A complete family, prosperity, enough of everything — food, toys, clothes. And suddenly the child stole someone else’s thing or money. Parents wonder what they did wrong. Why do children steal and what to do in such a situation?
When I am approached by parents whose child has committed a theft, the first thing I ask is: “How old is he?” Sometimes the answer is enough to understand how to proceed.
Age age strife
Until 3-4 years old, children do not delimit the world into “mine” and “someone else’s”. They shamelessly take a scoop from a neighbor in the sandbox or things from someone else’s bag. Kids do not evaluate their act as bad. For parents, this is an occasion to talk in an accessible form about the boundaries — their own and other people, about what is good and what is bad. This conversation will have to be repeated more than once — it is difficult for young children to comprehend such abstract concepts.
By the age of 5-6, children already know that stealing is bad. But at this age, the parts of the brain responsible for self-control and will have not yet been formed. The Stanford experiment with marshmallows showed that the only thing that keeps a five-year-old child from taking a forbidden sweet from the table is fear of punishment. And if no one notices the kidnapping, then he may not control himself and take what he wants. At this age, consciousness is still only maturing.
By the age of 6-7, children already regulate their behavior and follow social rules. The strength of attachment to your adult is also already mature: it is important for a child to be significant and loved. Bad behavior puts relationships at risk. At the same time, the place that he occupies among his peers becomes important to the child. And the motive for stealing may be envy of other children.
In no case do not call the child a thief — do not hang labels, even if you are very angry
But there are children who, even by the age of 8, still experience difficulties with self-control. It is difficult for them to control their desires, to sit still, concentrating on one lesson. This can happen due to the innate structure of the psyche or against the background of stressful situations.
In schoolchildren older than 8 years, the concepts of “own” and “alien”, “good” and “bad” have already been formed, and episodes of theft are extremely rare. This can happen if the development of the volitional sphere lags behind the age norm — for physiological reasons or because of difficult life circumstances. Or because of the pedagogical mistakes of parents, such as overprotection and condoning parenting style. But even given in to his desire to take someone else’s, the child will feel acute shame and deny what happened.
At 12-15 years old, stealing is already a conscious step, and maybe an ingrained habit. Teenagers are well aware of the norms of decency, but it is difficult for them to control their behavior — they are driven by emotions, they are affected by hormonal changes. Often teenagers steal under the pressure of the company to prove their courage and be accepted by their peers.
Why do children take someone else’s
It is not the poverty of the family that pushes the child to steal. Children from well-to-do families, without experiencing a shortage of anything, also steal. What is lacking in a child who commits such an act?
Lack of awareness and life experience
This is the most harmless reason. The child simply did not think that the owner of the stolen would be offended. Or he decided to surprise someone and took money from his parents — he could not ask, otherwise the surprise would not have happened. Most often, for this reason, someone else is appropriated by children under 5 years old.
Lack of morality, morality and will
Children of 6-7 years old steal out of envy or out of a desire to assert themselves, to gain recognition from their peers. Teenagers can commit theft for the same reason, protesting against the established rules, demonstrating their impudence and defiance.
Lack of attention and love of parents
Theft can become the «cry of the soul» of a child who lacks a warm relationship in the family. Often, children growing up in such conditions have other features: aggressiveness, tearfulness, irascibility, a tendency to disobedience and conflict.
Anxiety and trying to calm her down
When the child’s needs are not noticed for a long time, they are not satisfied, he ceases to trust his feelings, desires and loses contact with the body. Anxiety grows. While stealing, he does not realize what he is doing. After the theft, the anxiety will subside, but then it will return, exacerbated by guilt.
Peers and older children can force a child to steal: to prove that he is not a coward
If the situation is complicated by the high sensitivity of the child, a recent move, the birth of the younger ones, the beginning of schooling, the loss of loved ones, then anxiety intensifies many times and can result in neurosis. Against this background, the child does not control his impulsiveness.
There are no clear rules in the family
Children copy the behavior of adults. And they don’t understand why mom can take a wallet from dad from his pocket, but they can’t? It is worth regularly discussing how the family treats their own and other people’s borders and property. Is it possible to download movies and music from pirate sites, bring stationery from work, pick up a lost wallet or phone and not look for the owner. If you do not talk about this with the child, giving examples that are understandable to him, then he will act to the best of his understanding of what is right.
Lack of adult support and low self-esteem
Peers and older children can force a child to steal: to prove that he is not a coward, he deserves the right to be part of the company. It is important how much the child trusts adults. If more often parents criticize and blame him, without delving into the situation, then he does not count on their protection. And having stolen under pressure once, children risk becoming victims of blackmail and extortion.
Mental Health Issues
The most difficult, but also the most rare factor in children is such a psychological disorder as kleptomania. This is a pathological attraction to theft. The stolen item may not be needed or valuable. A person can spoil it, give it away for free, or hide it and never use it. A psychiatrist works with this condition.
How to respond as an adult
Parents whose child took someone else’s, in confusion and despair, fear for his future. Of course, they didn’t teach him that. And how to react is not clear.
What to do?
- Do not rush to punish the child in order to «forever discourage stealing.» You need to fix the root of the problem. Try to understand why the child did this. Much depends on its age, the motives for the theft, further plans for the stolen and the relationship with its owner.
- It is important how the fact of the theft was discovered: by accident or by the child himself. It is also important how he relates to the act: does he think that everything is in the order of things, or is he ashamed, does he repent? In one case, you need to try to awaken the conscience of the child, in the other — to explain why he acted badly.
- In no case do not call the child a thief — do not hang labels, even if you are very angry! Do not threaten the police, do not promise a criminal future. He must feel that he is still worthy of a good relationship.
- Condemn the act itself, but not the child. The main thing is not to cause a feeling of guilt, but to explain what the one who has lost his property feels and show possible ways out of the situation.
- It’s good to give the child a chance to fix everything himself: return the thing, apologize. Don’t do it for him. If shame binds him, help him return the thing without witnesses.
- If there is no remorse, you must clearly express your disapproval. Make it clear that such an act is unacceptable in your family. At the same time, it is important to calmly broadcast to the child: you believe that he will not do this again.
- If your child needs help with psychological problems, contact a specialist. Determine what is causing his anxiety, and try to reduce it, at least partially satisfying his needs.
- In a conflict with peers, take the side of the child. Reassure him that you will not let him be offended, and offer to find a way out of the situation together.
- Strengthen your child’s self-confidence. For a month after the episode, note and emphasize what he does well and don’t fixate on what he doesn’t.
If a child has appropriated someone else’s, do not panic. Most likely, after one detailed conversation about norms and values, about the desires of the child and your relationships in the family, this will not happen again.
Even if you understand that the reason is in the educational mistakes you made, do not scold yourself. Just accept this fact and change the situation. Stick to the rule: «Responsibility must be without guilt.»