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From women, one often hears lamentations that real men have disappeared. But maybe there are not fewer of them – it’s just that our contemporaries do not recognize them? We asked experts to describe the elusive hero of our time.
Nowadays, more and more attention is paid to the harm that gender stereotypes cause to both women and men, how they affect their choice of life path, relationships and the psyche in general. Nevertheless, it is too early to say that people have stopped thinking in labels and patterns. We can still hear statements like “You have to grow up to be a real man,” “I will only marry a real man,” or “A real man won’t do that.”
These statements are not far removed from the idea of a man – a provider and an ideal lover who does not feel pain and does not allow himself to cry. It sounds as if this is some kind of mythical person, a hero from a literary work or film. What about in reality?
In 2013, a marketing agency conducted a study on gender ideals. Each participant in the survey had to choose from ten qualities three that he considers the most important in the opposite sex. Unlike men, whose answers were mostly the same, women turned out to be a fairly average portrait of an ideal companion.
The top 3 features included: determination and firmness of character, the ability to earn a lot, attention and sensitivity. Interestingly, when the men themselves were asked what set of qualities they consider ideal for their gender, the ability to earn a lot took first place, determination and firmness of character second, but attentiveness and sensitivity went to seventh.
So what is a real man like? Experts say.
“He’s sexy and wise”
Igor Kon — sociologist, anthropologist, sexologist
The myth of a real man is the most harmful of all. It gives the right to some men to dominate over others. But after all, all men, like all women, are real! The talk that a real man is a warrior and a protector is nonsense. Our civilization was created not at all by warriors, but by plowmen, of whom there were many more.
In addition, in the history of mankind there has never been a single canon of masculinity. Although his symbols at all times were the phallus and the logos. Simply put, a real man must be highly sexual and wise at the same time. But all cultures have emphasized that these qualities are rarely combined in the same person. In other words, all men are different, that’s why they are interesting.
“He embraces his feminine side”
Madina Slutskaya – clinical psychologist, Jungian analyst
Intelligence, strength, restraint – these are the qualities we traditionally bring up in boys, and emotionality, openness, sentimentality seem to be feminine traits, and therefore unacceptable for a man. But we are mistaken, because in every man (as in every woman) the masculine and feminine are always combined.
Carl Gustav Jung was sure that the integrity of a man, the feeling of his own inner strength and wisdom are determined, among other things, by how much he is able to accept his feminine principle (his anima) in himself. So a real man is one in whom the masculine and feminine principles are not in eternal struggle, but in balance and cooperation.
“He is independent and responsible”
Boris Dubin is a sociologist and literary scholar
I call real men who are independent and at the same time understand their connection with other people. They are ready to take responsibility, and not to shift it to others. They are attentive to life, to people, honest with themselves and with others. They keep their word and appreciate the deed. Such men have always been few. Because they lived and live in spite of. There are more of them only when society really needs them.”