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How do you see yourself today? Are you satisfied with what you see in the mirror, or do you seem almost a stranger to yourself? Psychoanalyst Juan David Nazio helps us understand the complex relationship we have with our image.
“Sometimes I have a desire to look at myself through the eyes of others in order to understand how they see me. As for me, I recognize myself only in the reflection in the mirror that I see every day in the bathroom, going to work. But I don’t recognize myself in the photographs, and it seems to me that an unfamiliar girl is in them instead of me. The same thing happens when I watch rare videos with my participation — I can hardly believe that this is my voice, face and gestures, ”writes 30-year-old Giovanna.
Why do we never see ourselves as we really are? Why is it so difficult to find yourself in that image of us that an outsider captures?
I’ll tell you the good news right away: our self-image is in any case erroneous, because it is distorted by our emotions, childhood memories and the view of other people from the outside. Often we see only our shortcomings, sometimes we even invent them ourselves.
What to do? Analyze the fantasies with which we surround this representation.
An image animated by sensations
The idea of our body and appearance as something «made» is not only visual: it is shaped by our lives, filled with emotions, deformed by fantasies. It is a construction in three dimensions, inextricably linked to our history.
To explain the concept that each of us has about our body, I suggest the following exercise: close your eyes and remember the moment you last looked in the mirror this morning before leaving the house. How did you see yourself? Cute or tired? Full of energy or below the plinth?
These simple observations say that the way we imagine ourselves is not limited to the factor of appearance, but consists of a huge number of sensations that refer to our vital energy, mood and how we feel at the moment. Among the various sensations, there are the most frequent ones that make us feel tense or, conversely, relaxed and contented.
The representation of each of us about ourselves, which is based on our deep «I», is not an appearance, but an essence.
Each of us has a two-level self-image: visual and sensory. The first is based on sight, the second comes from feelings. And no matter how hard we try to abstract from appearance in order to make room for our inner world, this matter will not be as simple as it seems.
Each of us’s idea of ourselves, which is based on our deepest self, is not an appearance, but an essence.
bodily memory
The brain of an embryo is not developed enough to have any idea about its own body. Nevertheless, he hears the voices around him, periodically sucks his thumb, reacts to light and maternal movements. Everything that he experiences is translated into mental images, which are slowly transformed into the perception of existence.
When we become adults, the knowledge we have about ourselves is the result of the totality of all these sensations: those that we naturally have now, and those that come from the time when we were in the womb, when we caressed and loved, or when we felt fear and suffered.
The events of the past have left a mark on the person we are now and affect our relationship with ourselves. That is why our unconscious representation of the body is, first of all, a memory for which we have gone through love and pain and because of which we cannot look at our real selves.
Warped perception
There is nothing strange in the fact that some beautiful girls do not realize their beauty: our idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthemselves does not match reality. Based on our unconscious perception, this representation by definition becomes subjective and over time is increasingly influenced by our emotions and perspective.
And even our «I» is based on this image, and it remains all the more deceptive, turning into a source of misunderstanding and long torment.
There is no way to solve this problem: after all, the first thing we pay attention to when looking at ourselves is our body. And, although we try to remake it, the expression of our individuality remains unchanged.
face in reflection
We pay the most attention to the face, and it is also our most vulnerable spot.
It is an extremely important part of us that makes us unique, both in our own eyes and in the eyes of others. Moreover: this is the part of the body that best expresses emotions and everything that happens on an unconscious level.
The mere thought that the face might be disfigured overcomes the fear of any other physical problem. That is why any plastic surgery is often a source of anxiety.
Even if we like the new face and the idea of permanently getting rid of an unloved defect of appearance seems to us a tempting prospect, the patient still has to make an effort to regain his own personality, since it is born and built on the daily habit of looking at himself in the mirror.
The elusive part of us
Despite how much effort we make to disguise or, conversely, emphasize the dignity of our appearance, there is a part of us that is not subject to control.
Our body can speak, gestures, posture, voice timbre — all this sends, despite ourselves, invisible signals. What we express without our knowledge is due to the unconscious image that each of us has formed about ourselves and which, no matter what, influences our manners. This is where a proud posture comes from when we are confident in ourselves, or how we shrink into a ball when life’s difficulties are crushing …
We must teach our children to love their flaws.
Our environment picks up this silent language and on its basis forms an opinion not only about our personality, our vitality, but also about our problems. When we want to appear beautiful, we care about appearance to mask inner feelings.
However, at the moment when the “protection” breaks through, in order to overcome our complexes, we must join not in the image that we present to everyone around, but in the one that each of us has in relation to ourselves. Its superficial change does not alleviate suffering or heal wounds.
We must teach our children to love their flaws so that they can accept themselves and love themselves for who they are. It is necessary to tell them that they are beautiful, but without exaggerating, so as not to make them unfamiliar with their own idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthemselves. It is important to stimulate in them the ability to perceive what they live inside their body.