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Many fall into this trap. Hundreds of successful events are crossed out by one failure — as if they never happened at all. Why is this happening and can it be changed?
In the material world, most of the facts do not give us any doubt. We know that snow and rain fall down, not up. The stop sign is red, not green. But when it comes to relationships between people, a lot depends on our interpretation of what is happening.
The boss tells us «well done», and we immediately wonder why he did not say «excellent». Someone is looking in our direction, and obvious irritation is read on his face — and now we are already sure that he is angry with us, no other explanation seems convincing.
Why is this happening?
Due to a distorted perception of reality, we jump to conclusions, «read the minds» of other people and immediately choose the worst possible explanation from all possible explanations.
“Often, without realizing it, we automatically downplay our achievements and exaggerate our failures. Unfortunately, it’s hard to notice,” explains Luana Marquez, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School.
Is it possible to learn to see the world more clearly and balanced? Yes, but it will take practice and a willingness to overcome difficulties. And first of all, it is important to realize and acknowledge the existence of the problem.
Our brain tries to process incoming information as quickly as possible, and for this it “filters” what it considers unnecessary. If you are convinced that you are good for nothing, all the words and actions of others that confirm this belief only make it easier for your brain to work.
“Our brain does not want to waste energy trying to challenge these claims. Therefore, he makes mistakes related to the distortion of thinking. If something provokes anxiety (for example, someone’s curious look or comment), the limbic system of the brain is activated, and our body goes into “danger mode” (the “fight or flight” reaction), all attention is focused on the “threat”, turns off creative thinking and we are no longer able to look for other, more harmless, explanations for what is happening, ”explains Marquez.
Often there is no real threat to us. We compose it ourselves, doubting our abilities and downplaying our achievements.
What can be done about it?
To begin with, to determine where the distortion of thinking occurs.
Here are some common types of distortion:
catastrophic thinking. We «make a molehill out of a fly», imagining the worst possible outcome.
Black and white thinking. “Either all or nothing”, “Either an enemy or a friend” — other options are not considered.
Quickly conclusions. We are immediately sure that we know how it will end.
«Mind Reading». We “know” what others think, even without any evidence.
Almost all of us have a “favorite” thinking mistake that we make the most. Try to define yours.
In a stressful moment, try to correctly assess your emotional state. How stressed are you? Are you sweating? Heart pounding? Breathless? This helps to bring attention back to the present moment and to realize what exactly caused such a reaction. Suppose you realized that you were trying to predict the outcome of the situation in advance. In fact, you do not know how it will end, so there is a distortion of thinking.
How to deal with thinking errors?
Whatever the distortion of thinking, in order to correct it, it is important to first check the facts. If after your boss’s comment you can’t figure out how he really feels about you, ask yourself, “What did he really say? What does he say about others? Have I received promotions, bonuses, pay raises? Do they trust me with important tasks and projects?”
The insidiousness of the distortions of thinking is that there is some truth in them. A colleague who is angry with you may actually look at you with dislike. The one who is offended by you will really not respond to your messages. “In situations like this, try to find five other reasons why this person might behave this way. An exercise like this engages your prefrontal cortex, thereby getting you out of danger mode and allowing you to take a broader view of the situation,” explains Luana Marquez.
The key question to ask yourself is: Is this way of thinking good for me? Perhaps you will understand that all your doubts and torments do not give you anything but unnecessary anxiety. This awareness may be enough for change.
Be kind to yourself
As you analyze your thinking errors, think about how you feel about yourself. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism, but instead, try to talk to yourself like you’re trying to support a close friend or child—sympathetically, caringly, without swearing or insulting you.
This approach will help you look at the situation from a distance, as if from the outside. “You will stop focusing on yourself and see reality more clearly – like wiping your glasses from dirt,” says Marquez.
Remember that you should not rush from one extreme to another and try to inflate your self-esteem to an inadequate level. Your goal is to correct the distortions in thinking. This process is much like meditation: you become aware of the existence of these distortions, and then gently release them.