Living with the Other’s child
Gone are the days when the traditional family prevailed. Recomposed families today approach the model of the classic family. But managing relationships with the Other’s child can be a difficult situation to tackle.
Who can know what the future holds? According to INSEE *, 40% of marriages end in separation in France. One in two in Paris. Result: 1,6 million children, or one in ten, live in a stepfamily. Problem: the young person often has a hard time accepting this situation. As shown by Imat, on the Infobebes.com forum: “I have four boys from a first marriage, my partner has three. But his sons exclude obeying me, do not want to see their father if I am present and push their plates away when I am preparing the meal. “
The child indeed perceives the new partner of his father or his mother, as an intruder. Willingly or unconsciously, he may seek to frustrate this new relationship, in the hope of “mending” his parents.
Covering him with gifts or satisfying all his whims to arouse his sympathy is far from the right solution! “The child already has his story, his habits, his beliefs. You have to get to know it, without questioning it ”, explains the child psychiatrist, Edwige Antier (author of The other’s child, Robert Laffont editions).
Some rules to avoid conflicts
— Respect the child’s refusal to confide. It takes time to tame, to create a bond. To do this, spend time together, organize activities that she likes (sport, shopping, etc.).
— Do not seek to replace the absent parent. In matters of affection and authority, you cannot have the role of a father or a mother. To put things straight, together define the rules of common life for the blended family (housework, tidying up rooms, etc.)
— Everyone has their own space! The best is to organize a family reunion to fix a new organization of the house. Children also have their say. If he cannot help but share his room with his half-brother, he must be entitled to his own desk, his own drawers and shelves to store his personal belongings.
* family history survey, carried out in 1999