Why is it so good to be in love

Let’s explore the alchemy of love: testosterone, luliberin, oxytocin, endorphin… All these substances fill our blood in huge quantities when we meet our chosen one. It is worth falling in love – and our body turns into a laboratory of a crazy chemist.

“We can say that we are biochemical robots,” family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova jokes. We are programmed to procreate. And our body produces the most complex chemicals, the interaction of which will provide the reactions and behaviors that lead to the execution of this program. With the help of consciousness, we cannot control it. After all, procreation is an instinct much more ancient than humanity itself. Therefore, it seems to all lovers that their feelings are no longer subject to them.

First, testosterone is released – the hormone of sexual desire. It is produced in both male and female bodies. Then luliberin – and we are thirsty for mutual touches, caresses, hugs and kisses. Dopamine and norepinephrine cause a burst of energy. If the object of love disappears from sight, the level of dopamine drops – and we feel longing and emptiness. But during orgasm there is a real explosion of endorphins: they radically change the state of consciousness, bringing us into ecstasy and reducing criticality.

We see the whole world in a pink light – and first of all our partner. “This is a gift of nature, very pleasant, but not disinterested: it serves the same instinct of procreation,” Inna Khamitova specifies. — If we intelligently and critically chose those who correspond to our ideas about the ideal, humanity would simply die out. And so – here is a handsome prince right in front of us.

What will happen when we wake up from magical dreams – disappointment is inevitable? Not at all necessary. While our feelings are running amok, our body releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Thanks to him, pleasure turns into a sense of community, which can later turn into deep love.

notice each other

But in order for the alchemical retort of love to seethe, an initial impulse is needed – a meeting with him (her). By what signs do we recognize this person among many others? Sometimes we tend to believe that the meeting happens by chance. And psychologists believe that our unconscious leads us. Someone’s gesture, voice, facial features, posture or gait awaken in us a dormant memory of the very first and deepest emotional connection in our life – the connection with the mother.

“Love is based on a sense of deep identity between yourself and another person,” says transactional analyst Vadim Petrovsky. – And it was already like that in childhood: the child does not feel separate, he is one with his mother. Initially, I do not exist on my own. I’m all in this face that leans towards me. I experience myself through it.”

Lovers often describe the impression of instant recognition that they experienced when they first met, or the feeling that arose shortly after meeting, “as if we had known each other all our lives.” And this is not a metaphor. Recognition does happen. Without realizing it, we fall in love with those who remind us of people who have been with us since we were born.

The image of a father or mother in a future partner

“For a boy, the most important thing is the face of the mother, and so it will be,” Vadim Petrovsky clarifies. The girl’s feelings are changing. Initially, her affection, just like that of a boy, is turned to her mother. But over time, she “retrains” and begins to focus on her father.” If there is no father in the family, his place will be taken either by an adult who replaces him, or by a collective image created on the basis of stories, books, films, meetings with acquaintances.

In some cases, the choice comes from the opposite: we fall in love with those who at first glance are completely different from our parents or even seem to be their complete opposite. However, in any case, the starting point is the mother or father. In addition to appearance, habits, ways of communicating, and views are also important.

“In a family, a person learns certain patterns of behavior and beliefs,” Inna Khamitova develops the idea. – For example, if a mother sacrifices herself for the sake of her father’s career, then with a high probability a girl who grew up in such a family will find a partner similar to her father in order to implement the maternal model of behavior. Matches are not always literal.

Suppose the father is a dedicated scientist. This does not mean that the daughter will marry a scientist. It is quite possible that a businessman devoted to his work, but forgetting about his family, will become her partner. It’s like a dance: we choose a partner who knows the same steps as we do. Who can we dance with?

Idealization of a partner

Despite the fact that we lived without it for many years or even decades, in a few hours or days it becomes vital for us. We treat the partner we have acquired as uncritically as a baby treats its mother – the source of its own existence. It will be a long time before a child starts judging his parents and realizes that they are not perfect. Having fallen in love, we seem to return to early childhood, we lose the ability to reason sensibly, and in return we gain a blissful feeling of found perfection.

We turn a blind eye to the shortcomings of a loved one. We idealize it.

“But one should not think that idealization is bad,” warns Vadim Petrovsky. – To be in love means to discover all the best that is in another person, and sometimes to create. The distance between what is and what could be is not so great. We live in a world of opportunity. I am what I can become. Seeing other person’s virtues, including potential ones, we help him discover opportunities that he had not previously suspected. And due to the fact that we do not really distinguish between him and ourselves (after all, it seems to us that we are a single whole), we discover in ourselves the best that we have or could have.

Where does the feeling “we are one” come from?

When we are in love, reality expands, all contradictions disappear. “Love is the restoration of primary fusion with the world,” explains Vadim Petrovsky. – Reflection isolates the “I” from everything around. Having ceased to reflect under the influence of a strong feeling, we again plunge into a state of unity, indivisibility. The infantile feeling of love for the world and at the same time for ourselves returns to us – after all, the boundaries between me and the world have disappeared, there is no longer a division into “we” and “others”.

We experience the infinity of being, our “I” becomes infinite in time and space. I cannot conceive of myself as far away from the one I am in love with. It would be a rupture within itself.” When lovers promise – out loud or mentally – to love each other forever, there is no lie in this. Indeed, at this moment they really are inside eternity. And therefore the thought of separation is unbearable, like the thought of death.

In Search of the Lost Paradise

But the eternity of love does not remain unchanged. Feelings develop. “Lovers, as it were, against the background of experiencing the absolute, feel the transience of being. As if you had to pay for perfection with a sense of finiteness, transience, – continues Vadim Petrovsky. – At some point, doubts arise: how long will it last? Anxiety visits lovers, any hint of separation is painfully experienced. But despair is followed by hope: maybe everything can be returned!

It is very similar to the relationship between a baby and a mother. Milk, affection, complete unity. Then they part, the child experiences separation, but then he hears the steps of his mother … There is a cycle here, and these cycles are reproduced in the soul of lovers. Pleasure, fear, despair, hope. These are childhood experiences, they have nothing to do with complex interpersonal relationships.

Love reproduces our first emotions. But we never get used to them, each time feeling them as new. Or as real and correct. They make us want to start from scratch. Leave your spouse the next day after meeting someone else? We do it without hesitation! While oxytocin holds us captive, the mind is silent. But one day we will see that the chosen one is different from us in many ways and cannot satisfy absolutely all our needs. What then?

“Either cooling, parting and an empty life before meeting a new “one,” answers Inna Khamitova, “or you have to learn to negotiate, forgive imperfections and rediscover another person in all his dissimilarity to us. Love and infatuation are not the same. There is a love that does not develop into love.

There is also love that does not grow out of falling in love. She has a different beginning: less passion, more responsibility and trust.” Perhaps one could say, fundamentally paraphrasing the well-known aphorism of Leo Tolstoy: we all fall in love in the same way, but we love in different ways.