6 harmful myths about people who do not have children

My wife and I started a family much earlier than most of our acquaintances: I was 21 years old, she was 20. We were still in college then. A few years later, we were still childless — here we began to regularly hear comments and hypotheses that others usually build about couples without children.

Some suggested that our life is still difficult to consider complete, while others openly envied our freedom. Behind many opinions, there was a conviction that all those who are in no hurry to have children are selfish people who are focused only on themselves.

I discussed this topic with historian Rachel Hrastil, author of How to Be Childless: The History and Philosophy of Life Without Children. We’ve found some negative stereotypes about childfree couples that aren’t really supported by scientific evidence.

1. These people are weird

Childlessness is often viewed as rare and abnormal. It would seem that the statistics confirm: children are (or will be) the majority of people living on earth. Still, it is difficult to call this situation anomalous: there are much more childless people than we think.

“About 15% of women in the United States reach the age of 45 without becoming mothers, either by choice or because they cannot give birth,” says Rachel Hrastil. — This is about one in seven women. By the way, there are far fewer left-handed people among us.”

In some countries, such as Germany and Switzerland, childlessness rates are even higher, closer to a ratio of 1:4. So childlessness is by no means rare, but quite typical.

2. They are selfish

In my youth, I often heard that “parenthood is the antidote to selfishness.” And while all these worthy people, parents, only think about the well-being of others (their children), I am still waiting for me to be healed of my own selfishness. I doubt that I am unique in this sense.

I’m sure you know a lot of selfish parents. As well as those who do not have children, but who, of course, can be called kind and generous. A self-centered adult, on the other hand, is more likely to become a self-centered parent, either asserting himself at the expense of his children or admiring his own reflection in them. So where does this accusation come from?

Fathers and mothers who are keenly aware of their own sacrifices may assume that the childless know nothing of what it means to devote their time and energy to others. But parenthood is neither a necessary nor a sufficient condition for blunting egoism. In addition, there are many other ways to become less self-centered, such as through meaningful service, charity, volunteering.

3. Their views are a product of feminist movements

There is such a popular belief: everyone had children until contraceptives were invented and women everywhere began to go to work. But Chrastil notes that women throughout history have chosen to do without children. “The pill did change a lot,” she says, “but not as much as we think.”

Back in the 1500s in countries such as Britain, France and the Netherlands, people began to put off marriage and get married closer to 25-30 years of age. Approximately 15-20% of women did not marry at all, especially in cities, and unmarried women, as a rule, did not have children.

In the Victorian era, even those who married did not necessarily have children. They relied on birth control methods that were available at the time (and to a certain extent they were effective).

4. Their life does not bring them satisfaction.

Many believe that motherhood / fatherhood is the pinnacle, the main meaning of existence. Most often, those who are really happy and realize themselves in parenthood to the fullest think so. In their opinion, the childless are missing out on invaluable life experience and wasting their time and life resources.

There is no convincing evidence that parents are more satisfied with life than non-parents. Having children can make your life more meaningful, but not necessarily more prosperous. And if you have children under five or teenagers, then you are even less happy than childless families.

5. They are more likely to experience loneliness and financial hardship in old age.

Does having children guarantee that someone will take care of us when we get old? And does childlessness mean that we will grow old alone? Of course not. Research shows that old age is a real problem for most people when it comes to financial, health and social (in)security. But for the childless, these problems are no more acute than for everyone else.

And the task of building and maintaining social ties in old age arises before every person, regardless of his status as a parent / childless. Adult children living in the XNUMXst century still have plenty of reasons not to care for their elderly parents.

6. They are not involved in the continuation of the human race.

The task of procreation requires much more from us than the birth of children. For example, solving social and environmental problems or creating works of art that bring beauty and meaning to our existence. “I hope that my abilities, energy, love and passion that I bring to work can make a difference in your life and the lives of other parents,” comments Chrastil.

Needless to say, throughout history there have been and are countless people who have made outstanding contributions to culture and were not parents: Julia Child, Jesus Christ, Francis Bacon, Beethoven, Mother Teresa, Nicolaus Copernicus, Oprah Winfrey – the list goes on. Between people who raise children and who are not familiar with parenthood, there is a close, almost symbiotic relationship. We all really need each other, Rachel Hrastil concludes.

About the author: Seth J. Gillihan is a cognitive behavioral psychologist and assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania. Author of articles, book chapters on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and a collection of self-help charts based on the principles of CBT.