Why does a child self-harm and how to help him

Teenagers cut themselves or comb their skin until they bleed, bang their heads against the wall, cauterize their skin. All this is done in order to relieve stress, get rid of painful or too strong experiences.

“Studies show that quite a significant number of teenagers engage in self-harm in an attempt to cope with painful emotions,” explains child psychotherapist Vena Wilson.

It is not uncommon for parents to panic when they learn that their child is hurting himself. Hiding dangerous objects, trying to keep him under constant supervision, or thinking about hospitalization in a psychiatric hospital. Some, however, simply ignore the problem, secretly hoping that it will pass by itself.

But all this will not help the child. Vienna Wilson offers 4 actionable steps for parents who discover their child is self-harming.

1. Calm down

Many parents, upon learning of what is happening, feel helpless, they are overcome by guilt, grief and anger. But before talking to the child, it is important to think things over and calm down.

“Self-harm is not a suicide attempt,” emphasizes Vienna Wilson. Therefore, first of all, it is important to calm down, not to panic, to deal with your own experiences, and only then start a conversation with the child.

2. Try to understand the child

You can not start a conversation with accusations, it is better to show that you are trying to understand the child. Ask him in detail. Try to find out how self-harm helps him and for what purpose he does it. Be careful and tactful.

Most likely, the child is very frightened that the parents found out his secret. If you want to get sincere and frank answers, it is best to make it clear to him that you see how scared he is and you are not going to punish him.

But even if you do everything right, the child may close or throw a tantrum, start screaming and crying. He may refuse to talk to you because he is scared or ashamed, or for other reasons. In this case, it is better not to put pressure on him, but to give time — so the teenager will rather decide to tell you everything.

3. Seek professional help

Self-harm is a serious problem. If the child does not yet work with a psychotherapist, try to find a specialist for this particular disorder for him. The therapist will create a safe space for the teenager to learn how to deal with negative emotions in other ways.

Your child needs to know what to do in a crisis. He needs to learn the skills of emotional self-regulation that will be needed in later life. The therapist can also help you deal with possible root causes of self-harm—school problems, mental health problems, and other sources of stress.

In many cases, parents will also benefit from seeking professional help. It is very important not to blame or shame the child, but you should not blame yourself either.

4. Set an example of healthy self-regulation

When you find it difficult or bad, don’t be afraid to demonstrate it in front of your child (at least on the level at which he is able to understand it). Express emotions in words and show how you manage to deal with them effectively. Perhaps in such cases you need to be alone for some time or even cry. Children see it and learn the lesson.

By setting an example of healthy emotional self-regulation, you are actively helping your child break the dangerous habit of self-harm.

Recovery is a slow process and will take time and patience. Fortunately, as a teenager matures physiologically and neurologically, his nervous system will become more mature. Emotions will no longer be so violent and unstable, and it will be much easier to deal with them.

“Adolescents with a tendency to self-harm can get rid of this unhealthy habit, especially if parents, having learned about it, can remain calm, treat the child with sincere understanding and care, and find a good psychotherapist for him,” says Vena Wilson.

About the author: Vena Wilson is a child psychotherapist.