Why can’t I feel anything?

«And how do you think I should feel?» — with this question, my 37-year-old friend Lina completed the story of how she quarreled with her husband when he accused her of stupidity and laziness. I thought about it (the word “should” does not fit well with feelings) and carefully asked: “What do you feel?” It was my friend’s turn to think. After a pause, she said in surprise: “It seems nothing. Does that happen to you?»

Of course it does! But not when we quarrel with my husband. What I feel at such moments, I know for sure: resentment and anger. And sometimes fear, because I imagine that we will not be able to make peace, and then we will have to part, and this thought scares me. But I remember very well that when I worked on television and my boss shouted loudly at me, I absolutely did not feel anything. Just zero emotion. I was even proud of it. Although it is difficult to call this feeling pleasant.

“No emotion at all? It doesn’t happen! objected the family psychologist Elena Ulitova. Emotions are the body’s reaction to changes in the environment. It affects both bodily sensations, and self-image, and understanding of the situation. An angry husband or boss is a fairly significant change in the environment, it cannot go unnoticed. Then why don’t emotions arise? “We lose contact with our feelings, and therefore it seems to us that there are no feelings,” the psychologist explains.

So we just don’t feel anything? “Not so,” Elena Ulitova corrects me again. We feel something and can understand it by following the reactions of our body. Has your breathing increased? Forehead covered with perspiration? Were there tears in your eyes? Hands clenched into fists or legs numb? Your body is screaming, «Danger!» But you do not pass this signal into consciousness, where it could be correlated with past experience and called words. Therefore, subjectively, you experience this complex state, when the reactions that have arisen encounter a barrier on the way to their awareness, as the absence of feelings. Why is this happening?

Too much luxury

It is probably more difficult for a person who is attentive to his feelings to step over “I don’t want”? “Obviously, feelings should not be the only basis for making decisions,” clarifies existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “But in tough times, when parents don’t have time to listen to their feelings, kids get a hidden message: “This is a dangerous topic, it can ruin our lives.”

One of the causes of insensitivity is lack of training. Understanding your feelings is a skill that may never be developed.

“For this, a child needs the support of his parents,” Svetlana Krivtsova points out, “but if he receives a signal from them that his feelings are not important, they do not decide anything, they are not taken into account, then he stops feeling, that is, he ceases to be aware of his feelings.”

Of course, adults do not do this maliciously: “This is the peculiarity of our history: for entire periods, society was guided by the principle “not to fat, if I were alive.” In a situation where you have to survive, feelings are a luxury. If we feel, we may be ineffective, not doing what we need to do.”

The lack of time and parental strength leads to the fact that we inherit this strange insensitivity. “Other models fail to assimilate,” the therapist regrets. “As soon as we begin to relax a little, the crisis, default, and ultimately fear again force us to group up and broadcast the “do what you must” model as the only correct one.”

Even a simple question: “Do you want a pie?” for some it is a feeling of emptiness: «I don’t know.» That’s why it’s important for parents to ask questions («Does it taste good to you?») and honestly describe what’s going on with the child («You’ve got a fever», «I think you’re scared», «You might like this») and with others. (“Dad gets angry”).

Dictionary Oddities

Parents build the foundations of a vocabulary that, over time, will allow children to describe and understand their experiences. Later, children will compare their experiences with the stories of other people, with what they see in films and read in books … There are forbidden words in our inherited vocabulary that are better not to use. This is how family programming works: some experiences are approved, others are not.

“Each family has its own programs,” continues Elena Ulitova, “they may also differ depending on the gender of the child. Boys are often forbidden everything that is associated with weakness: sadness, resentment, fatigue, tenderness, pity, fear. But anger, joy, especially the joy of victory are allowed. In girls, it’s more often the other way around – resentment is allowed, anger is forbidden.”

