We cannot arouse sympathy in absolutely everyone who surrounds us — it would seem that this is an indisputable fact. However, there are people in whom the desire to please others turns into an obsessive need. Why is this happening and how can such a desire manifest itself?
Even if we pretend that the opinions of those around us do not care too much, deep down, almost all of us want to be loved, accepted, recognized for merit and approved of actions. Unfortunately, the world works a little differently: there will always be those who don’t like us too much, and we will have to come to terms with this.
However, there is a big difference between wanting and needing to be loved. The desire to be loved is quite normal, but the obsessive need for approval can be incapacitating.
Desire or need?
It is important for everyone to feel that we are accepted, that we are part of something bigger, that we belong to our “tribe”. And when someone doesn’t like us, we perceive it as a rejection — it’s not pleasant, but you can live with it: either just accept the rejection and move on, or try to find out the reason why they don’t like us.
However, there are people who cannot stand it when someone does not admire them. From the mere thought of this, their world collapses, and they strive with all their might to win the favor of a person indifferent to them, to attract his attention and earn approval. Unfortunately, this almost always backfires and backfires.
People who are desperate for the sympathy of others often behave in the following ways:
- constantly trying to please everyone;
- ready to take actions that do not correspond to their character or values, wrong or even dangerous, if they feel that this will help them win the sympathy of others;
- afraid to be alone or go against the crowd, may even allow something wrong to happen, only to get approval;
- agree to do what they don’t want to make or keep friends;
- experience anxiety or severe stress if they find out that someone does not like them;
- fixate on people who they think don’t like them or don’t approve of their behavior.
Where does the need to be loved come from?
Most of those for whom universal love and acceptance are vital, in fact, are struggling with problems that should be traced back to childhood. Such people may not even realize what drives them.
Most likely, a person who strives to be loved without fail suffered from emotional neglect in childhood. He may have been the victim of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse as a child. Trauma like this can leave us feeling for a long time that just being ourselves is not enough, that we are of no value in and of ourselves, and this forces us to constantly seek the support and approval of others.
An unhealthy desire to be loved by everyone indicates an internal struggle with low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence, which can be triggered by anything. For example, the prevalence of social networks only reinforces these feelings. The competition for “likes” fuels the inner anxiety of those who are tormented by an unhealthy need to like. The inability to get the approval you want can lead to worsening psychological problems — for example, driving deeper into a state of depression.
What to do if the normal desire to please has grown into an obsessive need? Alas, there is no quick fix. On the way to stop feeling unwanted, unloved, and even insignificant whenever others do not like us, we may need the support of loved ones and, possibly, professional help. And, of course, task number one is to learn to love yourself.
About the Expert: Kurt Smith is a psychologist and family counselor.