When conflicts with friends are beneficial

Have you become friends with someone on social media or banned a couple of friends because of political differences? Such an act is not uncommon today. Silencing someone on the Internet whose views we find offensive or unpleasant can be done with the click of a button. What about offline friendship? How do you deal with conflict in real relationships?

Over the years, I have observed how the presence or absence of a stable friendship has a direct impact on personal well-being. Friendships, from first crushes in kindergarten to sleepovers in high school, are the cornerstone of the human experience. But sometimes disputes and disagreements lead to a break with those people on whom we counted the most. As someone who has always tried to avoid confrontation, I have come to appreciate the process of resolving conflict in a relationship.

Sharp political events can divide people especially strongly. Many of us break off relationships with those friends and even close friends whose views contradict their own. Instead of listening and trying to perceive the other person’s point of view, they cut off communication and become even more rooted in their own views and beliefs.

We tend to surround ourselves with people who support our position. But it is important to understand a simple thing: to notice and take into account someone else’s point of view does not mean accepting it as the truth. We only recognize this person as a unique individual, whose life experience and value system have formed a worldview that is different from ours. Sometimes the differences of opinion are greater than we can bear. But quite often other people’s views challenge our thinking. And as a result, one’s own point of view is changed or enriched. This can strengthen friendships.

While the number of single people around the world is on the rise, it would be wise to take an inventory of personal connections. As you do this, you are likely to find that ideas about what is good for friendship and what is bad make it difficult to build meaningful relationships. I will say for sure: too strong negative feelings in friendship are toxic and destructive.

When you notice such harmful dynamics, make the necessary adjustments, even if it means cutting off communication. But try not to be fooled: while conflicting relationships can be unhealthy, conflict itself is not dangerous. In fact, a relationship that allows for different opinions and points of view creates the basis for a strong and lasting friendship. The main thing is to identify the cause and essence of the conflict and analyze its role.

There are five valuable features of fighting with friends that can strengthen friendships and promote personal growth.

Conflicts with friends…

…challenge long held beliefs

The fact that you believe in something does not mean that the belief is true. Many beliefs are formed in childhood. Often, as adults, we automatically include them in our system of ideas without reassessing them. When a friend unexpectedly challenges the truth on which we have relied all our lives, we may feel hurt and even offended. But if we cope with the discomfort so much that we are able to hear and accept this challenge, we will get a new, very valuable experience.

…develop problem solving skills

This is a very important life skill. At my daughters’ school, «peace talks» are being held between students whose relationships are at an impasse. The ability to resolve conflict situations will definitely make their future life easier, help them cope with difficult situations at home, at work and in personal relationships.

… are forced to face the shortcomings of their own thinking

As well as restrictions, delusions. Sometimes we may actually hold a point of view or belief that is based on inaccurate facts. And then an external observer can point out to us these pitfalls and errors of thinking. A good friend will do this in a respectful way, caring about our emotions. Its purpose is to clarify misconceptions, not to shame or devalue our experience.

…allow you to be honest in intimate relationships

True friendship involves complete trust, it is a bond in which we are allowed to be ourselves — authentic and whole. In such a relationship, everyone can express what they think is right, and feel at the same time in a safe space. If you or a friend disagrees, you can always express your opinion respectfully and tactfully.

…help develop empathy

Close communication with a person who is not like us requires the skill of empathy. Empathy is the experience of empathizing with the thoughts, ideas, and/or feelings of others. It is the ability to perceive and accept them without judgment. By connecting some part of the inner experience with the experience of a friend, you better understand his reality. This directly affects your interaction.

Friendship is a difficult but essential part of life. More often than not, we expect friendships to be moments of togetherness filled with laughter and joy. But it is also worth foreseeing the complications that one has to deal with when resolving controversial, conflict situations.

Consider this

Social networks and media, opening up access to new acquaintances, can also isolate from diverse contacts, closing on those groups that best reflect our ideas and beliefs. It may be worth making a conscious effort to focus on interacting with friends who have different experiences and views that bear little resemblance to ours.