contacts with teachers, etc.), ethics (moral standards, etc.) or health (choice of treatments, etc.).
In-laws, they can afford to relay the daily application of the rules of good manners, falling under “The local authority” : healthy life (food, bedtime …), school homework (advice, checks …), behavior in society (politeness, table behavior …) Be careful not to question what the other parent has instilled in him.
If there is too much conflict, let the custodial parent take over with their child. This will allow you to let go.
When the Oedipus complex invites itself
Around the age of 5, in the heart of the oedipal phase, the little girl will not hesitate to dismiss her mother-in-law. Explicitly, she will ask you to leave her alone with her father. Implicitly, she will come to slip between you two on the sofa …
In extreme cases, this can go as far as manipulation. Mamylavand, on the Infobebes.com forum, bears the brunt. “In front of her father, she is charming. When he is away, she insults me, disrespects me, doesn’t obey… I try to talk to my friend about it, but he thinks I’m exaggerating… ”
But rest assured, by respecting the child and his story, his jealousy towards you will eventually fade. Patience and perseverance …
* Author of Recomposed Families – Practical Guide, published by Hachette Pratique