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What is worth striving for in search of love is to meet a person who will accept us for who we are. If you settle for anything less, be prepared for some serious disappointment. Our experts have named six life circumstances and personality traits that would be a mistake to give up for the sake of a relationship.
1. Your connections with family and friends
“If your partner loves you, they will make an effort to treat your friends and loved ones with kindness and respect,” says Christina Wilke, a family therapist in Pennsylvania. This means that he will not be offended and make a sour face in response to an offer to go to an important family holiday with your parents. He will not make sarcastic remarks when discussing problems in the personal life of your closest girlfriend.
“You can’t just brush off years of friendship or close contact with relatives at the behest of a partner,” the expert explains. “And it’s unlikely that you will be able to build a trusting relationship with a person who forces you to choose between him and those who are dear to you in your own way.”
2. Your shortcomings
We all come into relationships with a certain amount of baggage. Everyone has their own unique individual set of flaws that have shaped and defined life.
If the other half refuses to admit your weaknesses, sooner or later you will have conflicts.
“A person worthy of your time and energy will find a way to love everything about you, including your imperfections,” notes Betsy Ross, a psychotherapist from Massachusetts. — Seeing only the best in a partner, ignoring his not very flattering qualities, is dangerous: not a single person in everyday life can remain impeccable in everything for a long time. At some point, it will become impossible not to notice shoes thrown in the center of the hallway, dirty dishes in the sink, or frivolous comments on any occasion. And if the other half refuses to recognize your weaknesses, sooner or later you will have conflicts.
3. Values
“If you want a strong relationship, never change your values,” warns divorce coach Kira Gould. — True love is based on the dialogue of people who are true to themselves. From trying to be not who you are in order to please your partner, you get tired very quickly.
The desire to be loved and accepted should not go to the detriment of the true «I»
Living a lie is debilitating. In particular, changing your idea of the family, of decency and self-esteem, of (un)spirituality, or issues of economic security in favor of the partner’s beliefs is a dead end path that often leads to a breakdown in relationships. Most of us are close and understand the universal desire to be loved and accepted, but this need should not go to the detriment of our true «I».
4. Life goals
The goals that you had before meeting your other half should not change dramatically just because you are now one of the halves of the couple.
“Of course, you can fantasize together and make joint plans for the future, but they should not crowd out global life goals,” says Amy Kipp, a family therapist from Texas. “Your goals should unite, not compete. If you have always been career oriented, your partner should support solutions that will help you in your work.
If the birth of children is what you have always dreamed of, you should not part with this dream in order to make your partner happy. Such vital issues need to be discussed at the very beginning of the relationship, so that everyone can clarify for themselves whether your goals are the same.”
5. Qualities that make you special
What do your friends say about you when they introduce you to someone in their circle? That you are kind and considerate to others? Incredibly witty and funny?
“Whatever your bright, unique qualities, do not let them fade and die out in your life together,” advises Marni Feuerman, a family therapist from Florida. — If a lot of people have recognized some trait of yours as remarkable, don’t change it just because one single person, your partner, criticizes it.
Hobbies are good for relationships: the joy we get from doing what we love fuels passion
Perhaps he is jealous of you, so sociable and easy-going, to your friends. Or he is inclined to calculate and plan everything, and your spontaneity and love of freedom infuriate him. One way or another, but when a partner believes that something needs to be “corrected” in you, take this as a warning sign: is it worth continuing such a relationship at all.
6. Your passions
You’re into football or donating to a charity over the weekend, but lately you’ve been ditching those activities more and more, preferring to spend time with a partner. At the very beginning of a relationship, during the period of romantic dates and getting to know each other, such a change in priorities is quite natural.
“It is difficult for lovers to part, even for a short time. However, don’t give up on passions by reducing life to these nascent relationships, warns Debra Campbell, a family psychologist from Melbourne. — A lover may be one of the most important people in your life, but keeping in touch with other objects of love, hobbies, sports, creative projects is a must.
Hobbies are only good for personal relationships: the joy and satisfaction that we get in doing what we love fuels passion. At such moments, we are in the best shape and therefore are especially attractive to a partner and interesting to ourselves. Never give up on what makes you happy.»