Self-love is the source of goodwill and respect. If these feelings are not enough, the relationship becomes authoritarian or is built according to the “victim-persecutor” type. If I do not love myself, then I will not be able to love another, because I will strive only for one thing — to be loved myself.
I will either have to ask for «refills» or give up the other person’s feeling because I still don’t have enough of it. In any case, it will be difficult for me to give something: without loving myself, I think that I cannot give anything worthwhile and interesting to another.
The one who does not love himself, first uses, and then destroys the partner’s trust. The «provider of love» becomes embarrassed, he begins to doubt and eventually gets tired of proving his feelings. Mission impossible: you cannot give another what he can give himself only himself — love for himself.
The one who does not love himself often unconsciously questions the feelings of another: “Why does he need such a nonentity as me? So he’s even worse than me!» Lack of self-love can also take the form of an almost manic devotion, an obsession with love. But such an obsession masks an insatiable need to be loved.
So, one woman told me how she suffered from … her husband’s constant declarations of love! There was a hidden psychological abuse in them that nullified everything that could be good in their relationship. After parting with her husband, she lost 20 kilograms, which she had previously gained, unconsciously trying to protect herself from his terrorizing confessions.
I’m worthy of respect, so I’m worthy of love
The love of another can never make up for our lack of love for ourselves. As if under the cover of someone’s love you can hide your fear and anxiety! When a person does not love himself, he longs for absolute, unconditional love and requires his partner to present him with more and more evidence of his feelings.
One man told me about his girlfriend, who literally tortured him with feelings, testing the relationship for strength. This woman seemed to be asking him all the time, «Will you still love me even if I treat you badly if you can’t trust me?» Love that does not entail a dignified attitude does not form a person and does not satisfy his needs.
I myself was a favorite child, my mother’s treasure. But she built a relationship with me through orders, blackmail and threats that did not allow me to learn trust, benevolence and self-love. Despite my mother’s adoration, I did not love myself. At the age of nine I fell ill and had to be treated in a sanatorium. There I met a nurse who (for the first time in my life!) gave me an amazing feeling: I am valuable — just the way I am. I am worthy of respect, which means I am worthy of love.
During therapy, it is not the love of the therapist that helps to change the view of oneself, but the quality of the relationship that he offers. It is a relationship based on goodwill and the ability to listen.
That is why I never tire of repeating: the best gift we can give a child is not so much to love him as to teach him to love himself.