5 habits to quit right now

Letting go of the past and setting and maintaining personal boundaries are three critical life skills that those who grew up in unloved families often have trouble with. As a result, they developed an anxious type of attachment. Often they build the «Great Wall of China», which allows them to avoid any conflicts, preferring not to change anything, just not to take on the solution of the problem. Or they are afraid to set reasonable boundaries because of the fear of being abandoned and, as a result, hold on to commitments and relationships that it is time to give up.

So what are these habits?

1. Trying to please others

Fearful children often grow up to be anxious adults who try to keep the peace and calm at all costs. They try to please everyone, not to express dissatisfaction, because it seems to them that any attempt to declare their interests will lead to conflict or a break. When something is wrong, they blame themselves, so they pretend that nothing happened. But this is a losing strategy, it prevents you from moving forward and easily makes you a victim of manipulators.

Trying all the time to please someone who offends you also ends badly — you only make yourself more vulnerable. Similar principles apply in personal relationships. To resolve the conflict, you need to openly discuss it, and not wave a white flag, hoping that everything will somehow work itself out.

2. Willingness to endure insults

Children who grew up in families where constant insults were the norm, not that they consciously tolerate offensive remarks, often they simply do not notice them. They become desensitized to such treatment, especially if they are not yet aware of how childhood experiences have shaped their personality.

Any criticism directed at a person’s personality (“You always …” or “You never …”), derogatory or contemptuous epithets (stupid, freak, lazy, brake, slob), statements aimed at hurting, is an insult. Silent disregard — refusing to answer as if you weren’t heard, or reacting with contempt or derision to your words — is another form of insult.

To distinguish insults from constructive criticism, pay attention to the speaker’s motivation: does he want to help or hurt? The tone in which these words are spoken is also important. Remember, people who offend often say they just want to offer constructive criticism. But if after their remarks you feel empty or depressed, then their goal was different. And you should be honest about your feelings.

3. Trying to change others

If you think that a friend or your partner needs to change in order for your relationship to be perfect, think: maybe this person is happy with everything and does not want to change anything? You cannot change anyone. We can only change ourselves. And if a partner is not right for you, be honest with yourself and admit that this relationship is unlikely to have a future.

4. Regrets about wasted time

We all experience the fear of loss, but some are especially prone to anxiety of this kind. Every time we think about whether or not to end a relationship, we remember how much money, experiences, time and energy we have invested. For example: “We have been married for 10 years, and if I leave, it will turn out that 10 years have been wasted.”

The same goes for romantic or friendship relationships, work. Of course, your “investments” cannot be returned, but such thoughts prevent you from deciding on important and necessary changes.

5. Excessive trust in someone else’s (and one’s own) excessive criticism

What we hear about ourselves in childhood (praise or endless criticism) becomes the foundation of our deep ideas about ourselves. A child who has received enough love appreciates himself and does not tolerate attempts to belittle him or insult him.

An insecure child with an anxious type of attachment, who often had to listen to derogatory comments about his abilities, “absorbs” these ideas about himself, becomes self-critical. Such a person considers his own shortcomings to be the reason for all failures in life: “I was not hired because I am a loser”, “I was not invited because I am a bore”, “Relationships fell apart because there is nothing to love me for.”

Try to notice any excessive criticism, someone else’s or your own. And you don’t have to trust her unconditionally. Focus on your strengths, argue with the «inner voice» that criticizes you — it is nothing more than an echo of those remarks that you «absorbed» in childhood. Don’t let the people you hang out with make you the butt of ridicule.

Remember that by becoming aware of your hidden automatic patterns, you will take the first step towards important changes.