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“You broke my life”, “because of you I did not achieve anything”, “I spent the best years here” … How many times have you said such words to relatives, partners, colleagues? What are they guilty of? And are they the only ones?
About 20 years ago I heard such a joke about psychologists. A man tells his dream to a psychoanalyst: “I dreamed that we gathered with the whole family for a festive dinner. Everything is fine. We talk about life. And now I want to ask my mother to pass me the oil. Instead, I tell her, «You ruined my life.»
In this anecdote, which is fully understood only by psychologists, there is some truth. Every year, millions of people complain to their psychotherapists about their relatives, colleagues, friends. They tell how they missed the chance to get married, get a decent education, make a career and just become happy people. Who is to blame for this?
1. Parents
Usually parents are blamed for all failures. Their candidacy is the simplest and most obvious. We communicate with parents from birth, so they technically have more chances and time to start spoiling our future.
Perhaps, by coddling you, they are trying to compensate for their flaws in the past?
Yes, our parents raised and educated us, but perhaps they didn’t give enough love or loved too much, spoiled us, or, conversely, forbade too much, praised us too much, or didn’t support us at all.
2. Grandparents
How can they be the cause of our troubles? All the grandparents I know, unlike their parents, love their grandchildren unconditionally and unconditionally. They devote all their free time to them, pamper and cherish.
However, it was they who raised your parents. And if they did not succeed in your upbringing, then this blame can be shifted to grandparents. Perhaps, by coddling you, they are trying to compensate for their flaws in the past?
3. Teachers
As a former teacher, I know that educators have a huge impact on students. And many of them are positive. But there are others. Their incompetence, subjective attitude towards students and unfair assessments destroy the career aspirations of the wards.
It is not uncommon for teachers to directly say that a particular student will not enter the chosen university (“there is nothing to even try”) or will never become, for example, a doctor (“no, you do not have enough patience and attentiveness”). Naturally, the opinion of the teacher affects self-esteem.
4. Your therapist
If not for him, you would not have thought to blame your parents for all your troubles. Remember how it was. You said something casually about your mother. And the psychoanalyst began to ask about your relationship in childhood and adolescence. You brushed it off, saying that the mother has nothing to do with it. And the more you denied her guilt, the more the psychoanalyst delved into this problem. After all, it’s his job.
You spent so much energy on them, missed out on a good job because you wanted to spend more time with them.
And now you have come to the conclusion that the parents are to blame for everything. So isn’t it better to blame your psychologist? Is he projecting his problems with his family onto you?
5. Your children
You spent so much energy on them, missed a good job, because you wanted to spend more time with them. Now they don’t appreciate it at all. They even forget to call. Classic case!
6. Your partner
Husband, wife, friend, chosen one — in a word, a person who was given the best years and who did not appreciate your talents, limited opportunities, and so on. You spent so many years with him, instead of finding your true love, a person who would truly care about you.
7. You yourself
Now re-read all the above points and look at them critically. Turn on the irony. We are pleased to justify our failures, find reasons for them and blame other people for all the troubles.
Stop looking at others, focus on their desires and how they see you
But the only reason is your behavior. In most cases, you yourself decide what to do with your life, which university to enter, with whom to spend your best years, work or raise children, use the help of your parents or go your own way.
But most importantly, it’s never too late to change everything. Stop looking at others, focusing on their desires and how they see you. Take action! And even if you make a mistake, you can be proud of it: after all, this is your conscious choice.
About the Author: Mark Sherman is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the State University of New York at New Paltz, and a specialist in intergender communication.