When a child is a trophy

There are many reasons why one of the children is the favorite, but the main one can be singled out — the “favorite” is more like a mother. Imagine an anxious and withdrawn woman who has two children — one quiet and obedient, the second energetic, excitable, constantly trying to break restrictions. Which of them will be easier for her to educate?

It also happens that parents have different attitudes towards children at different stages of development. For example, it is easier for a domineering and authoritarian mother to raise a very small child, because the older one is already able to disagree and argue. Therefore, the youngest child often becomes mother’s «favorite». But often this is only a temporary position.

“In the earliest photographs, my mother holds me like a shining china doll. She is not looking at me, but directly into the lens, because in this photo she shows off the most valuable of her belongings. I’m like a purebred puppy to her. Everywhere she is dressed with a needle — a huge bow, an elegant dress, white shoes. I remember these shoes well — I had to make sure that there was not a spot on them all the time, they had to be in perfect condition. True, later I began to show independence and, even worse, became like my father, and my mother was very unhappy with this. She made it clear that I did not grow up the way she wanted and expected. And I lost my place in the sun.»

Not all mothers fall into this trap.

“Looking back, I realize that my mom had a lot more trouble with my older sister. She needed help all the time, but I didn’t. Then no one knew yet that she had obsessive-compulsive disorder, this diagnosis was made to her already in adulthood, but that was precisely the point. But in all other respects, my mother tried to treat us equally. Although she didn’t spend as much time with me as she did with her sister, I never felt unfairly treated.»

But this does not happen in all families, especially when it comes to a mother with a penchant for control or narcissistic traits. In such families, the child is seen as an extension of the mother herself. As a result, relationships develop according to fairly predictable patterns. One of them I call the «trophy baby».

First, let’s talk in more detail about the different attitudes of parents towards children.

The effect of unequal treatment

It is hardly surprising that children are extremely sensitive to any unequal treatment from their parents. Another thing is noteworthy — the rivalry between brothers and sisters, which is considered a “normal” phenomenon, can have a completely abnormal effect on children, especially if unequal treatment from parents is also added to this “cocktail”.

Research by psychologists Judy Dunn and Robert Plomin has shown that children are often more influenced by their parents’ attitudes toward siblings than they are toward themselves. According to them, «if a child sees that the mother shows more love and care for his brother or sister, this can devalue for him even the love and care that she shows to him.»

Humans are biologically programmed to respond more strongly to potential dangers and threats. We remember negative experiences better than joyful and happy ones. That is why it can be easier to remember how mom literally beamed with joy, hugging your brother or sister — and how deprived we felt at the same time, than those times when she smiled at you and seemed to be pleased with you. For the same reason, swearing, insults and ridicule from one of the parents are not compensated by the good attitude of the second.

Unequal attitude on the part of parents has many negative effects on the child — self-esteem decreases, a habit of self-criticism develops, a conviction appears that one is useless and unloved, there is a tendency to inappropriate behavior — this is how the child tries to attract attention to himself, the risk of depression increases. And, of course, the child’s relationship with siblings suffers.

When a child grows up or leaves the parental home, the established relationship pattern cannot always be changed. It is noteworthy that in families where there were favorites, the likelihood of depression in adulthood increases not only in unloved, but also in beloved children.

“It was as if I was sandwiched between two“ stars ”- my older brother-athlete and younger sister-ballerina. It didn’t matter that I was a straight A student and won prizes in science competitions, obviously it wasn’t «glamorous» enough for my mother. She was very critical of my appearance. “Smile,” she constantly repeated, “it is especially important for nondescript girls to smile more often.” It was just cruel. And you know what? Cinderella was my idol,” says one woman.

Studies show that unequal treatment by parents affects children more severely if they are of the same sex.

Podium

Mothers who see their child as an extension of themselves and proof of their own worth prefer children who help them appear successful—especially in the eyes of outsiders.

The classic case is a mother trying through her child to realize her unfulfilled ambitions, especially creative ones. Famous actresses such as Judy Garland, Brooke Shields and many others can be cited as an example of such children. But «trophy children» are not necessarily associated with the world of show business; similar situations can be found in the most ordinary families.

Sometimes the mother herself does not realize that she treats children differently. But the «pedestal of honor for the winners» in the family is created quite openly and consciously, sometimes even turning into a ritual. Children in such families — regardless of whether they were «lucky» to become a «trophy child» — from an early age understand that the mother is not interested in their personality, only their achievements and the light in which they expose her are important to her.

When love and approval in the family has to be won, it not only fuels rivalry between children, but also raises the standard by which all family members are judged. Thoughts and experiences of «winners» and «losers» do not really excite anyone, but it is more difficult for a «trophy child» to realize this than for those who happened to become a «scapegoat».

