In appearance, your colleague or friend is successful and happy with life. But what if they’re keeping a shameful secret that you found out about? What if he or she experiences daily physical and emotional abuse in their own family? Psychologist and conflict expert Christine Hammond talks about how to properly behave with the victim of a domestic tyrant and how to help.
Elena is a successful, respected doctor with an excellent reputation. Patients are sympathetic, they just adore her. But, despite all the achievements, she has a shameful secret — under her clothes she hides bruises from beatings. Shortly after the wedding, her husband began to beat her. She was tormented by a terrible sense of shame, and she did not understand how to get away from him, so she stayed with him. Her husband was a doctor no less respected in the city, and none of the outsiders knew about his bullying of his wife. She was afraid that if she told about it, no one would believe her.
Alexander often stayed at work so as not to come home longer. He already knew that if he stayed up late, his wife would get drunk and fall asleep, and he would be able to avoid another drunken scandal, which would probably end in assault. In order to somehow explain the bruises on his body, he began to engage in martial arts — now he could say that he was hit in training. He thought about divorce, but his wife manipulated him, threatening suicide.
Neither Elena nor Alexander are stereotypical victims of domestic violence. And that is why the problem has acquired such proportions in our days. Many victims are tormented by such a strong sense of shame that they hesitate to end the relationship. Often they believe that their partner’s behavior will change for the better over time — just wait. So they wait — for months, for years. The hardest thing for them is the feeling of loneliness — there is no one who understands and supports them. On the contrary, they are often condemned and treated with contempt, which reinforces the feeling of isolation.
If someone in your community is experiencing domestic violence, here’s how you can help:
1. Stay connected
Most of us don’t like phone calls after 10 pm. Unfortunately, domestic violence does not follow a schedule that is convenient for us. If the victim knows that he can always contact you — 24 hours a day, 7 days a week — you become a kind of «lifeline» for him.
2. Be observant
Many victims live in a fog. They constantly “forget” about cases of violence and abuse and remember only the positive aspects of the relationship. This is a natural defense mechanism of the psyche. A faithful friend will always help you remember what really happened, but at the same time he will not remind you of this victim too often, so as not to torment her even more.
3. Don’t judge
Even the smartest, most talented, beautiful, and adventurous people can fall into the trap of dysfunctional relationships. This is not a sign of weakness. Domestic tyrants usually behave insidiously, alternating violence with support and praise, which completely confuses the victim.
4. Don’t ask why
When the victim is «immersed» in a dysfunctional relationship, this is not the time to reflect and look for the reasons for what happened. She must focus entirely on finding a way out of the situation.
5. Agree as much as possible
The last thing a victim of domestic violence needs is unnecessary arguments and proceedings outside the family as well. Of course, you should never approve of retaliatory violence and abuse, but in everything else it is better to agree with the person who seeks your support as often as possible. This will give him a sense of at least some stability.
6. Help in secret from a partner
For example, offer to open a joint bank account so that the victim is not so dependent on the partner financially (many people are afraid to leave for this very reason). Or help find a professional psychologist.
7. Maintain confidence
Domestic tyrants literally “destroy” their victims, and the next day they shower them with compliments, but soon the abuse (physical or emotional) is repeated again. This tactic effectively confuses the victim, who no longer understands what is happening. The best antidote is to constantly encourage the victim, trying to restore his confidence.
8. Be patient
Often the victims leave their tormentor, but soon return again, leave again, and this is repeated many times. During such times, it is very important to be patient while demonstrating unconditional love and support.
9. Make a secret plan
It is important to help a victim of domestic violence find a way out. In case of an “emergency evacuation”, prepare a bag for your friend or loved one with clothes and essentials. Help him decide in advance on a safe place to live for the first time.
10. Be willing to listen
Victims often feel isolated, fearful of being judged by others. They feel like birds in a cage — in plain sight, no way to hide or escape. Yes, it can be difficult to listen to them without judgment, but that’s what they need most.
11. Know the law
Find out when to file a complaint with law enforcement. Tell this to a victim of domestic violence.
12. Provide shelter
It is important to find a place where the tormentor cannot find his victim. She may take refuge with distant relatives or friends, in a shelter for survivors of violence, in a hotel or in a rented apartment.
13. Help to escape
If the victim decides to escape from a domestic tyrant, she will need not only financial, but also moral support. Often victims return to their tormentors only because they have no one else to turn to for help.
Unfortunately, victims of domestic violence often endure abuse for several years before finally leaving. With the help of true friends and a psychotherapist, both Elena and Alexander managed to break off a dysfunctional relationship and restore their mental health. Over time, their lives completely improved, and they both found themselves new, loving partners.
About the Author: Kristin Hammond is a counseling psychologist, conflict resolution expert, and author of The Exhausted Woman’s Handbook, Xulon Press, 2014.