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It would seem that there is nothing shameful in this, because difficulties happen to everyone. But when you have to ask someone for a favor, many are embarrassed, gather their courage for a long time and find words with difficulty. Psychologist Ellen Hendriksen explains why this happens and how to deal with anxiety.
When help is needed, the bravest and most determined among us behave like shy children. We begin to babble incoherently, come up with convenient excuses, look for excuses, or drag it out to the last. In the depths of their hearts, everyone agrees that asking for help is much better than being tormented, but how difficult it is!
According to psychologist Ellen Hendriksen, we are robbed of confidence and speechless by five common fears. And it is in our power to cope with them, and therefore learn to ask for help without harming our pride.
1. Fear of being a burden
We are worried in advance that a person will have to sacrifice something for us. This fear manifests itself in thoughts like “she has enough worries without me” or “he has more important things to do.”
What to do
First, remind yourself that people love to help. This not only strengthens social bonds, but also gives pleasure. The nucleus accumbens, the most primitive part of the brain, responds to altruistic acts in the same way it does to sex and food. Asking for help sounds like an agreement to accept a gift and will surely please the person you are contacting. Leave the person to decide whether they are too busy to fulfill your request or not.
Secondly, think about how you would behave if, say, your friend needed help. Most likely, you would feel flattered and willingly render a favor. And the rest feel the same way.
It is important to ask for something specific. The phrase “I could use some help” is vague and vague, but “these drugs make me like a squeezed lemon, I can’t even go down to the grocery store” sounds clear and clear. If a friend wants to take on some of your troubles, rely on him. Say something like, “Thank you for your concern. Honestly, I really need help with laundry — after the operation I can not lift weights. When would you like to come in?»
2. Fear of admitting that the situation is out of control
Especially often such fear covers those who deny problems for too long: a crisis in relationships, alcohol addiction, and so on. We feel like failures and are ashamed that we can’t do it on our own.
What to do
Of course, you can fight on your own, but, alas, despite all efforts, not everything and not always can be controlled by us. As you know, the wave cannot be stopped, but it can be ridden. And best of all, if there is a friend nearby.
Try to separate the problem from yourself and think of it as an animated object. Draw her, and on the contrary — yourself and the one who will help her overcome. There is a problem, but it is not you or anyone else. When discussing solutions, you can refer to the problem as «it». In family therapy, this technique is called «joint detachment.»
The conversation might go like this: “The credit card debt needs to be closed as soon as possible before we finally fly into the pipe. This is about to get out of control. Let’s think together how to cut costs.»
3. Fear of being in debt
Few people like to feel obliged. We believe that we should repay with an equivalent service, as if we are being helped only out of selfish motives.
What to do
A group of psychologists at the University of California conducted a study on gratitude and commitment in marital relationships. It turned out that spouses who thank each other for even a little help (not because they have to, but because they want to) enjoy it and quarrel less often. “Obviously, gratitude is the key to a happy marriage,” the authors conclude.
First, think about who you can contact. If you know that a person is not averse to playing on guilt and is prone to manipulation, look for someone else. When they help out of mercy and put a lot of conditions, it is a duty. When they help willingly and without any questions, this is a gift.
Let’s say your request has already been fulfilled. Replace a sense of duty («I owe her!») A feeling of gratitude («She is so responsive!»). If at the same time you understand that you want (and should not) do something good to a person, act. But in general, after you have been helped, it is enough just to say: “Thank you! I really appreciate it!”
4. Fear of seeming weak (poor, inept, stupid …)
We often do not ask for help for fear of being thought badly of us.
What to do
Present your problem as an opportunity to consult with an expert, and yourself as a smart craftsman who needs reliable tools.
Remember who you consider an expert. Perhaps your relative has recently had an examination and can tell you in detail about the mammogram that scares you so much. Perhaps the young genius who lives next door can help improve your poor site. In any case, treat people as experienced professionals — believe me, they will be pleased.
For example: “I remember the last time you were looking for a job, you were called for several interviews at once. You just have a talent! I’m struggling with a cover letter. Can you look over my sketches and give me some suggestions?” Use the phrases: “Can you show me?”, “Can you explain?”, “Can you give me your opinion?”, “I haven’t done this in such a long time, can you remind me?”.
5. Fear of rejection
Burnt in milk, they blow on the water, don’t they? Did someone turn you down when you were in trouble? If you still remember that symbolic “spit in the face”, it is not surprising that you do not want to make new attempts to ask for help.
What to do
First, try to change your attitude towards that bitter lesson. What was the reason for the refusal — in you or in other people? Unfortunately, some people don’t have empathy. Others are afraid, «no matter what happens.» Others only care about themselves. Rejection does not mean that something is wrong with you. It is likely that those whom you dared to disturb have problems. Don’t be discouraged. If the request is justified, another person will respond to it.
Also, the next time you need help, use the decatastrophe technique. Imagine that the fear came true: you were told “no”. How bad is that? Has everything gotten worse? Most likely, «no» means only that your position has not changed.
If you’re still afraid of rejection, admit it so you don’t worry. Any intelligent person will understand your condition and treat you sympathetically. For example: «I’m so embarrassed, but still — can I ask for a favor?»
Asking for help isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. The main thing is to give and receive it with gratitude. Consider it karma. Consider paying up front. Consider that this is a contribution to the common treasury of good.
About the Author: Dr. Ellen Hendriksen is a clinical psychologist and faculty member in the Stanford University School of Medicine.