In addition to prohibitions, there are also prescriptions: girls are prescribed patience. And they forbid, accordingly, to complain, to talk about their pain. “My grandmother liked to repeat: “God endured and commanded us,” recalls 50-year-old Olga. — And the mother proudly told that during the birth she «did not make a sound.» When I gave birth to my first son, I tried not to scream, but I did not succeed, and I was ashamed that I did not meet the “set bar”.

Call by their names

By analogy with the way of thinking, each of us has our own «way of feeling» associated with the belief system. “I have the right to some feelings, but not to others, or I have the right only under certain conditions,” explains Elena Ulitova. — For example, you can be angry with a child if he is guilty. And if I believe that he is not to blame, my anger can be forced out or change direction. It can be directed at yourself: «I’m a bad mother!» All mothers are like mothers, but I can’t comfort my own child.

Anger can hide behind resentment — everyone has normal children, but I got this one, yelling and yelling. “The creator of transactional analysis, Eric Berne, believed that feelings of resentment did not exist at all,” recalls Elena Ulitova. — This is a «racket» feeling; we need it to use it to force others to do what we want. I’m offended, so you should feel guilty and somehow make amends.”

We are able not only to replace some feelings with others, but also to shift the range of experiences on a plus-minus scale. “One day I suddenly realized that I didn’t feel joy,” admits 22-year-old Denis, “it snowed, and I think:“ It will become slushy, it will be slushy. The day began to increase, I think: “How long to wait, so that it becomes noticeable!”

Our “image of feelings” indeed often gravitates towards joy or sadness. “The reasons may be different, including a lack of vitamins or hormones,” says Elena Ulitova, “but often this condition occurs as a result of upbringing. Then, after realizing the situation, the next step is to give yourself permission to feel.

It’s not about having more «good» feelings. The ability to experience sadness is just as important as the ability to rejoice. It is about expanding the spectrum of experiences. Then we won’t have to invent «pseudonyms», and we will be able to call feelings by their proper names.

Too strong emotions

It would be wrong to think that the ability to «turn off» feelings always arises as a mistake, a defect. Sometimes she helps us. At the moment of mortal danger, many experience numbness, up to the illusion that «I’m not here» or «everything is happening not to me.» Some «feel nothing» immediately after the loss, left alone after separation or death of a loved one.

“Here it is not the feeling as such that is forbidden, but the intensity of this feeling,” explains Elena Ulitova. “A strong experience causes a strong excitation, which in turn includes a protective inhibition.” This is how the mechanisms of the unconscious work: the unbearable is repressed. Over time, the situation will become less acute, and the feeling will begin to manifest itself.

We may be afraid that some strong feeling will overwhelm us if we let it out and we will not be able to cope with it. “I once broke a chair in a rage and now I am sure that I can cause real harm to the person with whom I am angry. Therefore, I try to be restrained and not give vent to anger, ”admits 32-year-old Andrei.

“I have a rule: don’t fall in love,” says 42-year-old Maria. “Once I fell in love with a man without memory, and he, of course, broke my heart. Therefore, I avoid attachments and am happy.” Maybe it’s not bad if we give up feelings that are unbearable for us?

Why feel

The mechanism for disconnecting from emotions is provided for emergency situations, it is not designed for long-term use. If we constantly suppress one feeling, then others weaken, shades are lost, emotional life becomes monotonous. “Emotions testify that we are alive,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. — Without them it is difficult to make a choice, to understand the feelings of other people, which means it is difficult to communicate. Yes, and the experience of emotional emptiness in itself is painful. Therefore, it is better to re-establish contact with «lost» feelings as soon as possible.

So the question «How should I feel?» better than a simple «I don’t feel anything.» And, surprisingly, there is an answer to it — “sadness, fear, anger or joy.” Psychologists argue about how many «basic feelings» we have. Some include in this list, for example, self-esteem, which is considered innate. But everyone agrees about the aforementioned four: these are feelings that are inherent in us by nature.

So I will suggest that Lina correlate her condition with one of the basic feelings. Something tells me that she will choose neither sadness nor joy. As in my story with the boss, I can now admit to myself that I felt anger at the same time as a strong fear that prevented anger from manifesting.