“I definitely belonged to the category of“ trophy children ”until I realized that I could decide for myself what to do. Mom either loved me or was angry with me, but mostly she admired me for her own benefit — for the image, for «window dressing», in order to receive the love and care that she herself did not get in childhood.

When she stopped getting the hugs and kisses and love from me that she needed — I just grew up, and she never managed to grow up — and when I began to decide for myself how to live, I suddenly became the worst person in the world for her.

I had a choice: be independent and say what I think, or silently obey her, with all her unhealthy demands and inappropriate behavior. I chose the first, did not hesitate to openly criticize her and remained true to myself. And I’m much happier than I could be as a «trophy baby.»

family dynamics

Imagine that the mother is the Sun, and the children are the planets that revolve around her and try to get their share of warmth and attention. To do this, they constantly do something that will present her in a favorable light, and try to please her in everything.

“You know what they say: “if mom is unhappy, no one will be happy”? This is how our family lived. And I didn’t realize it wasn’t normal until I grew up. I was not the idol of the family, although I was not a «scapegoat» either. The «trophy» was my sister, I was the one who was ignored, and my brother was considered a loser.

We were assigned such roles and, for the most part, all our childhood we corresponded to them. My brother ran away, graduated from college while working, and now I’m the only family member he talks to. My sister lives two streets away from her mother, I don’t communicate with them. My brother and I are well settled, happy with life. Both have good families and keep in touch with each other.”

Although in many families the position of the «trophy child» is relatively stable, in others it can constantly shift. Here is the case of a woman in whose life a similar dynamic persisted throughout her childhood and continues even now, when her parents are no longer alive:

“The position of the “trophy child” in our family constantly shifted depending on which of us now behaved the way, in the opinion of the mother, the other two children should also behave. Everyone built up a grudge against each other, and many years later, in adulthood, this growing tension broke out when our mother became ill, needed care, and then died.

The conflict resurfaced when our father fell ill and died. And until now, any discussion of upcoming family meetings is not complete without a showdown.

Mom herself was one of four sisters — all close in age — and from an early age she learned to behave “correctly”. My brother was her only son, she had no brothers as a child. His barbs and sarcastic comments were treated condescendingly, because «he is not from evil.» Surrounded by two girls, he was a «trophy boy».

I think he understood that his rank in the family was higher than ours, although he believed that I was my mother’s favorite. Both brother and sister understand that our positions on the «pedestal of honor» are constantly changing. Because of this, we have always been tormented by doubts about whether we are living the right way.

In such families, everyone is constantly on the alert and always watches, as if he were not «passed around» in some way. For most people, this is hard and tiring.

Sometimes the dynamics of relations in such a family is not limited to the appointment of a child for the role of a «trophy», parents also begin to actively shame or belittle the self-esteem of his brother or sister. The rest of the children often join the bullying, trying to win the favor of their parents.

“In our family and in the circle of relatives in general, my sister was considered perfection itself, so when something went wrong and it was necessary to find the culprit, it always turned out to be me. Once my sister left the back door of the house open, our cat ran away, and they blamed me for everything. My sister herself actively participated in this, she constantly lied, slandering me. And continued to behave the same way when we grew up. In my opinion, for 40 years, my mother has never said a word across to her sister. And why, when there is me? Or rather, she was — until she broke off all relations with both of them.

A few more words about winners and losers

While studying stories from readers, I noticed how many women who were not loved in childhood and even made “scapegoats” said that now they are glad that they were not “trophies”. I am not a psychologist or a psychotherapist, but for more than 15 years I have been regularly communicating with women who were not loved by their mothers, and this seemed to me quite remarkable.

These women did not at all try to downplay their experiences or downplay the pain they experienced as an outcast in their own family — on the contrary, they emphasized this in every possible way — and admitted that in general they had a terrible childhood. But — and this is important — many noted that their brothers and sisters, who acted as «trophies», did not manage to get away from the unhealthy dynamics of family relationships, but they themselves managed to do it — simply because they had to.

There have been many stories of «trophy daughters» who have become copies of their mothers — the same narcissistic women who are prone to control through divide and conquer tactics. And there were stories about sons who were so praised and protected — they had to be perfect — that even after 45 years they continued to live in their parents’ house.

Some noted that this vicious relationship pattern was inherited by the next generation, and it continued to influence the grandchildren of those mothers who were accustomed to viewing children as trophies.

On the other hand, I heard many stories of daughters who were able to decide not to be silent, but to defend their interests. Some have broken off contact with their families, others keep in touch, but do not hesitate to point out directly to their parents about their inappropriate behavior.

Some decided to become “suns” themselves and give warmth to other “planetary systems”. They worked hard on themselves to fully understand and realize what happened to them in childhood, and built their own life — with their circle of friends and their family. This does not mean that they do not have spiritual wounds, but they all have one thing in common: for them it is more important not what a person does, but what he is.

I call it progress.