Contents
Sincerity is important in any relationship – both in love and in friendship. Each of us at least sometimes makes mistakes or rash acts, so it is so important to be able to correctly ask for forgiveness and distinguish sincere apologies from insincere ones. How to do it?
“Genuine remorse and apology can restore lost trust, lubricate emotional wounds and restore relationships,” says family therapist Dan Newhart. “But insincere only exacerbate discord.” He identifies 11 varieties of such apologies.
1. “I’m sorry if…”
Such an apology is defective, because the person does not take full responsibility for his words and actions, but only “assumes” that something “could” happen.
examples:
- “I’m sorry if I did something wrong.”
- “I’m sorry if that offended you.”
2. “Well, I’m sorry if you…”
These words shift the blame onto the victim. It’s not an apology at all.
- “Well, I’m sorry if you’re offended.”
- “Well, I’m sorry if you think I did something wrong.”
- “Well, I’m sorry if you feel so bad.”
3. “Sorry, but…”
Such an apology with reservations is not able to heal the emotional trauma inflicted.
- “I’m sorry, but others in your place would not react so violently.”
- “I’m sorry, although many would find it funny.”
- “I’m sorry, although you yourself (a) started (a).”
- “Sorry, I just couldn’t help it.”
- “I’m sorry, although I was partly right after all.”
- “Well, I’m sorry I’m not perfect.”
4. “I just…”
This is a self-justifying apology. The person claims that what they did to hurt you was actually harmless or justified.
- “Yeah, I was just joking.”
- “I just wanted to help.”
- “I just wanted to reassure you.”
- “I just wanted to show you a different point of view.”
5. “I already apologized”
The person devalues their apology by declaring that it is no longer necessary.
- “I already apologized.”
- “I’ve already apologized a million times for that.”
6. “I’m sorry that…”
The interlocutor tries to pass off his regret as an apology, while not accepting responsibility.
- “I’m sorry you’re upset.”
- “I’m sorry that mistakes were made.”
7. “I understand that…”
He tries to minimize the significance of his act and justify himself by not accepting responsibility for the pain he caused you.
- “I know I shouldn’t have done that.”
- “I know I should have asked you first.”
- “I understand that sometimes I act like an elephant in a china shop.”
And another variety: “You know that I…”
He tries to pretend that there is really nothing to apologize for and that you should not be so upset.
- “You know I’m sorry.”
- “You know I didn’t really mean it.”
- “You know I would never hurt you.”
8. “I’m sorry if you…”
In this case, the offender requires you to “pay” something for his apology.
- “I’m sorry if you’re sorry.”
- “I apologize if you promise never to bring this subject up again.”
9. “Probably…”
This is just a hint of an apology, which in fact is not.
- “Perhaps I owe you an apology.”
10. “[Someone] told me to apologize to you”
This is a “foreign” apology. The offender apologizes only because he was asked to, otherwise he would hardly have done it.
- “Your mom told me to apologize to you.”
- “A friend said I owe you an apology.”
11. “Okay! Sorry! Satisfied?”
This “apology” sounds more like a threat in its tone.
- “Yeah, that’s enough! I’ve already apologized!”
- “Stop pestering me! I apologized!”
WHAT SHOULD A FULL APOLOGY SHOULD SOUND?
If a person asks for forgiveness sincerely, he:
- does not put any conditions and does not try to downplay the significance of what happened;
- clearly shows that he understands your feelings and cares about you;
- really repents;
- promises that this will not happen again;
- if appropriate, offers to somehow repair the damage caused.
“Any apology is meaningless if we are not ready to listen carefully to the victim and understand the pain they have caused,” says psychotherapist Harriet Lerner. “He must see that we really understood this, that our sympathy and repentance are sincere, that his pain and resentment are legitimate, that we are ready to do everything possible so that what happened does not happen again.” Why do so many try to get away with insincere apologies? Perhaps they feel like they haven’t really done anything wrong and are just trying to keep the peace in the relationship. Maybe they are ashamed and try their best to avoid these unpleasant feelings.
“If a person almost never apologizes for his mistakes and misconduct, he may have a reduced ability to empathize, or he suffers from low self-esteem or a personality disorder,” says Dan Newhart. Whether it is worth continuing to communicate with such a person is the subject of a separate conversation.
About the Author: Dan Newhart is a family therapist.