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He or she talks about his new love with burning eyes, and you become more and more anxious? Your intuition says: a loved one is in danger! But you won’t get through to him while he is fascinated by a new partner. How to be?
The charm of a tyrant acts on the victim of an abusive relationship like a mild anesthesia. In the adrenaline frenzy of love, she does not feel pain, does not see trouble, cannot adequately assess the situation.
But close victims recognize the threat faster. The abuser’s charms affect them less, and they feel a loss: the person they knew and loved becomes different in these relationships, loses himself and his former life. How can you help a friend or family member in this situation?
How to understand that a loved one has entered into a relationship with an abuser
Both men and women can be abusers. Violence does not occur immediately: the victim is first tamed with charm and care. A single episode does not indicate the presence of the phenomenon. Therefore, it is possible to understand that a loved one is stuck in the web of abuse only by a combination of signals.
Humiliation and criticism begin with light banter and grow into hard sarcasm and public ridicule. Attempts to defend the boundaries are broken by bewilderment: where is your sense of humor? This is how the abuser destroys the victim’s self-esteem.
brutal control easy to confuse with care at first. The abuser envelops with attention, but in fact — subjugates all areas of the victim’s life and controls every step.
social isolation. The abuser creates a communication vacuum around the victim: he tries to quarrel with friends and relatives, asks to leave work, does not approve of personal interests and hobbies. These are obvious signals, but there are also hidden ones.
The tyrant demonstrates coldness and ignorance, outbursts of rage, in which the victim is always to blame, because he “brought it down”. Imposes a feeling of guilt on the victim and devalues her: “worthless, inept, unrealized” — no one needs this, and the abuser “benefited” her. Gradually, the victim loses the right to vote, his own value, freedom and life.
Relatives suffer and want to return a loved one, but often do not know how to do it.
Rules of help with abuse
Rescuing a loved one from an abusive relationship starts with ourselves. We evaluate: will our authority be enough for a person to open up to us?
Relatives often do not understand why the victim of abuse does not want to listen to them and perceives all attempts to reveal the truth to her with hostility. She simply did not allow them to interfere in her life, but she gave such a right to the abuser, whose weight is extremely significant for her. To influence a person, you need authority and trust.
Further, we sensibly assess our own capabilities: to what extent and for how long we are ready to help a loved one without harming our own lives. Getting out of a toxic relationship is a long and painful process, and real and long-term support is needed. It is impossible to declare help and stop halfway.
We designate goals: we help the victim restore internal supports, self-esteem and social ties, which means that under any circumstances we respect her boundaries and decisions. And when we have weighed everything and realized, we begin to help step by step.
- Step one: acceptance. Our message should always be: «I understand you.» We share a similar situation from personal experience and show that we hear and share the pain of a person. And maybe then he will open up for communication.
- Step two: a real look. We offer a look at the facts and specific situations in which injustice and disadvantage are manifested.
- Step three: involvement in the decision-making process. We create conditions for a person to draw his own conclusions and look for solutions himself.
- Step four: real help. We ask: do you need help and what kind? We have prepared and understand the nature, scope and possible timing of support. For example, for six months on specific days and hours to sit with the child.
- Step five: the opportunity to be there. “I will support you” — we let you know that we are ready to go through this difficult path together with a person.
But what cannot be done is to put pressure on and demand instant changes from a person. The road to yourself is long and difficult, and it is better to go along it with the help of professional psychotherapeutic support. And the task of relatives is to be near.