Perhaps you sometimes had the feeling that if you were an “unprincipled, arrogant dummy” or a “rude tyrant”, life would be much easier. If yes, then sit back — this text is for you.
This is my second month running the Bad Girls game. I continue to reveal to good, kind, responsible people their “bad” and “dark” sides. It so happened that mostly women are going to the game, so there will be a lot of “girly” examples here, but this knowledge will also be useful for men. The main thing is to understand the principle itself.
What is good and what is bad
The qualities that are valued by parents in a child and the qualities of a successful adult are often very different. To put it bluntly, a child who is “easy to handle,” predictable, and manageable is more preferable than a persistent, inquisitive natural scientist with his own opinion.
He must keep quiet when necessary, play in such a way that later it would not be “excruciatingly painful”, be quiet and modest in some conditions, but smartly read poetry on a stool in the presence of others. And then bang… «you’re already big.» And suddenly it turns out that you need to strive, not to be shy, “responsible for”, persevere, motivate yourself, give an account, and so on.
All these useful adult qualities grow out of the «wrong» and «uncomfortable» children’s. Due to the fact that being a “bad child” is condemned and unsafe, these qualities remain childish, black and white with a bright and unambiguous negative color. And the life of an adult person throws challenges, requires the expansion of the behavioral repertoire and the free use of different strategies.
And what child would think of acting the same way as that “upstart” from her mother’s work?
And it seemed that being greedy and selfish was bad, but being able to defend your interests and understand what you want was good. Being superficial and frivolous is bad, but being able to adequately assess your area of responsibility, not go too far with over-control and stop waving the moral and ethical flag is very useful. Being a “upstart” and “a gag in every barrel” is wrong, but seeing opportunities and building interaction effectively is excellent.
For example, internal attitudes “don’t stick out,” “don’t brag,” “be humble,” “don’t impose” can interfere with developing self-presentation skills, promoting a personal brand, or starting a conversation about revising working conditions.
These attitudes could sound like an imperative “don’t do it”, “don’t be it”, or exist in the form of family stories, listening to which, the child understood what not to do. “We had one such person — he spoke out”, “it’s not customary in our family”, “… and here is one upstart at work.” And what child would think of acting like that «upstart» from her mother’s work?
«This is all mine, dear»
Greedy, evil, mischievous, selfish, stupid, defiant, hypocritical … In order to write a list of what kind of girl you can’t be, there is never a problem.
The meaning of our game is to get these “bad qualities”, once again carefully consider, try on for yourself, play the role, grow them up to an adult state, and after that make a decision “it is necessary or not necessary”. Without regret, leave everything that does not fit, and take what may be useful.
It’s one thing to regret oneself as a failed «tear off, a hooligan and a slob» and it’s completely different to try on all these images, play enough of them and with a pure heart. And then, having removed all unnecessary, use this most powerful resource.
But there is one trick. I must say right away that it is not always possible to find in oneself the rudiments of the desired adult quality. You can, of course, start growing stunted shoots of leadership in permafrost conditions, contrary to your nature, but we are going the other way.
The development of what was originally characteristic of us has its deep roots
Therefore, in the game, the movement begins from those “bad” sides that you once had, once showed themselves, “got a hat” and were forced out, hidden as harmful and dangerous. In psychology, this is called working with the Shadow. The participants and I are looking for qualities that were once characteristic of them, «native» qualities that we had to give up, «not to be like that», and we make these qualities a «growth inoculation».
You don’t have to waste time cultivating your weaknesses and creating a «better version of yourself». This is a long time, and there is no guarantee that new qualities will take root in the value system. But the development of what was originally characteristic of us has deep roots and responds with a poignant feeling. This makes it possible to immediately get to a certain level of possession of the desired quality.
«Stand on the sample»
The brain is a complex system organized hierarchically. If there is no powerful foundation, all superstructures hang in the air. An artificially planted sprout, whether it be a goal, an attitude, an image of a brighter future or a motive, quickly fly out of the system.
Otherwise, setting goals and creating motivation could be replaced by directive suggestion, as in coding alcoholism, and its effectiveness would be just as doubtful.
Of course, there are other tricks in our arsenal — where without secrets. But you can start this work right now.
Write a list of those hurtful definitions that you remember about yourself from childhood. Or list the qualities that you can’t be a “bad” girl (boy). And, perhaps, in them you will see the resources that you need so much today in adulthood.