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The question «How was your day?» can cause discord and misunderstanding in a couple. What will help partners feel that they are heard and understood?
When Steven comes home from work, his wife Katie asks, «How was your day, honey?» The following conversation goes like this.
— At the weekly meeting, the boss questioned my knowledge of the product and told the CEO that I was incompetent. Hysterical!
“Here you go again. You take everything to heart and blame your boss. I saw her — quite sane. Don’t you understand, she just worries about her department! (Association with the enemy.)
“Yes, she constantly clings to me.
“It’s just paranoia. Learn to control yourself. (Criticism.)
— Yes, everything, forget it.
Do you think at this moment Stephen feels that his wife loves him? Most probably not. Instead of becoming a reliable rear and listening to him, Katie only increases the tension.
Do not try to solve a problem, cheer up or rescue, unless you are asked to.
Psychology professor Neil Jacobson of the University of Washington conducted a study and found that for a marriage to be successful in the long run, you need to learn how to deal with external pressures and tensions that arise outside of your relationship.
A simple, effective way for couples to top up their emotional bank account is to talk about how the day went. It has a name: «stress conversation».
Many couples, like Steven and Katie, discuss the day, but this conversation does not help them relax. On the contrary, the stress only increases: it seems to everyone that the other does not hear him. Therefore, you need to follow a few rules.
Rule 1: Choose the Right Moment
Some begin a conversation as soon as they cross the threshold of the house. Others need to be alone for a while before they are ready for dialogue. It is important to discuss this point in advance. Set a time that works for both of you. It can be fixed or floating: for example, every day at 7 pm or 10 minutes after you both come home.
Rule 2: Allow more time for the conversation
Some couples struggle because they don’t spend enough time together. This hinders the development of love. Take the time to really bond during the conversation: the conversation should take at least 20-30 minutes.
Rule 3: Don’t discuss marriage
During the conversation, you can discuss everything that comes to mind, except for marriage and relationship problems. The conversation involves active listening: while one pours out his soul, the second listens to him with understanding, without judging. Since the issues discussed are not related to marriage, it is much easier to support your partner in his experiences and show that you understand him.
Rule 4: Accept emotions
Conversation allows you to relieve the burden of irritation, get rid of the severity of large and small problems. If you’re uncomfortable with your partner feeling sad, fearful, or angry, it’s time to find out why. Often, discomfort is associated with a ban on the expression of negative emotions, coming from childhood.
Do not forget about positive emotions. If you have achieved something important at work or in raising children, say so. In life together, you need to share not only sorrows, but also joys. This is what gives meaning to relationships.
7 principles of effective conversation
Use active listening techniques to release stress and connect with your partner.
1. Switch roles
Tell and listen to each other in turn: for example, for 15 minutes.
2. Express empathy
It’s easy to get distracted and lost in your thoughts, but your partner may feel that there is no contact between you. Concentrate on what he is saying, ask questions to understand better, maintain eye contact.
3. Don’t give advice
It is only natural that you try to solve the problem and cheer up your partner when he is having a hard time. But often he just needs to speak up and get sympathy. Do not try to solve a problem, cheer up or rescue, unless you are asked to. Just be by his side.
When a wife shares her problems, she just wants to be listened to and understood.
Men make this mistake more often than women. It seems to them that saving is their man’s duty. However, such attempts often go sideways. Psychology professor John Gottman notes that when a wife shares her problems, she just wants to be heard and understood.
This does not mean that there is no need to solve problems at all — the main thing is that understanding precedes advice. When the partner feels that you understand him, he will be ready to accept advice.
4. Show your partner that you understand and share his emotions
Let your spouse know that you understand him. Use phrases such as: «No wonder you’re so upset», «Sounds awful», «I totally agree with you», «I’d be worried too», «I’d be upset too if I were you».
5. Take your partner’s side
Support your partner, even if it seems to you that he is not objective. If you take the side of the offender, the spouse will offend. When a partner comes to you for emotional support, it’s important to express empathy. Now is not the time to figure out who is right and what needs to be done.
6. Take a “we against everyone” stance
If your partner feels lonely in the fight against difficulties, show that you are at the same time with him and together you will solve everything.
7. Express love
Touch is one of the most expressive ways to show love and support. Show that you are ready to support your partner in sorrow and in joy.
Here’s how Katie and Stephen’s conversation would change if they followed this instruction.
How was your day, dear?
— At the weekly meeting, the boss questioned my knowledge of the product and told the CEO that I was incompetent. Hysterical!
How could she! (We are against everyone.) What did you answer her? (Sincere interest.)
— He said that she always clings to me and this is unfair. I am the best seller on the trading floor.
— And rightly so! I’m sorry she’s acting like this with you. (Empathy.) We need to deal with her. (We are against everyone.)
«I agree, but she’s digging her own hole.» The director does not like that she accuses everyone of incompetence.
It’s good that he knows. Sooner or later she will get what she deserves.
“I hope so. What do we have for dinner?
If you have such conversations every evening, they will definitely strengthen your marriage, because being sure that your partner is on your side is one of the foundations of a long-term relationship.